Who I was, Who I am, Who I'm Not, and Who I Want To Be

I have come across thousands of people who just don't get everything about me. Im aware of my complexity but no one has been able to quite handle, love, and understand everything about me except one person; Andrew.

He understands who I was, knows who I am, who Im not and the person I strive every day to be. To my astonishment he loves,understands and can handle every single part. It is a huge achievement when one self can accomplish this, but it is another thing when you find someone to love the you, you love, it makes the relationship that much stronger. Every single day I see how far I've come and I'm extremely proud of the progress.

Who I was: My own worst enemy, I could not get out of my own way if my life depended on it, unfortunately my reputation and what others thought of me did depend on that though.

Who I am: A girl who would wear her cowboy boots everyday if she could. Drinks way too much coffee for her own bodies good, would be lost if she could not make a "list" for everything she has to do. A girl who finds absolute happiness in writing and expressing herself, whether or not people agree. A girl who has dreams and goals she will one day achieve. An amazing friend and family member to those who have shown they deserve it. Has trust issues but working to fix it slowly. Different and wouldn't have it any other way. A girl trying to pay her way through college hoping to one day make it to Emerson or NYU and make it big.

Who I'm Not: A girl who will continue to reach in her past for answers. Someone who will allow others opinions to effect her life and ambitions. A girl who will back down from her beliefs because someone else has a problem with it

Who I want to be: An amazing wife and mother. A woman who has a series published and created into a motion picture. A sportscaster for the NHL. Traveled everywhere her heart desired. A woman who was able to say "My success is the best revenge" on several occasions. Someone who made a difference while here on earth.

This is the me I love and I finally found someone who is not ashamed of my past, who is proud of my present, and reassuring of my future. I found my biggest fan, my other half and rock.

I'd love to hear what you, the readers would say to these questions 

Where My Heart Is

Have you ever stepped off a plane or a boat and knew you belonged in this place, that it was meant to be more than just a vacation? The minute I arrived in Dallas, Texas I just knew that my journey for happiness would bring me here in the end. I fell in love with it's entirety. I can't exactly explain how it felt when I was in this lone-star state, but I felt like the missing pieces I lost along my way were filled with a new kind of love. For the first time in a long time I finally felt like myself and any dream I had or any wish I made could all become real. I never thought another city besides Boston could feel like home to me. I left a small town behind when I ventured to Dallas and all those insecurities and miserable thoughts I was consumed with vanished. I was in a place where no one had any idea who I used to be, what I had done, who I had dated...nothing. I had a new beginning there where I could be the person I had been striving to be. Trying to grow outside of your town is hard, especially when your reputation never leaves you despite your positive changes. Every single day I miss Dallas, wishing I could close my eyes, open them and I'd be sitting in Starbucks on Mockingbird Street with my best friend. The feeling of security I have there is irreplaceable, yet I keep trying to accomplish it here in this town. I know I need change, something I can marvel at, something that takes my breathe away... I need Dallas.

Friend or Enemy?

Usually the question is can a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend, but I think the question is ' should a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend'

For me it really depends on the circumstances of it all. Each relationship had a different beginning, middle and ending. For some we had been best friends for years before we started dating and others we were strangers and then instantly a couple.

Each day I have a different answer for this. Some times I can set everything aside and be his friend and then other days all my thoughts are consumed with how the hell did it turn into this? I try and fix things but I have to keep reminding myself that this is permanently broken.. that those wounds are still open and I just simply cannot get over it. The cracks will always be there and just going back would make those walls and my somewhat found happiness crumble. Will I always care about him and love him? Sure, maybe, I don't know. But I do know that when I think about us I become upset but not in a way where I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my bed forever...instead I want to drive to him and try and understand because after 2 years of being apart I just simply don't understand. There has never been a closure between us so I guess until that is found there cannot be a friendship. How I plan on dealing with this is running. I will keep running from reminders and him until I can't remember him.

Taken from Flickr

So unless you are 100% over him, the relationship you once had, and the life you used to live you CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be friends with him. Its a self form of torture. You're never going to be able to move on completely if he is involved in your life. You're just going to drive yourself crazy with thoughts of, why isn't he trying to talk to me? Has he found someone else? Does he think about me? Does he still love me?... All these things realistically should not matter but we're human so they do. I thought I could handle him being in my life again because I always said I'd rather have him in it than not but I find myself going backwards and not moving on. I have so much I want to say to him but in the end it will never change anything. Whats done is done and right now my heart is saying enemy.

Finding Myself

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a retreat with hundreds of other women. I had no clue what to expect going into it, but I was open to the idea. I did not expect to become a totally different person coming out of it. As you have all been reading, I have been on this emotional roller coaster. One day I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and others I feel as though I am being drag down to the bottomless sea by the anchor, also known as my past. I knew I needed something to help me swim up to the surface, but this weekend wasn't what I thought would get me there; thankfully I was wrong.

Through this retreat I got to learn a few things about life in general. I learned that I need to suck it up; plain and simple. Life isn't as bad as I can make it seem in my mind. I need to understand that something has happened and suck it up. So what if I get rejected, so what if someone says something about me behind my back, so what if I spill a hot, i mean hot cup of coffee on my new white blouse... SUCK IT UP.

As the night was progressing I got to hear other women's stories about struggle and how they overcame it. I was truly inspired. One thing that really stuck to me was when one woman said this... " What other people say about me behind my back is not my business, I cannot be bothered" I have never heard something so simple speak to me the way those words did. I'm young and I still care what people say about me, maybe not what people think, but the words definitely stick... but I can't be bothered anymore, it just is not worth it.

Being around negative people is never, I mean NEVER a good thing. It only brings you down and ruins your mentality. This is where my change comes in. My boyfriend always says that I put other people's happiness before mine and I need to change that. What I didn't realize is what he truly meant until I went to this retreat.... I like being around happy people so thats why i was always like that but now i just need to learn to balance ( balance is key) I used to believe that it was ok if I was negative but the minute someone else was, I would rid myself of them because I just "couldn't surround myself with that". I was a huge part of the reason I was so miserable. I was half of the negative energy and I didn't even realize it, but my boyfriend did. But being that amazing guy he is, he knew I'd figure it out eventually and when I finally understood it, he'd be there for a shoulder to lean on.

In personalities there is a thing called "D.I.S.C" I will get into this entire thing on another time... but I realized I am 75% D and 25% I. I am a CONTROL FREAK. I am dominantly focused. I love details and ask good questions. I over analyze everything, not joking.. I would over analyze my cereal in the morning if I thought it was needed. I have a high ego and a fear of being taken advantage of. I am constantly frustrated if something does no go my way. My eyes cannot keep a secret. As a 'D' and an 'I' the things I need to learn are that I need people. Relaxation is not a crime. some controls are needed, especially self control. Focus on finishing well, be a team player, quit being so stubborn. It's ok to trust others, as long as you realize not everyone will let you down. I need to learn better time management, to be humble and avoid pride.

To overcome a challenge you first need to take a look in the mirror. My past is small, and I can still see it once in a while, like a rear view mirror, but the future and the happiness is in front of me in the windshield. I know that its in the past and I've learned a lot from it. No one needs to know what happened then because it doesn't matter anymore. The bad days are still days and that is what I need to be grateful for. I was given the ability to wake up the next morning, to start with a positive attitude and set goals, that I will now follow through. Instead of giving everything little bits of love, I will prioritize... TIME MANAGEMENT.

I truly figured out a lot about myself and my life this past weekend and I could not be happier or more excited to remain on this path. So many times I would get off track, but not this time... I won't allow it.

Never Be Ashamed

I love writing. I am constantly thinking of the things I want to discuss and what approach I should take on it. I put a lot of effort and work into each post I write, just like any other blogger. Some may remember my old blog which I no longer have. People in my town saw it and immediately I was talked about ( not in a positive way either) So many people had something to say about it and would mock the things I wrote. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at first. I made my blog private then I would make it public the next day. Why was I ashamed of what I was writing and saying? It took a lot of confidence to put out my life for the world to see. One person in particular, Anna always would yell at me when I would make it so no one else could see it. " Why would you ever care what people say about you're blog, you don't like them anyways so their opinion especially should not matter"... she was so right. PS thank you Anna for pushing me to remain my own person I made a new blog (this one) to start on the right foot again, clean slate if you will. This time I did things right. I never let those critics affect me or my writing. I am so happy with the progress I have made. There are so many supporters out there that I had no idea about before.

No one should ever be ashamed of something that makes them happy. Writing constantly makes me happy, seeing a new follower appear on the right hand side of this site makes me smile beyond belief ( ask my boyfriend) When I see comments I am so ecstatic because not only do I have readers but I have responders and that is a great feeling. So thank you and I hope you keep on reading.

xoxo

always choose paris

Overwhelmed

I think I speak for everyone when I say sometimes life is a little too much. Lately I have been running around like a crazy girl trying to get my life in order. Juggling 3 jobs, college full time, girlfriends family and a boyfriend is NOT an easy task.

Where did my 'me' time go??? Can I have it back now?

I am the queen of organization. I need everything neat and clean and perfect.. but lately everything is scattered, nothing is in the right place and frankly nothing that is at the top of my list is getting done. I don't know when this started happening but I need it to stop immediately. I am the type of person that can't do anything until everything around me is organized so I find myself cleaning more than concentrating on the important stuff, and myself. I feel as though I have no time to breathe or sit down or even eat for that matter. I start to wonder is being the best at everything truly worth it? Or will I just end up failing at everything and be left with a huge pile of disaster that-- you guessed it, I'll scramble to clean because like I said before I am a neat freak. I keep getting this feeling of anxiety and I just wish things could fall into place a little better.

I find myself always asking the same questions... Did I really think it was a smart idea to start an independent business at such a young age with no financial back up? I mean I am paying for college out of my pocket every month... how in the hell did I think I could support a business too? And why the hell did I join the school newspaper, because I somehow ended up becoming the editor and president of that too, which ultimately means more work than I bargained for. Do I really deserve such an amazing boyfriend if I can't give him the time he deserves? I mean our only time I can hang out with him, is spent in a library. There is plenty wrong with this picture I have painted, so how do I make a new and less complex one?

Readers... If you're out there, paint a pretty picture for me.

Simple

I don't really have much to say or any particular topics to discuss. All I can think is how happy I am with my life, who is in it and how situations have turned out. I am never usually one to be happy with someone else's misfortune but after some rather splendid news I can't help it. Karma is something I fully believe in and they have finally got what they deserved. One thing my mother has always taught me is that people who are malicious will self destruct; and she could not be more correct. I am so thankful for my friends that saw through so many things and stood by me. Through this entire year I have learned a few things. Friends who are true will never leave you completely and revenge is something that will only back fire. It's much better to go about your life and know that life has a funny way of working itself out, people eventually show their real colors.

Soul Mate

Everyone believes that someone out there holds the key to their happiness. Most would consider this person as a boyfriend or a girl friend, husband or wife.. what have you. But my soul mate is something totally different. This is a love story, but not the kind you'd think.

They met when they were 5 years old, going on 6. She wore a mighty ducks hat backwards, baggy jeans and new kids on the block t-shirts, just your typical tom boy. You messed with her and she'd kick your ass. He was quiet, dressed "normal" and didn't dare try and stand up for himself. Complete opposites but became the best of friends. He saw something in her that no one else ever could, that only he could explain. Little did she know that he would become what she considered a soul mate.

He is her best friend. He has seen her go through everything, from her first of many heart breaks to when she finally learned to ride her bike without training wheels. There was no one that could compare or know her quite like him. She is very hard to handle and hold onto. The minute she feels like she isn't in control she will run and not look back. With him though she knows she's okay and will never be replaced. They hold a special place in each other's hearts and that is all the comfort in the world to her. She's complex, very unpredictable but he knows she's twisted and dark, he knows she acts on impulse and gets hurt more than she should but through it all he has loved her anyway.

He is her soul mate because he is her better half. They will never be more than best friends but that's why she can still believe in this concept of one person having that key. No one will be good enough for her just like no girl will ever be good enough for him. As they grow up they can still see the little kids in each other and to him she'll always be that little tom boy with her backwards mighty duck hat that he will always care for and protect.

If You Could Say One Thing To The World What Would You Say

If I could say one thing to the world I would say "dream big". Never give yourself a limit because with limits come disappointments. Dream what you want, be who you want.

What would you say to the world if you had a chance?

I Need More Than Glue and Tape

For the most part I like to believe I'm pretty put together. I have three jobs, I go to college {and pay for it every month myself} I have a nice car, amazing friends and family, and I am part of the newspaper and honor seminar. But one thing that I always do is run. I can be so interested in someone and the minute they even show the slightest bit of interest back I run. I tell myself I don't want it anymore, that I'm better off without another person. Why do I insist on running from anything good? It's pretty evident that he won't hurt me but still I insist on talking myself out of any guy that could make me happy in my life. I am aware I am doing this but every day I try and fight the thoughts and don't act on them. I truly don't know why I do this though. I fixed my life by patching it up with glue and tape. I am still at the point where I don't know what will make me fall apart again. These fixes were only temporary but for now they are getting me through the days. You'd think though that I learned not to run when I know it's a good thing...

Yes, I Know

-What defines you?

My writing defines me. I am passionate in everything I say. Im imperfect and chaotic.

-What do you stand for?

I stand for feminism and being a single girl. I stand for the importance of finding oneself. I stand for making a change

-Who matters most to you?

My family, my dog, and my three best friends

-Are you confident?

Yes, in every aspect. It took a while but I am finally 100% confident in everything, mentally physically and emotionally

-Are you a follower or do you walk to your own beat?

I used to be the person that would do whatever made others happy, but since I have found a change in my life I have become an individual. I do whatever makes me happy, sure I look up to people and value others opinions but I am definitely different and I LOVE it.

-What can you do to make a difference?

I can share with others my experience in hopes that they take a lesson out of it. I want to be a role model to young girls. I want to show that if you put your mind to something, you can achieve it.

-What is the point in being sad, when you know very well you can put just as much effort into being happy.

There is no point. I have so many things to be happy about that the sad things should only be a little increment towards my life. I used to be a miserable person, I never knew why people wanted to be around me. Once I realized I could take a step back and choose to be happy I began to change.

- Who are YOU?

I am Danielle Meuse. I am writer. I am a daughter and a sister. I am driven and a strong individual. I will make a difference one day. I have a 'big dream' and work at it every day. I hate the person I used to be and it took me a year of searching and mistake making but I finally have made permanent changes. I am a completely different girl I was a year ago.

-What gives you any right to judge others?

I have no right, therefore I try everyday not to. Give everyone and everything a chance :) Everyone has a story as to why they are the way they are.

Thank you for those who emailed me your answers and for Elle who posted hers. My purpose of this was to have you as the reader really take a better look at the important questions. I did this same "questionnaire" a year ago and my answers were completely different. They were socially acceptable and had a sense of anger hidden in between the lines. I think to answer these questions every now and then is a good thing. You get to see where things have changed and what has remained the same. Being honest is the first step.

But Do You Really Know?

There are those uncomfortable questions, the ones we think are so simple at the time but when you look at them, dissect each and every part they become all too complex for our comfort.

-What defines you?

-What do you stand for?

-Who matters most to you?

-Are you confident?

-Are you a follower or do you walk to your own beat?

-What can you do to make a difference?

-What is the point in being sad, when you know very well you can put just as much effort into being happy.

- Who are YOU?

-What gives you any right to judge others?

Sit and read these questions. Take a piece of paper and answer them. Don't think before you answer, just answer. If you're comfortable to tell me, what were your answers? Were your answers honest, or did you write what you thought would be accepted.

I'll give my answers on Wednesday.

A Confident Girl is a Happy Girl

"I couldn't help but wonder... inside every confident, driven, single woman, is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?" Confidence- Every girl wants it, strives for it, and deserves it. There are things that constantly get in the way and overshadow our ability to achieve this confidence though; men. I am speaking for myself in this... for so long I would do anything and everything to please a guy just so I could feel something. I thought that this "something" would get me confidence, but it only caused self doubt and horrible self esteem. In the end they didn't want me and I put all blame on myself. I never thought once that maybe it was them and perhaps they weren't worthy of me. flash forward to now... I am an extremely confident girl. I know what I want and I refuse to settle. I also don't give up on something if I believe that it's a good thing. I realized through all my soul searching that I deserve something beautiful, I deserve confidence. No one, male or female will ever take that from me again. People are constantly asking me what happened to make me so happy now. Immediately they assume I have found a boyfriend. NOPE! I am happily single and what I found was confidence. It took a lot for me to find it, but now that I do I am never letting it go. I found confidence through being an individual. I do my own thing. People may not agree or find it odd, but I love what I do because it does make me smile. Confidence can take people a long way and I believe after this past month and all of it's progress I will achieve my "big dream". I saved myself, I didn't need that prince charming anymore. I didn't need that fairy tale happy ending anymore. I finally was growing up.

It's Better to be Absolutely Ridiculous...

Life would be pretty boring if you lived it on the safe side. As I grow up I keep learning valuable life lessons. When I was lost for a little while, I ended up losing my gregarious personality. I loved being social and meeting new people. I could strike a conversation with a stranger and it'd be as if we knew each other forever. I have that back now and it's a great feeling. I truly believe unless you are outgoing and a go getter, you won't get anywhere. Last night I was at the Bruins Rookie game and I was determined to meet the players. I sat outside the gate and waited (anxiously) for Tyler Seguin. When I saw him walking out I made sure he'd notice me. It was a dream come true to meet him and when I said that he laughed and said "how old are you?" I told him 20 and he said " But I'm only 18" I told him I didn't really care at all, it actually made him that much better because at such a young age he is really achieving all his dreams. He hugged me and said "thanks!" But I realized if I wasn't outgoing and had integrity, I would never get noticed. I want to make a difference and I want to be successful in a competitive field of work. I won't get anywhere by just sitting here and crossing my fingers, finding every four leaf clover and making a wish at every 10:17 and 11:11. I need to put myself out there, look foolish a little once in a while, but show my dedication and love for what I do.

Because I Care

Boston is my favorite city. I love the people, the streets and the way you only have to turn a corner and it can be a totally different world. Yesterday I went into the city because I was walking for the MSPCA. My team alone raised 1500 dollars and I was pretty impressed. The amount of people that came out and supported this cause was incredible. They had so many information tables, and all proceeds went straight to the Angell memorial. The Jimmy Fund was also going on yesterday and I decided I'd walk the MSPCA but donate $200.00 to the Jimmy Fund. When I walked by to see how the turn out I was beside myself with happiness. They raised 6.5 million dollars this year. To be apart of all these great causes yesterday really was empowering. Sitting at lunch with my best friend and our dogs, everyone just seemed so happy and friendly. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was coincidence, but I really think it was just the contagious energy that everyone felt. Perfect day all around and I was proud to be apart of it. It's these kind of days that really motivate me to remain positive and concentrate on my goals and plans Volunteering is honestly one of my favorite things to do.

My mom and I one morning were getting coffee and having a little intervention. She said something that really stuck... " You have one of the biggest hearts I know, you love and care for everyone and everything.. but you need to give it all to the things and people that deserve it and I think that volunteering for kids and animals is where your heart is" My mom was right, I do love to love and I needed to direct all that on things that actually deserve it, not boys or friends that clearly don't want to put in effort.

Letting Go

Letting go... It was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Let go of the life I once knew, let go of the memories, let go of my love for him. For so long he was my entire world and I made it that way. Everything I did, he was involved in some shape or form. He on the other hand got lucky. He went back to a place where only a few things reminded him of me, but there was plenty of space and people to make an entire new life for himself without a thought of me in it. I'm still stuck in the town we grew up in, our houses are only 7 minutes away from each other and my name is still attached to his. For a while I resented everything and wanted to escape and I thought moving to another state was the only solution. Well I am too afraid to be without my family so I never followed through with that. I stayed in the same town, dealt with his existence and the struggles of moving on from my first love. Its been over a year now and I can finally say that I have moved on. This happened a few months ago but I needed to see if how I felt still exists when we would hang out and when he left for school, and it has. Letting go of what was, truly is a therapy all on it's own. I accepted what he will always be to me, that yes he is and will always be that sensitive subject and someone I will always defend no matter what he has done and that we are over; for good. I don't mind that we are over... I never really did because I found out who I was without him and I liked that self a lot better. I saw what else was out there, stupidly fell in love again with a different person and consequently got my heart broken. Swore off all guys in a "serious" light and just did my thing for a while. But now I realize that was all a journey to where I am now. I may love being single, but in the scheme of things, that's not me. I am a hopeless romantic. I memorize 'those' love songs and weep over romantic movies and books. At the same time though, my heart is so damaged that I refuse to let anyone, doesn't matter who you are, no one can get too close where I can be hurt. Now Im not saying that everyone will hurt me, but at first my guard remains up.

Moving on is good for the heart, for the mind and for the soul. You can't be happy or see your highest potentials until you let go. No one can change it or fix it. I let go, he is a happy person and he has potentially found someone who makes him smile. It's a very hard thing, to see someone you once made happy, happy with another person. For so long you were the only one for him and now that has changed. He isn't the type to just give any girl a title. You need to be something extraordinary to him, and I know that when he finds that someone, she will be. But as they say 'love is never fair'. I can't be upset that he has found happiness when Im on this desperate search to find something too. So I let go and hoped for the best.

Right Book First Chapter { I can see it now}

As she was moving through the chapters of her second book she found something, something that exceeded all her expectations and truly made her smile. After everything she has been through shouldn't she at least be open to it? She thought she was, but then that fear of getting hurt sank in. She was convincing herself that there were no good intentions on his end, that this was all a game. Maybe it was the rumors circulating that caused her to run and write him off, but something about him kept her coming right back. Maybe the fact that he was a chase and she liked that, or maybe she actually felt something, even if it was the tiniest bit. She is the type of girl who will stick around for a few months, get bored and just disappear out of his life, and then reappear when she finds it convenient for just her. But this time he wasn't going to let her do that. Slowly he was putting her in her place, telling her how it really is and if she doesn't like it then she can leave, but she never wanted to leave. He was teaching her lessons.

-The more you convince yourself that someone is going to hurt you, you're going to hurt yourself in the end. He'll not want to deal and you'll be stuck alone again on that one way street you found all too familiar.

-Relax. Take things for what they are in that moment in time.

-Who cares what people think or want, they knew what was going on with one another and in the end that was what counted.

He was showing he was sorry and she needed to stop painting this picture of how it should be, because guess what? It wasn't that way and if she didn't like the way it was, then there was the door. She no longer would be cosseted and she needed that.

She took a step in and hoped to god it wasn't a mistake, but she swore she wouldn't dwell on the "what if".

"When it was hard to take this is was I thought about. Do you remember we were sitting there by the water. You put your arm around me for the first time. You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter. You are the best thing"

Why I Do This

So people ask constantly, why do you put so many personal things on the internet for everyone to see? Some days I have a justifiable answer and other days I want to delete this thing and stick to my journals where I can't be criticized.

But my answer is this... I was born to write. Since I was little I wrote in journals. I am the first to admit I am way too emotional for my own good. I have an opinion on everything and I could go on for days about how I feel. But I am also aware that some people are not comfortable with emotion so I try and keep it to myself as much as possible, hence my stacks upon stacks of journals. But I have a gift of passion and I express it through writing. I want to share my gift with the world. Whether I effect one person or millions, get published or just remain on this blog.

Although both of these amazing and beautiful women are no longer with me, they have so much to do with my writing and why I went public. If you knew my Aunt Ginny you would know she speaks her mind and does not care what anyone thinks. She may have been outspoken but she would do anything and everything for her family. She taught me at a young age to embrace what I feel and stick to my morals. Losing her was one of the hardest things I have ever endured, but her legacy of being honest especially with yourself, even when it may hurt, has lived on through not only me, but the entire family. And then there is my amazing and talented Aunt Christine. She was a journalist for the Hopkinton Times and my guru. She showed her dedication to writing everyday and I admired that. To have a writer in the family really pushed me to pursue the career. It was always my favorite topic to chat about at every family party. As prepared as we were for her passing, it didn't suppress the piece I would lose. Everyone in my family shares a different relationship with each individual. Our relationship had a lot to do with literature and the love for writing. So I continue to write as a form of appreciation.

Then there was my senior year of high school. Everything was changing, people were deciding where to go to school and what they wanted to pursue as a career. I was petrified of the thought of living away, but I did know what I wanted to get my degree in. I had an amazing journalism teacher that became more than that, she became a friend and confidant by the end. Julie Burke is her name and she is one of my biggest inspirations to my choice in journalism. Most of the time teachers don't open up to their students because it is considered 'unprofessional'. But the moment she opened up to my class, the environment was uplifting, you actually wanted to go to this class and do the homework. It is when people open up that we can develop an understanding and/or relationship.She helped me get into colleges I thought were out of my reach. She made numerous phone calls and helped me after school with not only my essays, but my financial aid and applications and personal problems. She really pushed the idea of me becoming a writer and told me to write everyday for at least an hour. She introduced me to some of the greatest writers of all time, such as Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison. The exposure to these pieces of writing opened my eyes to the possibilities.

And then there are the miscellaneous influences. Writers such as Elizabeth Wurtzel, Elizabeth Gilbert, Candace Bushnell, Joyce Carol Oates, Jodi Picoult. Movies such as Eat Pray Love, Breakfast at Tiffany's, The Color Purple, Erin Brokovich, Sex and The City 1, and Working Girl. And just driven women in general like Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Lauren Conrad, Jillian Michaels and Chelsea Handler

Quotes and music lyrics about life, love, and adventure are my weakness. I really could go on forever on the things that inspire me.

But ultimately it is the things I experience personally that are the biggest impact. Since I can remember I have wanted to write a memoir. Most people have a pre determined opinion of me, but they don't know anything about me. I want to show you that I have a story, just like you do. Everyone has the right to be heard, and I for one want to be. With putting myself out there, I make the possibilities of criticism greater and I understand that. Some people are going to love this and some people are going to love to hate it, that is just the way life goes. But just because some people have a negative opinion on my writing doesn't mean Im going to change it. I give any and every writer out there credit for putting themselves in front of a target, to open up to people whether they are worthy of your words or not. I do all this because it is what I love. I want to write about falling in and out of love, I want to write about significant experiences all in hopes that you can relate. I live and breathe writing. Positive or negative opinions on what I write, you still sat there and read it. So in the end I achieved what I wanted, to be heard and have an impact on your life. I have my own style of writing and I enjoy it fully. But I have learned to never say something that you are not fully prepared to be thrown back in your face when someone gets mad at you. So now you all know why I do this. The power I find reading my own words is irreplaceable.

"It has never been easy for me to understand why people work so hard to create something beautiful, but then refuse to share it with anyone, for fear of criticism. Wasn’t that the point of the creation – to communicate something to the world? So put it out there. "

For any aspiring writer, check this out.

Better Single Than Sorry

For all those who have a relationship that has lived up to their expectations and dreams, I envy you. But for those who are in a relationship and aren't 100% happy and positive that is what you want, I pity you.

For so long I was petrified at the thought of being without my boyfriend. I went from one boy to another to another to another to another and yes then to another. I needed to feel something, anything to get my mind off of my loneliness. I gave rebound a new meaning. But after much struggle and confusion I have found that I could not be happier as a single girl. I am twenty years old. The last thing I need is calling someone to check in, make sure that the people Im with are approved of by my boyfriend, and having "cuddle" time. I used to love all that, and sometimes I miss that but at the end of the day I would much rather be single. I need travel, adventure, partying excessively, and selfishness.

Girls.. being single doesn't mean that no man wants us. It means we know what we want and we won't settle for just anything. We love to have fun and are concentrating on our needs, as we should. This was my first summer with no strings at all and I can honestly say it was my best summer ever. I got to do what I wanted when I wanted with who ever I wanted and never had to worry about 'someone else'. At such a young age I think that single is the best route. It brings a new confidence to so many people. I have changed dramatically in just one year.

"He/She-tox"

I had to get rid of all evidence that he even existed. I grabbed every picture we took, every letter he wrote, threw his t-shirts and hockey jacket in a bag--drove to his house and left it on his front steps. And that was it..for the most part. Here and there we made some communication, but never to the point where I saw him face to face. That relationship changed me though forever. I had no idea what I was getting into when I started out. I always said how funny it was that we ended up together, and that's only because we should of never even met. Worlds worst relationship goes to him and I. If I saw him now I wouldn't even recognize him and I am extremely thankful for that. I don't want to know the person he was become. For a while I tried to make amends, but he would just tear my life apart and degrade me. One day I woke up and realized I needed to completely forget about him. To me... he died. I read a very helpful book about break ups. One tactic they recommended was called " He-tox"... I giggled at the name, but envied it's reality. I had to go through ex boyfriend detox. He didn't make me better, he caused so much anguish and depression. I look back on it now and realize where he is and where I am. I grew up like he said I needed to, I took responsibility and became independent. I thank god for the day he cheated on me and I got to walk in on it. It made me so much stronger in that part of my life. Of course it hurt like hell at first, but I saw what was really going on. I needed to rid of myself completely before I could realize the joke he has become.