Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The 'Word'

When I was little I believed that princes were real and one day I would meet mine. When I got into high school I gave that piece of fairytale innocence and my love away. I wish someone would have warned me what I was doing the minute I dropped "I love you" and actually meant it. There should really be this contract that you need to read, not just scan through it...no actually read the entire thing cover to cover and recite the fine print just to make sure you fully understand, and when you do then you can sign and date it and THEN say those powerful words. But I was 14 when I realized I felt those feelings and 15 when I said them. I lucked out though because some people don't get the chance to be each others first loves, but I was his too. Had I known what I was getting myself into I probably would have waited a little bit longer to say them. Without a doubt what I felt was real and I didn't just throw it out there. I took precaution and chose the person wisely. But I was 15 so I thought those words were basic magic that kept people together forever. I wasn't ready to have him take them back... well not exactly take the words and feelings back because I know he still loves me, he tells me all the time... but to lose the person that went along with the word I suppose. That was the part I wasn't ready for and Im 21 now and I'm still not ready for the heart ache. He was my best friend and the only thing I knew for so long, so losing him was a form of torture. It ultimately was because those words scared him and love turned into jealousy and petty fights which has made it almost impossible to fix.

When you give your love away you are changed forever. You are never quite the same you were when you didn't allow those feelings. You put yourself out there, you let a giant wall down hoping to god it doesn't fall straight on you. Your first love never really leaves you... they linger and from time to time you miss them. Let them linger and let yourself miss them, its all part of a process. Eventually it wont be as constant and you'll find a new love that takes you to a whole different place. People dwell on their first loves because we think they are so much different and can never be replaced. Well in a way that is true they are different because they came into your life, allowed you to let down a wall and feel something that makes the world go round, something you had never felt before. Reality is that no one can be replaced, but that doesn't make them this monumental person. I mean my dog cant be replaced by another dog because no two things are the same. (no pun intended to compare a male to a dog) What I am trying to say is that once you give it away you can never go back. Indian giving does not apply to love, you cannot ask for it back. You accept that you gave a little piece of yourself to another individual and it is up to them what they do with it. And don't worry if you give it away and you two don't last forever, theres still so much more you have of yourself to keep and to give.

For a while I was a cynic to love. I had my heart broken, beat up, tossed around; what have you. I only did that because I was in my vulnerable stage, I wasn't as cautious anymore as to whom exactly I was giving it to. Some deserved my love, some did not and the same goes vice versa... I deserved some peoples love and for others I should have been the last person they gave their heart to. But you take it all with compassion and realize one day when you least expect it you'll find that person that deserves your love with every intention of giving it to you in return, and you my friend will never be the same...again.

When I found out that my boyfriend had never had a first love, or told any girl he loved her I was in shock. He has had previous relationships that have lasted quite some time so I figure he knew what I was talking about when I would talk about first loves. Well come to find out he has kept his love and doesn't just throw it around. (that didn't surprise me though because he is very guarded when it comes to girls) I told him he picked the complete opposite to be in a relationship with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, believe in fairytale beginnings and endings, cry at love songs,movies, and stories. I constantly am writing about all kinds of love and he's never had that feeling before?! Ironic to say the least. But there was one thing I swore up and down did not exist, it was utterly impossible-- love at first sight. How could it be possible to not know someone and already have such enormous feelings for them? Well July 17th 2010 that belief of impossible ceased completely. I met my boyfriend and knew the minute I saw him and sat down next to him that he was the one. If I could explain it you know I would but I couldn't then and I can't now. All I know is I didn't know him or his story previously to meeting him. I fell for him entirely on my own with no one else's input. But to know he has found the girl he wants to give his love to for the first time, and that girls me, well I feel pretty special. I guess I finally get to know what forever feels like... so here's my signature 'love', please take care of the two of us. When you know, you just know.

x Danielle Meuse

Saturday, November 27, 2010

The Presents Just a Pleasant Interruption to the Past

I guess it was one thing to write that last letter and then to actually see him. The whole idea that everything was horrible and I HAD to say good bye was becoming a puerile idea. I know him like the back of my hand, I know when he's up and I know when he's down. It was more than obvious that where he was in life was not where he belonged. From day one he has always had two people that have been his number 1 fans, his mother and myself. I have the greatest hopes and expectations for him that I know myself he can accomplish. I keep an eye on him from a distance now, making sure that it doesn't spin too out of control. There are just some people in this world we cannot allow to hit rock bottom and I guess he is that person for me. Little did I know that I'm that person for him too. He keeps his distance because he sees how far I've come without him but he's prepared to catch me if I ever fall. It was so bizarre to know we always just pick up where we left off before it was broken. It was as if the break up just didn't occur and neither did the intense relationship. I imagine it as if we are still sitting by the pond in that town and we are talking about what we want to do with our lives. How we want so much out of life, move to california or new york and make something out of ourselves. Last night...all I can call it was an outer body experience. The entire time we were talking I was picturing us at that pond and then in that meadow we found by the side of the road. Maybe thats where we belonged now... in this pipe dream of the past's most significant moments, where it was only happiness and ambition, a place where dying in his arms seemed a little too comforting. 

"and if this is what it takes i'll lie in my mistakes and live with what I did to you and all the hell I put you through" 

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Letter Number Three

This letter is for my first love and my first everything, you are the biggest part of my life... so far.

I met you when I was a very little girl. I think it was love at first sight for me but I was honestly way too young to even comprehend such a monumental concept. You are the person that every girl wants and fears at the same time. I wanted that special first love and I wanted it to be shared. I got what I wanted, we were each others first loves and for a very long time each others only loves. I feared you because there was a possibility I could lose you. We were each others first everything and that alone held a bond for us years down the road. You were my first real boyfriend and not until I was much older did I realize what that would entail exactly. Our first few years were just simple innocents, but we were madly in love with each other. A sudden break up happened your senior year of high school and needless to say I was a little more than heart broken. I did not react in the way I had hoped but I rebelled and became vengeful. For so long you were pushing me away, my existence, my love, our friendship. For a short time we became strangers. Seeing you in the halls was your basic breakup torture and when you'd purposely walk by my locker after last period everyday and shut my locker on me while I was getting my things, I didn't find it flirtatious or cute. I found out you weren't going to Villanova and chose the one school I was hoping you wouldn't go to. I knew at that time we were nothing and I thought we were over for good but like always you swooped in at the right time and stole my heart again. I got to have you in my life for all the important things.. my birthdays, my graduation and my prom. Did I wish more than anything I was there for all of yours too; of course. Us getting back together was probably one of the biggest things to talk about in our town, but you and I couldn't have been more happier. If it's too good to be true then it probably is. You immediately pulled us back to why we broke up in the first place and my happiness and comfort was ripped from me. It was fight after fight for a while and you had to prove yourself. That was where the ring came in, my forever ring. We were sitting outside your house, you had two bouquets of flowers and a tiffany's ring box. You pretty much proposed to me at this point but I wasn't the slightest bit scared or freaked out because you were the only love I knew and I truly thought we were going to get married. I put that ring on with every hope and expectation that this was it, we finally found our way back to each other and nothing was getting in the way this time. Well I was wrong, jealousy and paranoia got in our way, which led to actual people getting in the way. Neither one of us was innocent in this matter and if I could change it or take all the things I did wrong back, I would in a heart beat. We were so happy and so good when we were with each other but the minute we had distance it was a whole different relationship. You began to start taking me and my care for granted, becoming all too comfortable with me sticking around all the time. But I will say that when we were good, I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back on old pictures my smile was just entirely different. I know Im still getting over everything that happened because you were my best friend and my other half for a very long time. But you did take my heart and a huge part of me. I have my heart back but I still am looking for those pieces. We have tried the closure thing way too many times and every time we just came up with the " I'll see you again some day". Too much has happened in between now that the whole " we'll never be over thing" has kind of lost its meaning. You have let go completely and I'm almost on my way there, Im just still holding onto the friendship we had. Saying good bye to you before you left for school this year was extremely hard and I knew deep down it would probably be the last time I see you and be friends. Now I know if I see you it isn't because we wanted it. But you showed me more than you'll ever know and there are days where I wish I could erase you and then other days I wish we could be the old us who were best friends. Erasing you though would mean my life would be completely different and with how my life is right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess being in your life was much harder than not being in your life... ignorance is bliss and first loves can really take a hold on you.

Letter Number Two

This letter is to the boy who made me fall in love with him with no intentions of ever falling back,

When I met you I had no intentions of even knowing you. Then you asked me out to dinner and I was taken back. What I knew of you was that taking a girl on a date was not normal so I was somewhat intrigued by this. We went on our first date and I had so much fun. We never stopped talking and I can still remember every detail. We began to hang out regularly and eventually one thing led to another. I was attracted to the opportunities I had with you because you were older and had your own place. Whenever something went wrong with my boyfriend at the time and we'd break up I'd go straight for you. You were my escape from everything. You definitely were my growing up turning point. You took me to my first bar, showed me what boston night life really was, and reminded me that I lost my innocence. Slowly but surely I was falling for you. I always saw the better in you, that even yourself couldn't see. I have never been able to explain my feelings really because I never was comfortable with them. You had a wall up that no one could break down. I thought that I was slowly taking one brick out at a time but to my surprise I think I was just adding more stone and cement to the wall. I understood you and I still understand you to this day. I took time and made extreme efforts to be your friend and listen to you talk about your past present and future. The time and dedication I gave you has never been matched, I think you took up all my energy in the end. Our "relationship" started to progress and we were with each other a lot more than usual. The day I fell in love with you I can still remember. We were taking a walk on the beach and you told me your entire life story and told me you consider me a best friend. I loved that you were always there when I needed you and how protective you were about me. Whether you choose to admit it or not I know you did care about me because you were never one to put much effort into anything and little do others know how close we really were. When we had to go through one of the hardest things I didn't expect you to be there for me, but you were by my side until I assured you I was okay. I never had to work at someone letting me in and showing me feelings but with you I had to and that taught me a lot. You said something that always has stayed in my mind... " I've never left but you always keep running away and then back to me when things don't go the way you planned...so remember I never left you." I didn't realize I was doing that nor did I think you noticed. Thats when I really thought I broke down some of your wall. We never made it to a title and thats because in the end you didn't want me. Everyone saw how I looked at you and the way I felt about you but still that had no effect on you what so ever. You did whatever with who ever and never thought of me once, never considered how hurt I would be. When I said I love you to your face in the car that night with tears pouring down my face I meant it. It was the scariest thing to say that to a person I knew deep down wouldn't even feel an ounce of that for me. But you played your cards right and I fell head over heels in love with you. I always hoped I would be different for you, how crazy is that? You used to tell me I'd be a star one day, I even kept that text saved to this day just incase I want another reminder that I can accomplish my big dream. But now you laugh at my accomplishments and dreams, you say how you can't take anything I do seriously. Maybe thats your insecurity talking because you have seen how as hard as it was and has been, I still cut you off and haven't tried running back. You did bring back every insecurity I had and I was petrified at the fact of ever giving my heart to another person again. How we ended wasn't on the best note but it had to happen. I'm sorry you thought I only told you what I thought you wanted to hear but everything I said to you was the truth and genuine. I don't regret the lessons I learned from you but I do regret falling in love with you because in the end it was only thrown right back in my face. You did the one thing you knew would hurt me and you admitted to it too. Will I ever know how you felt about me? Probably not. But I do know that you cant be with someone for 2 years and not feel anything for them, you especially just wouldn't have stuck around. So take care of yourself and know that I truly tried everything I could but somehow it just wasn't enough for you.

Letter Number One

This letter is to a boy who in my mind died almost 3 years ago,

It's crazy to think I haven't seen you in years or even heard your voice. I used to remember what you look like but if I passed by you I wouldn't be able to recognize you. I never believed it was possible to convince oneself that someone no longer exists, only allowing a few memories remain in your mind. The memories I have aren't pleasant ones. We started out as a great relationship, so I thought but I should have read the first warning sign when you put your hands on me in front of an entire crowd. That was red flag number one but we seemed to work through that. You always had a way with your words, I had no idea that it would turn into manipulation and in the end I would become a basket case. Everything you said, I believed. I truly thought you were the greatest thing to walk this earth and I was the luckiest girl to have you-- oh god was I wrong. We went through one of the most difficult things and for some parts of it I could say you were there by my side, but then I think back and I remember your pre-insane antics, so I take back that you were by my side. Ultimately that put a huge strain on our relationship and I began to pull away from you. You went off to college and I was still starting my senior year. It was never easy to visit you so you would always come home on weekends. Little did I know that the one girl I had a funny feeling about would be one of the many girls you cheated on me with. I would jokingly say imagine if I just showed up at your dorm in the morning, surprised you and a girl was sleeping in your bed. Well joke was on me because the one morning I go to surprise you after a month of not seeing each other and oh to my surprise you weren't sleeping next to a girl, you were having full on sex with her. Shutting that door and walking to my car I felt numb, I had no emotion and I didn't even cry. I opened my door sat in my car started the engine and drove for 3 hours home with not one single tear coming down my face. This was red flag number two. But of course I stuck around because you immediately fought for me back. We just kept hitting bump after bump after that and eventually I called it quits after numerous visits to see my ex boyfriend at his college. You do see what has happened here right? We dated for a year in a half and I cannot remember one happy or good thing. You claimed me as the cheater when in fact that was you. I was deceived by your twisted mind and beaten by your uncontrollable fists. After dating you I became paranoid and scared of everything, except my first boyfriend.. he was the only one I would let get close. I remember the last time I will ever see you though. I had just started my internship and we made plans to grab lunch at Panera. It was our closure because after that I never had much desire to ever hear your name or see you again. We didn't really talk much and I just couldn't get over how different you had already looked in only 3 months. You congratulated me on my graduation and acceptance to college. Before I knew it 1:30 rolled around and I had to be back at my cubical. You walked me to my car, hugged me and said please don't be a stranger and walked away. I immediately called my boyfriend at the time and assured him I was okay,not harmed and relieved it was finally over. When I got home I packed all your things in a box and left it at your door step and that would be the last time I would ever have to think of you, or so I thought. flash forwarding to around this same time actually 2 years ago and I received a text from you saying you were sorry for everything you put me through. We did talk for a little while but I knew you'd do a 180, become a vicious person again and tear my life apart with words. That was the last of it, I knew I didn't deserve what you were doing to me. I was never the same after you came into my life and it took years for me to forget you entirely. You fell into drugs and I don't think I'll ever see you come out of it. You deserve all the horrible things this world will give you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You took a piece of me that never belonged to you in the first place and I'll never get back. In my mind you died the minute you said "don't be a stranger."


Ask anyone and they will all say the same thing.. forgiveness and me do not mingle, at least we didn't until now. As I have said before some things in my past I am not proud of, letting people walk all over me was the main one. I let people who barely knew me say anything they wanted about me and to be honest it did hurt. They had one person (whom has shown themselves to be the horrible person I warned them about) feeding them false information and in return they created an awful opinion of me. Eventually true colors were shown and people realized that perhaps I am not anything like they thought I was. Thats the trouble with us girls, we judge based on what our friends have told us regardless if we knew them prior or just knew of them. We lose all desire to seek out the person and get to know them.

I think that it takes a person with a lot of respect and who's genuine to say sorry and truly mean it. I am not a person who says sorry unless I knew I was in the wrong. When I received an apology from some individuals I never thought would, I was relieved to say the least. I was aware of situations but I did not expect an apology out of it. I was sitting with my boyfriend when the apology was given and I didn't know whether or not to respond. The hurt was still there and I was afraid they did it for all the wrong reasons. It may not seem like a big deal to you but it was to me because of certain circumstances. I slept on the idea of responding and decided that perhaps it deserves an answer. I was truly thankful that they took the time to admit their wrongs and try and make peace. I once considered these people my friends so I tried to think optimistically and said thank you. It turns out it wasn't fake, it was very genuine and I know this because it was a simple conversation yet it said so much. Karma has a funny way of working in everyone's lives. Sometimes it's in your favor and sometimes it kicks you straight in the ass. But remember when you consciously and maliciously do wrong to others expecting no retaliation, you are mistaken. What goes around always comes around. Forgiving was never easy for me until I put myself in the other person's shoes. I could see why they did what they did and better late than never to resolve the situation.

So maybe forgiveness is okay, it can't hurt right?

Interview with the Gorgeous Tiffany

Did you know that there are millions of blogs out there dedicated to every stitch, every sole, and every strap of fashion. These girls have an enormous passion for the runway, the models and the clothes they carry with them. Many of them are noted for their personal sense and ability to deliver it to others. They can be recognized by a feature on a big time website, by a shout out on another blogger's post, or even just by the amount of followers they have gained {And trust me we are ecstatic when any of those happen}. Even though I am a real life based blog I do have a huge love for fashion and a respect for all those girls whom take their passion and make it into basically a part time job. People who read blogs but do not exactly write one are not aware of the preparation each author takes on the posts. It takes a lot more than an opinion and a few pictures. A general idea you can find here of how to be successful in one of the most competitive topics to blog about; fashion of course. When you become a follower of a blog you get a sense of the person and develop a 'friendship' of sorts. I asked Tiffany if I could do an email interview and I could not be more thrilled with the answers. Her blog is one of my favorite fashion based blogs because its relatable, reliable and affordable...three of my favorite adjectives! Her posts are always kept up to date with the newest trends and her passion is painted with every word she types. Here's the interview I hope you enjoy!

1. So I need to know first, how did you come up with your blog title and how long have you been blogging?
I have been blogging for a couple of months now and I absolutely love. The title actually came from my mother. I had trouble coming up with one and my mom picked this one out and I stuck with it and love it.

2. Who are your blogger inspirations and who are your celeb inspirations?

My blogger inspirations would have to be Lindsey Calla of SaucyGlossie.com and Anna Katrina of Passport Glamour. I love their fashion and how they can combine anything and make it look effortless. I also am inspired by your blog. You talk about real things that anyone especially girls can relate to. Annalynne McCord. I admire her fashion sense so much. She always has a different look and that is how I am too. She is so beautiful and such a poised woman.

3. Do you free write about whats going on in your personal life
    Yes I do, I keep a journal.

4. What is your opinion on relationships?

     I am in a relationship now and I am absolutely happy. I have been in this relationship      
     for almost two years now and I know I found the one man I am going to be with   
     forever. We have talked about it and we will get married soon. Relationships are a 
     good thing only if you are happy in them and care about yourself before you care 
     about someone else. I know that is cliché, but it is true. 

5. Do you have a "wife" ( If you don't know what Im talking about , see my post 'everyone needs a wife')

Yes I do have one and I love her to death. I can depend on her and talk to her about anything. Our relationship has changes a little since she got married and now has a beautiful baby girl, but we try and see each other as much as we can and we always make time for a “phone date.”

6. When you are putting together a post, how do you go about it?
I always brainstorm. I take a sheet of notebook out and list three different looks I would want to shoot. I shoot all the looks and the one that comes out the best I post on the blog.

7. Have you ever felt like giving up on blogging? And if so what kept you from leaving?

I have never wanted to give up on blogging. I am very proud of my blog and I know the followers will come.

8. Do you think you'll ever have an additional blog to your current one right now?

I am hoping to start on when I get married and have a family. I want to share with people my experience of being a wife and a mother.

9. Where do you want this little piece of yourself and your love of fashion take you?

I want my blog to become big. I want to have sponsors one day and be able advertise for them. I want it to be one of those that you would call a “hobby job.”

10. Since you are a fashion based blog, what do you think of those who concentrate more on life experience instead?

I respect their blogs and follow them. I love how they open up about personal issues and share them with everyone. Someone may be going through a rough time or a joyous time and knowing someone else goes through what they go through may comfort them.

11. Theres always a back story to everyone's passion, what inspired you to become a passionate fashionista?

I have always loved playing dress up since I could reach  my mother’s jewelry and make up. I do not remember a time that I did not have a passion for fashion.

12. What would you want to say to those who think fashion is " a waste of time and money" That I really do not care what they think. I don’t need anyone to judge me or what I do. I   
am happy and that is what really matters.

Tiffany is just such a sweet girl whom I have enjoyed chatting with since becoming each other's followers on not only one another's blogs but on twitter as well. Her answers were just the icing on the cake as to why I am a daily reader and loyal follower to her blog. PS wasn't she so sweet to include me in her favorite blogs!? Along with two others that I also enjoy a lot. Anna happens to be a good friend of mine so it is great to see her get recognized for her fashion and style achievements too. I think its also nice to see that regardless of all the bloggers out there, no one is really in it to outdo the other, they are supportive and will give recognition whenever deserved, and Tiffany really deserves this recognition.

So become a follower on her page to show her your support. To read it is one thing and trust me its appreciated, but to see that number increase is such a great feeling. 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Single vs Relationship

Single life was fun and I am happy I finally got to experience it but there is just something about finding your other half. Knowing that they think you're beautiful, makeup and hair done or not. That they love falling asleep next to you. But when you're single you find those other guys that try and say just the right words to charm you and have you in their beds and in your bra and panties within 2 minutes. Then after they are through with you they say they're tired and you can call yourself a cab, number should be on the refrigerator. You get the texts and calls only after it's 10:00 pm and not once do they care to know you as a person. All they care about is how pretty you are, what you look like without clothes on and your abilities in bed. So should we be punished and under appreciated if we are pretty, if we do take care of ourselves , look good without clothes, and we just so happen to know a thing or two when it comes to good sex? That's how I felt while I was single. I felt like NO man had respect for me no matter how I carried myself and apparently my personality wasn't worth knowing. Ah but then there's relationships. That can make girl feel like they are trapped or that they can't do whatever they wanted like they used to. The minute a guy finds out you have a boyfriend you are no longer alive to him pretty much because the obstacle has appeared and they no longer have any use to know more than our name and relationship status... I bet they don't even remember my name. This is why no matter what you can't win with society. Either you go along with the single shenanigans (which would later put you in the "slut" category, if you didn't know girls when we have our needs met its because we have no self respect and we're just a little too easy... didn't you know?!) Or you have a boyfriend who truly makes you happy and respects you, but kiss all other males in your life goodbye because now you are pretty much invisible to them. 

So guys-- explain yourselves please.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My Gorgeous Readers ( You too men! you're gorgeous too)

I just wanted to apologize about my absent of posts. I have been super busy fighting off a cold, college life and getting some interviews complete for future posts. I have some great ideas for this week so try and keep up because the posts will be popping up left and right :) Im going to get into makeup and skin care, then into "my fashion love" and then of course I need to go back to my life and I will be writing a 'closure letter' to all those boys from the past. They are going to say what I though months ago to what I think now, so don't worry not everything I say is what I feel now, just what I felt then. Those should be interesting. So I hope you all are having a fabulous weekend. If you are along side me with a cold, feel better! If you are crazy busy with college work and extra stuff, breathe and take it one step at a time. If you are just in preparation for a new post, I am so so excited to read them!

Always Choose Paris

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

My Closure.

"The hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them, in fear of what I might find. By then, you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn't want to ever forget that."

It was hard to turn my back on something that I felt so strongly about, but I didn't have a choice... that part is over and there's nothing that could be done to change it. So I will keep the letters and I will keep the memories in a special place. I'll try and move on with my life as best as possible without him, making the most of all this sadness.

Always Choose Paris

Friday, November 12, 2010

Friend or Enemy?

Usually the question is can a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend, but I think the question is ' should a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend'

For me it really depends on the circumstances of it all. Each relationship had a different beginning, middle and ending. For some we had been best friends for years before we started dating and others we were strangers and then instantly a couple.

Each day I have a different answer for this. Some times I can set everything aside and be his friend and then other days all my thoughts are consumed with how the hell did it turn into this? I try and fix things but I have to keep reminding myself that this is permanently broken.. that those wounds are still open and I just simply cannot get over it. The cracks will always be there and just going back would make those walls and my somewhat found happiness crumble. Will I always care about him and love him? Sure, maybe, I don't know. But I do know that when I think about us I become upset but not in a way where I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my bed forever...instead I want to drive to him and try and understand because after 2 years of being apart I just simply don't understand. There has never been a closure between us so I guess until that is found there cannot be a friendship. How I plan on dealing with this is running. I will keep running from reminders and him until I can't remember him.

Taken from Flickr
So unless you are 100% over him, the relationship you once had, and the life you used to live you CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be friends with him. Its a self form of torture. You're never going to be able to move on completely if he is involved in your life. You're just going to drive yourself crazy with thoughts of, why isn't he trying to talk to me? Has he found someone else? Does he think about me? Does he still love me?... All these things realistically should not matter but we're human so they do. I thought I could handle him being in my life again because I always said I'd rather have him in it than not but I find myself going backwards and not moving on. I have so much I want to say to him but in the end it will never change anything. Whats done is done and right now my heart is saying enemy.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Everyone Needs a Wife

Every girl needs that other girl that will pick them up when they are down, slap them when they need to be slapped and praised when they deserve it most. We need that one person that despite everything remains on our side, but isn't afraid to tell us when we are wrong. Boyfriends and husbands are great amazing people, but  lets face it...they just don't get us. Thats why we need a wife, along with the other spouse. We need them to comfort us and have sleepovers with us when we are at our lowest point. We need them to always be our support system and backbone because we're human and sometimes we can't do it all. A wife gives honesty and care at the same time. My wife is Brooke, we clicked from the minute we became friends and I knew she'd be my other part of me forever. She is literally always there for me. Every time I call she answers, when Im upset she knows and she will do anything to change it. She can't stand me but at the same time loves me to pieces. We don't mind sharing a twin bed because we are that close. If you are familiar with Greys Anatomy and the relationship Christina and Meredith have, then you know Brooke and I. We make sense together. Everyone always comments on how "overly close" we are because honestly we are attached to the hip. She brings out a different side of me, an outgoing side. She is my wife and other half. I would be no where without her, she is irreplaceable.

A wife is more than just a best friend, they are a part of you.. with out them you just wouldn't be the same.

"She is my best friend, right or wrong she will always be there when no one else is"

Always Choose Paris

Finding Myself

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a retreat with hundreds of other women. I had no clue what to expect going into it, but I was open to the idea. I did not expect to become a totally different person coming out of it. As you have all been reading, I have been on this emotional roller coaster. One day I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and others I feel as though I am being drag down to the bottomless sea by the anchor, also known as my past. I knew I needed something to help me swim up to the surface, but this weekend wasn't what I thought would get me there; thankfully I was wrong.

Through this retreat I got to learn a few things about life in general. I learned that I need to suck it up; plain and simple. Life isn't as bad as I can make it seem in my mind. I need to understand that something has happened and suck it up. So what if I get rejected, so what if someone says something about me behind my back, so what if I spill a hot, i mean hot cup of coffee on my new white blouse... SUCK IT UP.

As the night was progressing I got to hear other women's stories about struggle and how they overcame it. I was truly inspired. One thing that really stuck to me was when one woman said this... " What other people say about me behind my back is not my business, I cannot be bothered" I have never heard something so simple speak to me the way those words did. I'm young and I still care what people say about me, maybe not what people think, but the words definitely stick... but I can't be bothered anymore, it just is not worth it.

Being around negative people is never, I mean NEVER a good thing. It only brings you down and ruins your mentality. This is where my change comes in. My boyfriend always says that I put other people's happiness before mine and I need to change that. What I didn't realize is what he truly meant until I went to this retreat.... I like being around happy people so thats why i was always like that but now i just need to learn to balance ( balance is key) I used to believe that it was ok if I was negative but the minute someone else was, I would rid myself of them because I just "couldn't surround myself with that". I was a huge part of the reason I was so miserable. I was half of the negative energy and I didn't even realize it, but my boyfriend did. But being that amazing guy he is, he knew I'd figure it out eventually and when I finally understood it, he'd be there for a shoulder to lean on.

In personalities there is a thing called "D.I.S.C" I will get into this entire thing on another time... but I realized I am 75% D and 25% I. I am a CONTROL FREAK. I am dominantly focused. I love details and ask good questions. I over analyze everything, not joking.. I would over analyze my cereal in the morning if I thought it was needed. I have a high ego and a fear of being taken advantage of. I am constantly frustrated if something does no go my way. My eyes cannot keep a secret. As a 'D' and an 'I' the things I need to learn are that I need people. Relaxation is not a crime. some controls are needed, especially self control. Focus on finishing well, be a team player, quit being so stubborn. It's ok to trust others, as long as you realize not everyone will let you down. I need to learn better time management, to be humble and avoid pride.

To overcome a challenge you first need to take a look in the mirror. My past is small, and I can still see it once in a while, like a rear view mirror, but the future and the happiness is in front of me in the windshield. I know that its in the past and I've learned a lot from it. No one needs to know what happened then because it doesn't matter anymore. The bad days are still days and that is what I need to be grateful for. I was given the ability to wake up the next morning, to start with a positive attitude and set goals, that I will now follow through. Instead of giving everything little bits of love, I will prioritize... TIME MANAGEMENT.

I truly figured out a lot about myself and my life this past weekend and I could not be happier or more excited to remain on this path. So many times I would get off track, but not this time... I won't allow it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Never Be Ashamed

I love writing. I am constantly thinking of the things I want to discuss and what approach I should take on it. I put a lot of effort and work into each post I write, just like any other blogger. Some may remember my old blog which I no longer have. People in my town saw it and immediately I was talked about ( not in a positive way either) So many people had something to say about it and would mock the things I wrote. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at first. I made my blog private then I would make it public the next day. Why was I ashamed of what I was writing and saying? It took a lot of confidence to put out my life for the world to see. One person in particular, Anna always would yell at me when I would make it so no one else could see it. " Why would you ever care what people say about you're blog, you don't like them anyways so their opinion especially should not matter"... she was so right. PS thank you Anna for pushing me to remain my own person I made a new blog (this one) to start on the right foot again, clean slate if you will. This time I did things right. I never let those critics affect me or my writing. I am so happy with the progress I have made. There are so many supporters out there that I had no idea about before.

No one should ever be ashamed of something that makes them happy. Writing constantly makes me happy, seeing a new follower appear on the right hand side of this site makes me smile beyond belief ( ask my boyfriend) When I see comments I am so ecstatic because not only do I have readers but I have responders and that is a great feeling. So thank you and I hope you keep on reading.

always choose paris

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Long Gone

I refuse to make the same mistake twice. For so long I have had this horrible tendency to keep making the same mistake over and over again. My mistake was letting people hurt me. I cannot be in that same awful place I once was... the outcome just wouldn't be good. When life seems like too much and right now it is beginning to seem that way; I run. I feel myself more than ever running from reality, running from everything because I don't want to be hurt. There is one person and place that can bring me to this feeling of assurance, but they appear to be far from my reach at this point.

I guess what I am looking for is someone to be head over heels about everything I do. I want that feeling that I made someone else extremely proud. Someone who feels like the luckiest person in the world because I am in their life. But of course I am very hard to satisfy so this seems nearly impossible.

Running away just seems to be the theme of my life I guess.

"You're right, I should run. But I'd rather be running towards someone than running away"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I think I speak for everyone when I say sometimes life is a little too much. Lately I have been running around like a crazy girl trying to get my life in order. Juggling 3 jobs, college full time, girlfriends family and a boyfriend is NOT an easy task.

Where did my 'me' time go??? Can I have it back now?

I am the queen of organization. I need everything neat and clean and perfect.. but lately everything is scattered, nothing is in the right place and frankly nothing that is at the top of my list is getting done. I don't know when this started happening but I need it to stop immediately. I am the type of person that can't do anything until everything around me is organized so I find myself cleaning more than concentrating on the important stuff, and myself. I feel as though I have no time to breathe or sit down or even eat for that matter. I start to wonder is being the best at everything truly worth it? Or will I just end up failing at everything and be left with a huge pile of disaster that-- you guessed it, I'll scramble to clean because like I said before I am a neat freak. I keep getting this feeling of anxiety and I just wish things could fall into place a little better.

I find myself always asking the same questions... Did I really think it was a smart idea to start an independent business at such a young age with no financial back up? I mean I am paying for college out of my pocket every month... how in the hell did I think I could support a business too? And why the hell did I join the school newspaper, because I somehow ended up becoming the editor and president of that too, which ultimately means more work than I bargained for. Do I really deserve such an amazing boyfriend if I can't give him the time he deserves? I mean our only time I can hang out with him, is spent in a library. There is plenty wrong with this picture I have painted, so how do I make a new and less complex one?

Readers... If you're out there, paint a pretty picture for me.

Monday, November 1, 2010


I don't really have much to say or any particular topics to discuss. All I can think is how happy I am with my life, who is in it and how situations have turned out. I am never usually one to be happy with someone else's misfortune but after some rather splendid news I can't help it. Karma is something I fully believe in and they have finally got what they deserved. One thing my mother has always taught me is that people who are malicious will self destruct; and she could not be more correct. I am so thankful for my friends that saw through so many things and stood by me. Through this entire year I have learned a few things. Friends who are true will never leave you completely and revenge is something that will only back fire. It's much better to go about your life and know that life has a funny way of working itself out, people eventually show their real colors.