You Gave Me Roses and I Left Them There To Die

Several months back I received a dozen coral roses from an anonymous man. The note read " you thought I'd forget gorgeous". My first thought was 'does this date have a significance?' but I knew it didn't. I asked a few different people if they had sent them to me and I kept getting "nope not me" until the last one, I was nervous and intimidated to ask but I also knew he could have been a possibility. He confirmed they were from him, asked if I liked them and told me what the note meant. In the few times spent together we had walked by a flower stand and I had mentioned that coral roses were my favorite and thats what the note meant, that he listened and remembered. I never told anyone they were from him because honestly no one would have believed me, they would have laughed and mocked me. I didn't want anyone to know he sent me those roses because in the end he wasn't who I wanted.. I wanted the guy I was chasing all summer long, fame or no fame the boy who sent the flowers wasn't the one. I left the flowers in my room to die and continued to try and win over the summer crush. If he knew that there had been another person in the picture he wouldn't have stuck around and for so long thats what I worked towards. I wasn't about to lose him to anyone, no matter their social status. So I kept the sender a secret and left that little bit of my life in the rearview. But his compliments and his genuine liking towards me come back every so often....

What do you want

A private call comes in and I think nothing of it. I pick up and I hear the one voice I didn't want to hear. My body goes into complete shock and all those insecurities and memories come flooding in. Why did he have to call? There is nothing left to say and he's only taking me back to a place where I fought so hard to get out of. It's not fair, why does he continue to do this? I didn't have anything to say, the only thing I could think to do was hang up. I meant what I said when I said I moved on. He chose this, he wanted this now you can live with this.

Permanent... Or So You Thought

So foolish me at age 19 thought that I was going to stay with him forever, forever enough to get a tattoo for him. I wasn't so idiotic that I got his name, but I got a quote with the heart shape of the ring he got me the day he promised forever. Its been two years since we broke up and well I have officially got rid of all his clothes ( I wont say what I did with them, but it was clever and amusing to say the least) and anything that could potentially bring up any thought of him... except this god damn tattoo. I have been searching for the perfect thing to get this "nasty" thing covered up. One artist I have been fascinated with for years and years now is Banksy. He is a British artist that would graffiti only at night, no one knew who this man was. He would sketch political commentary that would leave anyone and everyone speechless. He didn't do this for the fame or for money, he was just a simple man who had a talent of art and an outspoken opinion on the world. When I really sat and thought about what I wanted to have become permanent on my wrist I knew it had to be perfect and from this man because that was it after that. I will get something for me and no one else this time. I cannot decide yet so I decided to post the ones I have considered. Let me know what you think.


PS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a tattoo for anyone else except yourself, it makes me sick every time I look down at my wrist. All these thoughts of pain, confusion, loss of faith are all trapped in my mind and once this disappears I will finally get out. 

Reflecting on 2010

The more and more I look back on this past year I realize all the changes and things I had done. I finally figured out where I truly belong one day {Dallas, Texas}. Single finally didn't seem like the end of the world but the start of actually living. I made new and amazing friends that I know I will have for a lifetime. I finally found my style of clothing, I branched out and realized that there were more stores than just Express and Abercrombie. I found new lovers and let go of others. I made my words come alive and started a blog, or two or actually five at one point...but now Always Choose Paris has all of my heart and words. I redecorated my bedroom finally. I got rid of the trashy leopard and hot pink look {so tacky!} and transformed it into a parisian get away. My taste in music has become much more broad. I made lasting family memories in Canada. I went to Nantucket and fell in love with the island, hopefully I will be living there for the summer. I turned 21 and realized more than ever who truly cares about me and those who don't. Theres more to life than just Weymouth Massachusetts. Don't waste energy or your breath of those who have hurt you too many times. I finally became the person I know I was meant to be and did the things that made me happy. If I wanted something, I was more than capable of getting it. My independence is everything to me, I do not need a man or any sort of person to be in control of all my happiness. I played model for a little while to help me break out of my shell. Many lessons have been learned, relationships were lost and gained, dreams had come true, and I finally found the one love I have been searching for, the love for myself. I finally am growing up and realized I am so much better than all of those people who have tried to put me down one way or another. And I found the person I hope one day will ask me to spend the rest of my life with him

playing model

New Friends

spend the rest of my life with

impossible, becoming possible

Dallas stole my heart

the ones who will never leave me

the island of dreams

I've Never Heard Silence Quite This Loud

Just when the book was closed, when all the despair and anguish had finally been laid to rest I hear the one thing I have waited for years to hear...

"Danielle, I'm sorry for leaving you and moving and not listening to you the summer we broke up. Im sorry for all the times you've needed me and I wasn't there because of my selfishness. Im sorry for not always being the best friend i should've been. Whether we were broken up or not I shouldn't have just left you alone"

They are right you know when they say history repeats itself. It's like clock work, when theres silence with no justification he puts in effort. But this apology is so much different than the others, it has significance. He never once has apologized for moving and leaving me all alone to deal with the devastation. I lost my old life that day he called me and said he has moved 200 miles away and he isn't going to come back. When I say I fought for him all day and night, cried and begged for him to come home and work on us there is no exaggeration. Every inch of my body was limb because of depression. I got up every morning only to convince him to come back. Clearly nothing worked and after a while I just didn't have the motivation, or tears, or energy to fight so I gave up. His sorry is a year too late. There is a small and I exaggerate on the small part of me that wishes I could accept his apology but him and I can never get it right when it comes to friends or loves, its too blurry and we cross lines that in the end we hurt each other and the outside world.

As I read this I told myself to remember this moment and remember the feeling and leave it at that. I've moved onto a much better and hopeful future now. Even with this bright future though I know that when the summer comes along, fleeing to a island is the best decision for me. The silence between us from here on out will be difficult but necessary.... But I did finally hear that "sorry" that actually had meaning, that for me is more than enough. The silence brought him realization for what he lost and I think I finally found my closure... something I have been searching for for so long. I am no longer waiting for anything from him, that was it... an apology. Ironic?