Monday, December 20, 2010

I've Never Heard Silence Quite This Loud

Just when the book was closed, when all the despair and anguish had finally been laid to rest I hear the one thing I have waited for years to hear...

"Danielle, I'm sorry for leaving you and moving and not listening to you the summer we broke up. Im sorry for all the times you've needed me and I wasn't there because of my selfishness. Im sorry for not always being the best friend i should've been. Whether we were broken up or not I shouldn't have just left you alone"

They are right you know when they say history repeats itself. It's like clock work, when theres silence with no justification he puts in effort. But this apology is so much different than the others, it has significance. He never once has apologized for moving and leaving me all alone to deal with the devastation. I lost my old life that day he called me and said he has moved 200 miles away and he isn't going to come back. When I say I fought for him all day and night, cried and begged for him to come home and work on us there is no exaggeration. Every inch of my body was limb because of depression. I got up every morning only to convince him to come back. Clearly nothing worked and after a while I just didn't have the motivation, or tears, or energy to fight so I gave up. His sorry is a year too late. There is a small and I exaggerate on the small part of me that wishes I could accept his apology but him and I can never get it right when it comes to friends or loves, its too blurry and we cross lines that in the end we hurt each other and the outside world.

As I read this I told myself to remember this moment and remember the feeling and leave it at that. I've moved onto a much better and hopeful future now. Even with this bright future though I know that when the summer comes along, fleeing to a island is the best decision for me. The silence between us from here on out will be difficult but necessary.... But I did finally hear that "sorry" that actually had meaning, that for me is more than enough. The silence brought him realization for what he lost and I think I finally found my closure... something I have been searching for for so long. I am no longer waiting for anything from him, that was it... an apology. Ironic?

No comments: