Im Busy Getting Stronger

Believe it or not I felt for you stronger than the one of seven years... but that was almost a year ago and now Im busy... Im busy getting stronger, Im busy making my dreams come true, Im busy deciding what I want out of this life, Im busy writing, creating new friendships, and finding adventure, Im too busy falling in love with the man that deserved it in the first place. When I saw your number come up on my phone I was hesitant to answer because I was afraid of what the sound of your voice could do to the life I created without you. I had wanted you a part of my life and my dreams for so long, even after you made it clear my ambition and goals were a simple joke in your mind. You pretended it was just a simple hello, a "I had a dream about you so I figured I would call and see what you're doing". I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him that he has ruined me enough and to just leave me alone. { but in the end you only ruined yourself } In an instant I was ready for a nervous break down, all because of a boy. What does he want me to say? He moved on from the convoluted relationship we built for two years. "come over" he says. "Im sorry but I cannot do that" I said "But I want to show you my new place, I want to show you everything I've done" he pleads.

Where was he when I wanted to show him everything that I had done, where was he when I was breaking down and feeling the stinging pain of losing a one way street love. I was sitting night after night missing him, wondering what he's doing if he was thinking of me, wondering too if we could have worked it out. But that was before I met the man of my dreams.

"Im busy I have to go" I say. But what he doesn't know nor does he deserve to know is Im getting by perfectly without him. All my dreams were not giggles at anyone expense. I am better off without him and he's the one now calling at his weak moments; not me. I am building up my career, moving to an amazing place and making myself a little more stronger, Im not crying over lost loves or friendships, going to an amazing college where I need to be. I know who I am, all he knows is drinking and breaking any girls heart that comes in contact with him. Im busy, you're an absolute last thought in my days. I don't cry about you anymore, I don't wish or hope we could have worked it out as friends or a relationship. Im a better person because you are no longer in my life.



He will never change and my heart will never be the same because of him, but now I know thats not a bad thing. Ill be okay because on my weakest day I have my other half, my best friend, my future husband who smiles at my dreams, at my progress, he doesn't drag my heart around like you did.

Im busy getting stronger.

Falling Apart

Maybe the impossible was just that... impossible. Since she was a little girl she had dreamt of the perfect relationship. Once her innocence had come to terms with reality she finally understood, that glass slipper didn't exist, sorry little one. After all of the struggles and let downs she had faith in just one thing, buried deep down with the rest of her feelings that one day she would find the perfect love, the one who made all those other what she likes to call now, assholes, away.

" If  I am going to endure the same struggles I do now than whats the point? Why bother loving again if I feel like I am back tracking."

"Because it isn't always going to be the way you pictured it, you said he was different from all the rest and he is. Sometimes that difference is the reason why you fell in love and sometimes its going to drive you crazy and you just won't understand what is going through his head or why he just did what he did. But when it comes down to it, he proved he is different from the rest. He did what you have always wanted, make you say good bye to all of your past didn't he?"

" Yes but I have never felt like I was good enough for him, since the beginning...because of the beginning. How could we ever come back from this?"

" That's not in your hands anymore."

So the old saying.. 'take the good with the bad'... exactly how much do we practice this preach? Where do we draw the line to keep our own sanity and dignity? Exactly how far do we let ourselves go and not become overwhelmed with the possibility that maybe this perfection we thought we had was just a falicy. How do we keep ourselved together, hold onto the confidence and security we have left if there is a person present who may destroy it all.

I've Never Heard Silence Quite This Loud

Just when the book was closed, when all the despair and anguish had finally been laid to rest I hear the one thing I have waited for years to hear...

"Danielle, I'm sorry for leaving you and moving and not listening to you the summer we broke up. Im sorry for all the times you've needed me and I wasn't there because of my selfishness. Im sorry for not always being the best friend i should've been. Whether we were broken up or not I shouldn't have just left you alone"

They are right you know when they say history repeats itself. It's like clock work, when theres silence with no justification he puts in effort. But this apology is so much different than the others, it has significance. He never once has apologized for moving and leaving me all alone to deal with the devastation. I lost my old life that day he called me and said he has moved 200 miles away and he isn't going to come back. When I say I fought for him all day and night, cried and begged for him to come home and work on us there is no exaggeration. Every inch of my body was limb because of depression. I got up every morning only to convince him to come back. Clearly nothing worked and after a while I just didn't have the motivation, or tears, or energy to fight so I gave up. His sorry is a year too late. There is a small and I exaggerate on the small part of me that wishes I could accept his apology but him and I can never get it right when it comes to friends or loves, its too blurry and we cross lines that in the end we hurt each other and the outside world.

As I read this I told myself to remember this moment and remember the feeling and leave it at that. I've moved onto a much better and hopeful future now. Even with this bright future though I know that when the summer comes along, fleeing to a island is the best decision for me. The silence between us from here on out will be difficult but necessary.... But I did finally hear that "sorry" that actually had meaning, that for me is more than enough. The silence brought him realization for what he lost and I think I finally found my closure... something I have been searching for for so long. I am no longer waiting for anything from him, that was it... an apology. Ironic?