So Long So Long

"Drive past the lifeguard stand
Where I sit around waiting for you to remember"

Going to the beach and talking has been our thing since we were little kids. Today we went there to say bye before he left for his last year of college. Crazy to think I can remember us as 11 and 12 years old like it was yesterday. But this good bye was different than all the others, the reasons as to why I will keep to myself. Even though I know it's never goodbye with us, I still am nervous about how our friendship will turn out during the course of this year. The beach is our safe spot though, it's as if life stands still and nothing has changed between the two of us when we are there. I never told him this, but all last year when I couldn't stand one more minute of my own thoughts I'd sit on the sea wall on the beach and write a letter to him . I swore I'd never give them to him though, maybe one day I will. But when I need my good feeling and reassurance that I'm going to be alright, I sit at our spot and remember everything.

Why I Do This

So people ask constantly, why do you put so many personal things on the internet for everyone to see? Some days I have a justifiable answer and other days I want to delete this thing and stick to my journals where I can't be criticized.

But my answer is this... I was born to write. Since I was little I wrote in journals. I am the first to admit I am way too emotional for my own good. I have an opinion on everything and I could go on for days about how I feel. But I am also aware that some people are not comfortable with emotion so I try and keep it to myself as much as possible, hence my stacks upon stacks of journals. But I have a gift of passion and I express it through writing. I want to share my gift with the world. Whether I effect one person or millions, get published or just remain on this blog.

Although both of these amazing and beautiful women are no longer with me, they have so much to do with my writing and why I went public. If you knew my Aunt Ginny you would know she speaks her mind and does not care what anyone thinks. She may have been outspoken but she would do anything and everything for her family. She taught me at a young age to embrace what I feel and stick to my morals. Losing her was one of the hardest things I have ever endured, but her legacy of being honest especially with yourself, even when it may hurt, has lived on through not only me, but the entire family. And then there is my amazing and talented Aunt Christine. She was a journalist for the Hopkinton Times and my guru. She showed her dedication to writing everyday and I admired that. To have a writer in the family really pushed me to pursue the career. It was always my favorite topic to chat about at every family party. As prepared as we were for her passing, it didn't suppress the piece I would lose. Everyone in my family shares a different relationship with each individual. Our relationship had a lot to do with literature and the love for writing. So I continue to write as a form of appreciation.

Then there was my senior year of high school. Everything was changing, people were deciding where to go to school and what they wanted to pursue as a career. I was petrified of the thought of living away, but I did know what I wanted to get my degree in. I had an amazing journalism teacher that became more than that, she became a friend and confidant by the end. Julie Burke is her name and she is one of my biggest inspirations to my choice in journalism. Most of the time teachers don't open up to their students because it is considered 'unprofessional'. But the moment she opened up to my class, the environment was uplifting, you actually wanted to go to this class and do the homework. It is when people open up that we can develop an understanding and/or relationship.She helped me get into colleges I thought were out of my reach. She made numerous phone calls and helped me after school with not only my essays, but my financial aid and applications and personal problems. She really pushed the idea of me becoming a writer and told me to write everyday for at least an hour. She introduced me to some of the greatest writers of all time, such as Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison. The exposure to these pieces of writing opened my eyes to the possibilities.

And then there are the miscellaneous influences. Writers such as Elizabeth Wurtzel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Candace Bushnell, Joyce Carol Oates, Jodi Picoult. Movies such as Eat Pray Love, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Color Purple, Erin Brokovich, Sex and The City 1, and Working Girl. And just driven women in general like Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Conrad, Jillian Michaels and Chelsea Handler

Quotes and music lyrics about life, love, and adventure are my weakness. I really could go on forever on the things that inspire me.

But ultimately it is the things I experience personally that are the biggest impact. Since I can remember I have wanted to write a memoir. Most people have a pre determined opinion of me, but they don't know anything about me. I want to show you that I have a story, just like you do. Everyone has the right to be heard, and I for one want to be. With putting myself out there, I make the possibilities of criticism greater and I understand that. Some people are going to love this and some people are going to love to hate it, that is just the way life goes. But just because some people have a negative opinion on my writing doesn't mean Im going to change it. I give any and every writer out there credit for putting themselves in front of a target, to open up to people whether they are worthy of your words or not. I do all this because it is what I love. I want to write about falling in and out of love, I want to write about significant experiences all in hopes that you can relate. I live and breathe writing. Positive or negative opinions on what I write, you still sat there and read it. So in the end I achieved what I wanted, to be heard and have an impact on your life. I have my own style of writing and I enjoy it fully. But I have learned to never say something that you are not fully prepared to be thrown back in your face when someone gets mad at you. So now you all know why I do this. The power I find reading my own words is irreplaceable.

"It has never been easy for me to understand why people work so hard to create something beautiful, but then refuse to share it with anyone, for fear of criticism. Wasn’t that the point of the creation – to communicate something to the world? So put it out there. "

For any aspiring writer, check this out.

Indifferent

"He is no longer a part of my life, but I wish him well in his."

As I grow up I try and take lessons from every experience I encounter. I feel as though every person that comes in my life, minuscule or prodigious is there to teach me something. For most of these cases I have recognized their arcane messages, but do I ever really take them for what they are worth?

What I need to realize is I can't fix everything. I have this problem where I don't want people who were once so involved in my life to leave. So to keep them happy and around I sacrifice my feelings. I push aside every bit of sadness and hurt they cause me just so I don't have to deal with change. But change is a constant and I cannot stop it. When someone hurts us, we want them to care. We want them to see the anguish they have caused and regret it. Chances are though that they never cared about you or your feelings. They made conscious decision that would effect you negatively. You cannot not change it, you cannot take back his actions, and you cannot excuse them. You just accept that it happened and that he isn't the person you fell for. You may have seen the best in him, but maybe that isn't who he wants to be and ultimately that is his choice.

So lets set up a scenario here: What if you didn't set aside your feelings and confronted him on his actions... would he stick around? --No.

This is a lesson that really needs to be taken. When someone realizes that they can treat you horribly and still have you around, they aren't going to change their ways. It's human, they realize that you accommodate their wants and needs regardless of how they treat you. I need to understand it and walk away. Don't be bitter, be indifferent.

The lesson I got from him was that actions speak louder than words. He kept me around for so long because he said what I wanted to hear, not what he felt. People have to keep proving themselves more before I let them get close. Otherwise this feeling of emptiness and discourage is going to become all too familiar.

Better Off

My feet have broke free and I am leaving
I'm not gonna stand here, feeling lonely
But I don't regret it and I don't think
It was just a waste of time.

It took him to do the unthinkable for me to realize who he was. In the end I never really mattered to him after two years of this love hate relationship. I'm done saving him every time he 'needs' me.. He took my heart, all of it and when he gave it back it fell apart.

Better Single Than Sorry

For all those who have a relationship that has lived up to their expectations and dreams, I envy you. But for those who are in a relationship and aren't 100% happy and positive that is what you want, I pity you.

For so long I was petrified at the thought of being without my boyfriend. I went from one boy to another to another to another to another and yes then to another. I needed to feel something, anything to get my mind off of my loneliness. I gave rebound a new meaning. But after much struggle and confusion I have found that I could not be happier as a single girl. I am twenty years old. The last thing I need is calling someone to check in, make sure that the people Im with are approved of by my boyfriend, and having "cuddle" time. I used to love all that, and sometimes I miss that but at the end of the day I would much rather be single. I need travel, adventure, partying excessively, and selfishness.

Girls.. being single doesn't mean that no man wants us. It means we know what we want and we won't settle for just anything. We love to have fun and are concentrating on our needs, as we should. This was my first summer with no strings at all and I can honestly say it was my best summer ever. I got to do what I wanted when I wanted with who ever I wanted and never had to worry about 'someone else'. At such a young age I think that single is the best route. It brings a new confidence to so many people. I have changed dramatically in just one year.

"He/She-tox"

I had to get rid of all evidence that he even existed. I grabbed every picture we took, every letter he wrote, threw his t-shirts and hockey jacket in a bag--drove to his house and left it on his front steps. And that was it..for the most part. Here and there we made some communication, but never to the point where I saw him face to face. That relationship changed me though forever. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started out. I always said how funny it was that we ended up together, and that's only because we should of never even met. Worlds worst relationship goes to him and I. If I saw him now I wouldn't even recognize him and I am extremely thankful for that. I don't want to know the person he was become. For a while I tried to make amends, but he would just tear my life apart and degrade me. One day I woke up and realized I needed to completely forget about him. To me... he died. I read a very helpful book about break ups. One tactic they recommended was called " He-tox"... I giggled at the name, but envied it's reality. I had to go through ex boyfriend detox. He didn't make me better, he caused so much anguish and depression. I look back on it now and realize where he is and where I am. I grew up like he said I needed to, I took responsibility and became independent. I thank god for the day he cheated on me and I got to walk in on it. It made me so much stronger in that part of my life. Of course it hurt like hell at first, but I saw what was really going on. I needed to rid of myself completely before I could realize the joke he has become.

I Will Always Think Of Him Fondly, As An Asshole

Why do so many talented and beautiful woman constantly settle? They have everything that a man could want, but yet they still let the assholes have their attention. Is it because we think less of ourselves? Or maybe it's because of the chase, the thrill of catching someone so unattainable. I can understand the chase part.. most women who have integrity are attracted to a challenge. But when do we draw a line between a 'challenge' and just being used.

Do we not realize how amazing we truly are? Being a woman let alone is one of the hardest things. We go through so much more, and majority of the time feel stronger about things. Men know their worth and it is time that women do too.

Excuses can only be thrown around for so long until we realize it just isn't worth our time. Men can only degrade us if we let them. An independent, strong willed, intelligent woman should never even give that man a second look when he asks for that 'second chance'. He was bullshitting you the entire time, but you as a glass half full girl didn't want to realize that. But at such a difficult age where life and relationships do not go hand in hand you need to be more cautious. Remember that little thing you used to tell yourself if any man approached you... ' Don't even look at him, he is probably like every other guy'-- I'd start listening to that again.

Love is Blind

When you hear "blinded by love", you think that someone can't see what is really happening in their relationship because their love for the other has casted over everything else. At 3 am when they were fighting in his kitchen she realized he was blinded by love too, but in a completely different way. He couldn't see that the reason they were fighting was because of love. He had someone staring him in the eyes saying she loves him. He wouldn't see a good thing even if it hit him between the eyes. He is blinded by the fact that she could be everything to him, if he gave it a chance. Everyone wants someone to be their other half, to be their good feeling, to means the world to someone else. She wanted that relationship you hear about in movies and books and her love for him blinded the reality. The reality that she would never get that with him. He in the end did not care what happened with them. He could be fine with or without her. But when she asked him what was going on and he jokingly said " we are like boyfriend and girlfriend aren't we?" and laughed after, the clouds started to clear...everything started to show its real colors. There was no more shades of grey, that little girl hope she had was gone. He made a mockery of her and the time she had spent with him. He walked away with nothing, but she walked away with a lesson learned. When other people who are outside the relationship advised her that perhaps he doesn't deserve to be taken back for the twentieth time; she should have listened. And when people told him that he needs to give this a shot and realize what he has, he should have listened. Maybe the outcome would have been different. Maybe she could have realized sooner than later what was actually going on. He wasn't breaking her heart anymore, she was doing it all on her own. No one can change anyone, people need to do it all on their own. Love was still important to her, but she wasn't going to be careless with her heart anymore. And him?... well he will probably always be blinded to love.

"One shouldn't be too hard on oneself when the object of one's affection returns the favor with rather less enthusiasm than one might have hoped."

Had a horrible day, not much to say. This quote pretty much sums it up.

When my world is falling apart

This past year has been the hardest year of my life. I lost myself, I lost my dad for a while, I didn't go to the one school I worked so hard to get in, I got caught up in so many problems, friends I thought I would have a lifetime were gone. But there was one thing that always kept me going.. the two girls I nanny. They have become one of the biggest parts of my life. I see them more than I see anyone else. I have watched them grow into beautiful young girls. When I was having a bad day, just knowing that I got to see the girls made me smile. They could always sense when I was having a bad day and would do anything to make me happy. They look up to me. I see them as my little sisters. Caroline has become a little version of me and I absolutely love it. She truly thinks I'm one of the greatest people in the world and that makes my world. Camryn will always be my little sunshine. I don't think anyone has told me they love me as much as her. They are the reason I will one day be the most amazing mother. I learned so much about myself and life, all through them. One thing I promised myself this year is that I would make a difference in someone's life. I made a difference in two. I am so proud of both of these girls and what they have learned and conquered. When my world was looking like it would turn for the worst, they both made it okay.

Don't repeat chapters, the story will never change.

Going back is repeating a chapter. Why would you do that to yourself? You know nothing will change the situation so why bother? You know every line, you know how it begins and how it will end. Trust me it will end again. Its a never ending circle that eventually you are only bringing on yourself. You know he is just going to destroy everything you just built up. It's your life so show yourself some respect and walk away from it. It's over, it's done. Nothing will change that ending and you're only torturing yourself by repeating it. You have one life. You get to choose what you do with it and who gets to be a part of it. You plan on making a difference and the past will only bring you ten steps back. That chapter ended for a reason... accept it and make the best out of your life, don't let them take your future away too.

I think I deserve something beautiful

I wrote this title a month ago in hopes that I would know what to say after it..but I didn't. Now after a month later I do.

He read her letter aloud as she laid next to him. It wasn't easy to hear her vulnerable words said out loud, let alone the boy they were directed to was saying them. But as the words were coming out of his mouth she felt something words can't explain. She has always known how different he was. For so long she just wanted to understand what was going on between them. Now she realizes that right now isn't their time, they are both too young and trying to get everything out of life. But it was what he said after he read the letter that made her realize. She gave her heart to him a long time ago and she's never getting it back.. " I wish we were older sometimes because this would work".

I think I deserve something beautiful. He is a little out of key and an individual and thats what I love about him. If I had a choice, I'd pick him every time because to me he is something beautiful.

Spinning

"He doesn't deserve you, he never deserved you"

"It's in the past just let it go"

"Can't you just move on already?"

"Look at everything he has put you through"

"He's so selfish"

"How could you ever let him in again?"

" If he cared he would have never back stabbed you"

"His name is never allowed to be said in this house"

"He's an asshole"

"You guys will end up together one day"

"It was an immature relationship"

"For someone who says they love you, he never shows it"

"He doesn't care about your feelings, he never will"

"He never deserved those 5 years of your life"

"You'll always be different to him"

"It's over, who cares anymore"

"He doesn't care what he puts you through on a daily basis"

"You're wasting your time"

"Danielle, you can never say we are over"

....spinning out of control.

Fall In Love with Fall

As summer is slowly ending and fall is quickly approaching I couldn't help but reflect on these past few months and smile at the future. Things finally got to me after months of bottling it up. I woke up in a panic and decided the only place I wanted to be was Nantucket, so I fled. I needed the ocean air, my best friend and some quality window shopping. Running to Nantucket for a few days was the best decision. I realized so many things when I was there. It was finally time to see what everyone was telling me

He doesn't care, end of story.

I have so much hope for the fall. If you set yourself up for success that is what you will get. I have realized I need to work on only what I can control. I have my resume all finished, I am half way done with editing my book, I have my entire room and {new} closet de-cluttered and organized. I have 2 jobs that will support my education and bills.

I cannot wait for the fall, it really is my favorite season of the year. The smell, the food, the activities, the sports, {MY 21st BIRTHDAY!!!}.. nothing can ruin this year.

{My fall picks}

{Fashion}-- 'Boyfriend' button ups, skinny dark jeans & flats by RedFoot.

{School}-- Half.com for all my books and Target for all supplies.

{Vacations}-- Dallas in October and Nantucket for daffofil festival, (my favorite flower)

Left To Save

Was there anything really left to save? Or did that feeling of 'this is everything you have wanted and needed' prove that it was worth the fight. That was what she needed to fathom. But first she needed to talk to him about it. Was there even the slightest chance? How were they on such different pages? All she wanted to do was fight for him. Everything in her told her he is something you fight for, but she had no choice other than to push it aside. He contributed little to nothing when it came to communication, and for any type of relationship, that was everything. As you can tell he controlled every ounce of this relationship. She was there to just be his basic puppet. Just the same, how did he have so much control? He didn't have to do much to get it because she handed it to him. She would do anything just to keep him around because in her heart she knew she was in love.

It was time though to take a step back, put her feelings aside and look at the situation. Was there anything there to save? Or was this all farcical. Did he want something out of this eventually.. or was she just there to comfort for the past few years. Would her dream of being with him come true?....

Team LC

Since day one of Laguna Beach and onto The Hills I have been on "Team LC" I think that everything she has done and how she has grown is incredible. She created a great role model for all ages... Strolling through Khols I noticed Lauren's brand had this little rack. I immediately grabbed the sequenced vest and army green romper. I love this outfit, everything about it is so comfortable and cute. You can dress it up and down.

But Don't Forget to Remember Me..

She put so much time and effort into so many things that now no longer exist in her life. For some people that wouldn't really bother them.. but it really bothered her. She was different than others. She was constantly thinking about EVERYTHING. I guess all she really wanted was to be remembered. She wanted to know that although those things or people aren't a part of her life now, she still made an impact or a difference. She hoped she showed that one boy what it felt like to be truly loved, she hoped that those little girls knew to always keep their heads up and stay true to themselves, and she hoped that her first love always kept her on that pedestal like he promised. But now it was time to make a difference in her own life. It was time for her to show herself what it felt like to be loved, to learn how to always keep her own head up, and know that although he will always be different in her mind and he will always be on that pedestal, it was time to let go.

Just don't forget to remember me.

When I Look At You, I See Something I Know And Love

Family has become everything to me. My vacation to Canada could not have come at a more perfect time. I was starting to lose sight of what I was doing with my life. Money had become a huge issue for me and I'm struggling just to pay for college let alone trying to live life as a 20 year old. I got in a car at 2:00 am and set out for Nova Scotia with my cousin. When I got there I felt an instant change. I could breathe, I could take a deeper look around at things. I found a new appreciation for my family and myself. I knew I had a lot to work on and I truly think that Mabou Cape Breton brought me to a better place in my life. I had so much alone time where I could just relax. I had time to read and write and draw. I got to develop a stronger relationship with a part of my family that has always been there for me. It was a vacation where no cell phone or computer could be used and I think thats what I liked most about it. People there are so much more accepting and have great hospitality. I spent my time dancing in the kitchen, playing with my beautiful baby cousin, finding Nova Scotia's hidden treasures and playing wiffle ball. I would never trade in that trip.. it really just changed me as a person. It made me realize I need to concentrate more on myself. I have so much love and emotion for so many things, except myself. I can only change what I have control over and that is what I need to focus on. If I had my parents sister and dog up there I probably would have never left. Mabou you have a piece of my heart

Right Page: Wrong Turn

As she was moving onto the first chapter of the next book, she found herself running into the same problems. The guy that should be a distant thought was still a constant. This is where she starts to get confused because in everyone's eyes except her own, they were nothing besides a hookup...that conveniently lasted for almost two years. The minute her life seemed to be taking a turn for the worst she missed him. She missed the comfort he brought into her life. How is she supposed to keep moving forward if her heart and mind both keep bringing her back to the past? He isn't good for her and she knows this, but still she wants him back. The plan for this chapter in her life was set... focus solely on yourself. It was time she started to please herself before others. But another wrong turn appeared in the road. She should of seen the sign from miles away but she decided that maybe she'd give him a chance, see if maybe with her he was different. He played the game very well.. sweet talking and always willing to show her a good time. But they were all empty. The first time should have been the last time but she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He was merely nothing but it still upset her that he'd take the time to make plans and then simply never follow through with them. Minuscule bump but it still baffled her.

To remain on the right page and right path she had to realize that guys aren't the best thing for her at all right now. She hasn't let the last guy go and is really trying to make a life for herself. It may take some time, but you know she'll figure it out.. she always does.

Girl Don't You Lose Your Heart Yet.

When an old love dies we try so hard to find a new one, also known as a rebound. To get over a relationship that once, was our entire world we search for something or someone to fill the void. It isn't anyone's fault, there is no blame.. its just human. Here's the thing that you are blind to until you step back. Your entire life revolved around them right? So now you don't know anything without them right?---

Well WRONG. You are someone without them. You actually are this amazing independent strong willed person without them. You just didn't know it until you were left standing alone on a one way street. When a relationship ends you need to step back. Yes you are hurt and yes you are alone. But being alone isn't a bad thing. I know I know, but you're petrified of even the thought.. I was too. I was so afraid of being alone. I spent every minute thinking of that one person, always in constant contact. Every weekend was dedicated to a 3 hour bus ride to and from his college. My ENTIRE life was one person. I never knew who I was until I broke free from that relationship. I jumped into relationship after relationship just to feel something, but I felt nothing. I didn't know until a year later that the only relationship I needed was the one with myself. Before you can give your heart to someone else you need to give it to yourself. You need to find out who you are so that person you fall in love with falls in love with the 'real' you. Not the mangled heart emotional train wreck barely has it together you. It may be hard but you need to stop all contact with that old relationship for minimum 3 months. You need to know who you are without them. I finally figured out who I am without him and I love me. I used to be this psychotic paranoid person because all I ever heard were lies and I was deceived majority of that time. Now I know who I can trust, what to look for in a guy and I know I deserve the world. But I see the end of that relationship as the best thing that ever happened to me. I know it sounds crazy to you right now because your heart is so bitter and you can't even get the motivation to get out of bed. But I promise there will come a day when you wake up and every question you had after the break up will be answered and you finally will achieve every dream you ever made for yourself. Just keep your head up gorgeous!

You Sure Left Your Mark

"It wasn't long enough together but it was long enough to last forever"

As you begin to analyze the story you realize along with strength she gained standards. It wasn't the five year relationship or the one that snuck in between that one..it was the last relationship she would have, the one that only lasted a few months. She found a man that had respect for not only himself but also for her. He proved that he was willing to stick by her and anything she was going through. It was no doubt they started at a difficult time, but maybe it wasn't the wrong time. You as the reader know that in her life everything happened for a reason because all the mess brought her to closure. Everyone in her life though knew he was different and told her how idiotic it was to break up with him. She was scared though and wasn't used to the ' I know you're having a bad day so I sent you your favorite flowers' or 'I'd rather spend every moment I have with you than anyone else', so she ran. She was never treated right, until him. He set a standard for her that would last a lifetime. He made her realize that a man can love her the way she always wanted. Letting someone know how you are upfront does make the worlds difference and he taught her that too. He told her that she had the capability to light up someone's world... and one day she will again. In time he made her realize everything she was capable of in every aspect.

So in the end she realized she could let men in, she just had to know the good from the bad... and it was the 'one who got away' that would teach her all of this. She'd be forever grateful because now she could move onto the second book.