Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Enchanted and His Girlfriend

"This is me praying that this was the very first page, not where the story line ends"

When I met him I knew he was something different. I noticed the way he could light up the room instantly. I never used to believe in "first sight", but now I do. I knew the minute I met him I wanted something, I wasn't exactly sure as to what but I knew to hold on as tight as I could. Slowly we were becoming closer and closer and I couldn't stop my feelings.

I used to be the first one to bash relationships. "They are a waste of time, a death sentence, and way too much effort for something that most likely won't last" --that was my argument and trust me I have countless examples of experience to back that all up. He opened my eyes up to something I have never felt before.

For the first time ever I was refusing to run from this. In the back of my mind I kept saying 'run as fast as you can' but I kept pushing it away. I knew I had something good and I would be a fool to give it up. So I stayed, I let myself get closer to him, I let myself fall for him. Since I was a little girl I have always dreamt of the perfect relationship, that one guy to sweep me off my feet in a way I couldn't even grasp. After heartbreak upon heartbreaks I gave up that fantasy. I became cynical and single with no interest in changing. But there he was with his amazing smile and dark eyes, just like that I was gone. I was laughing again, I was enjoying the love songs and the thought of finding that certain someone. He turned my entire world upside down.

"The way you smile around him, it's different than any smile we've seen before"

I finally found what I have been searching for since I knew of fairy tale endings. The funniest part of this all is I found him when I wasn't looking for him. We were talking about this earlier and he said some pretty valid things. Him and I both were not in search of a relationship or even had a desire of having one. We both were content with the life we had, we refused to settle for anything less than we wanted. The perfect relationship to me is what I have with him. I have loved, been in love, and lusted a lot of people but with him everything is just entirely different. When I say he is absolutely perfect to me I'm not exaggerating; I adore him.

Past relationships consisted of two types of people with only 1 exception.
Either I was dating a total asshole or I found those guys that would say "I love you" in 1 week and ask for my hand in marriage the next. I have no idea where I found the second bunch but they came around more often than I preferred. This is where he is so different. He is never mean to me, but he doesn't baby me either. He puts me in my place when needed and I know I will always get an honest answer from him, whether I like it or not. He isn't so nice that I wonder where his balls are and get so sick and bored and leave him. He cares about me, shows affection, and has proved that he will always protect me. I never knew the feeling of security when it came to males until I met him.

So when I swore to myself that I would never get into a relationship where getting hurt was an option; I didn't lie. He is so genuine, he tells me all the time how lucky he thinks he is to have found me and how happy I make him, I don't see him ever hurting me. I am so lucky to call him my boyfriend. I waved goodbye to my past relationships and I looked forward to the pages upon pages of happy endings. I shut that book of misery for good this time. No longer cynical and no longer single, and I would never change that for anything. I said before I needed an adventure and I think this is it. I found someone who will take me to an entirely new place, help me discover things I never thought I would. I found someone who is flawless and something that is effortless.

"This night is sparkling, don't you let it go"

Pity Party

I truly feel bad for this girl, I do. She has made up this huge storybook like love in her mind that truly was just never there. She has convinced herself that he actually thinks something more for her than a desperate and easy girl. He knew how obsessed she was with him, he knew what he had to say to get her in his bed... and he did just that. He was trying to cope and move on from a relationship that ended horribly and once was the most important thing in the world to him. There is a reason for that ring you know...How awful it must be to think you actually were important to a boy that will only have that place in his heart for one girl, and that isn't you. There are plenty of reasons why he has only had one girlfriend and you were never one of them. All her thoughts, all love songs remind her of a boy that felt nothing for her. I would hate to be that girl who was so blind to being used physically and abused emotionally. She can try as hard as she wants but there will never be a comparison. I don't know how many times I have heard from him... "I will find you again someday and it will be everything you had dreamed of, I promise". That poor silly pathetic girl wasted all her time and feelings on a one way street "first love" that will never see her as more than an easy in.

Dear Big

I don't think I will ever find a more perfect song to describe how I felt a year ago other than this song.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Dream Come True Birthday

Happy Birthday To Me!

In Revolution Rock Bar
My best friends

I cannot believe I am 21 years old. Time has definitely flown by and I am finding myself concerned with the future more than ever. As you've read before things have and keep on changing for me, for the good of course. I have found out who my true friends are, what I want and deserve out of life and the importance of this all. But for this one night I didn't have to worry. It was spent with my closest friends through out all the years dancing and taking pictures and a bottle of Stoli Citron {not my first choice, Im a whiskey girl} among other drinks. The people who attended my party proved a lot to me. The one thing that really made my birthday special was my best friend from when I was in Kindergarden until about 5th grade came to my party. We hadn't seen each other in about 10 years but it felt like only a few months... we picked up right where we left off. I was so happy I got to spend such an important and special birthday with the one person I spent my entire childhood with and knows a whole part of my life others don't. Looking at the pictures I realized I had a best friend from each part of my life there. One from childhood, another from high school and the other from college. I consider myself one lucky girl to be able to share my birthday with all three of them. Over all I am so happy and pleased with my birthday. I came away with a fun night, a boyfriend {yes I am in just as much shock too, but this story is for another time!} I got the Coach Watch from my wish list, and memories... Yes I can remember most of my 21st and that was very important to me.

Birthday Suit & Co

BCBGeneration Dress
Carrie Bradshaw's Hair and Studded Accessories For Inspiration
Essie's 'Putty' Nail Polish

Every girl should and wants to look absolutely amazing on her birthday. I made sure there were no room for errors. The list consisted of the perfect dress, manicure and pedicure, hair professionally done, and makeup done by MaryKay cosmetics of course! I felt like a princess at my 21st birthday party. After dragging my boyfriend around boston, a $55.00 parking ticket and two seconds away from being towed I found my dress at BCBG. It was originally $150.00 but I caught it on sale for just $50.00 { don't worry I was jumping up and down when I saw the price tag}. I went to my favorite nail salon, Nails and Spa for the best manicure and pedicure. All together only $45.00 and I am not the first to say that their customer service is priceless. I picked a color completely out of my norm; Muddy Grey by Essie. Like many others I love Essie Nail Polish. I think they are the best brand out there and I love that it is sold in Target. Curls upon curls for my hair by my lovely hairdresser Sarah at Jolans Hair Salon. I have been going to this salon since I was 6 years old. I told them I wanted Carrie Bradshaw curls and that's what I got. I could not have been more pleased with how my Birthday Outfit and such came out. I hope you like it too :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

My Letter to You

Now we never have to wonder if we missed out on each other,

I could not be happier to have you in my life. For the first time ever I know what it's like to be treated with respect and care. I knew you were different the minute I met you. I'm so happy I didn't let you run when you were afraid and I know you're not going to let me run now. We didn't have the easiest start but we saw through everything and knew what was in front of us. Every day I spend with you I fall harder. You understand me, you understand I have a past I am not proud of but have a future that is bright. Everyday you remind me that the sky is the limit and I see my better self in your eyes. I don't know what took you so long to find me but I would go through my past a million times if it still meant you were there in the end. I have never smiled or laughed so much in my life. You are everything I have ever wanted and so much more. You have shown me that I am what you want and no one can come between this. We're absolutely perfect for each other. You may be the only one that can handle me and that alone says a lot. You don't try and change me, you like me for me. Everyday you shower me with compliments and tell me how proud you are of my accomplishments. Everyone in my life adores you and knows you're the best thing to happen to me. You make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I adore your smile, your integrity, your laugh, your morals, your sense of humor. For the first time ever I have someone who's incredible and cares about me just as much as I care for them.

My wall is down, my guard is over and done with. You are what I needed to finally let everything from the past go. My new life is filled with possibilities and with you by my side I'll be unstoppable. You showed me the person I am supposed to be is the girl I am when Im with you. The past in a distant memory and you're all that's in focus

Love Me

Back and Forth

Surprised? No
Angry? Yes

You put all your feelings aside and tried to focus on the good of that person. You finally were able to forgive them, just to be smacked in the face again with reality. Reality is they will never be the person you created in your mind. No matter how hard you try and see that "good", it will never be there because its wishful thinking. They know you like the back of their hand so when they want you to believe that you were someone they loved and cared about no matter what, you believed them all because they say the right thing. You swallowed your pride, took every dirty look, every snide remark from everyone just to forgive them. Looking back on it now I don't really understand why he deserved that forgiveness. He never really begged for it like he should have. He threw away a friendship, a first love and it was too late when he figured out what he'd done. But now that I have realized he doesn't belong in this part of my life I need to say goodbye. I forgave myself for my actions but perhaps after clarity and realization how I could of been treated and should have been treated, it's time to say goodbye completely and forget his existence.

I am no longer bitter or sad to see this person leave my life; I'm indifferent. He doesn't deserve anything from me and he can pretend all he wants that I am important to him but this time I wont fall for it.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Soul Mate

Everyone believes that someone out there holds the key to their happiness. Most would consider this person as a boyfriend or a girl friend, husband or wife.. what have you. But my soul mate is something totally different. This is a love story, but not the kind you'd think.

They met when they were 5 years old, going on 6. She wore a mighty ducks hat backwards, baggy jeans and new kids on the block t-shirts, just your typical tom boy. You messed with her and she'd kick your ass. He was quiet, dressed "normal" and didn't dare try and stand up for himself. Complete opposites but became the best of friends. He saw something in her that no one else ever could, that only he could explain. Little did she know that he would become what she considered a soul mate.

He is her best friend. He has seen her go through everything, from her first of many heart breaks to when she finally learned to ride her bike without training wheels. There was no one that could compare or know her quite like him. She is very hard to handle and hold onto. The minute she feels like she isn't in control she will run and not look back. With him though she knows she's okay and will never be replaced. They hold a special place in each other's hearts and that is all the comfort in the world to her. She's complex, very unpredictable but he knows she's twisted and dark, he knows she acts on impulse and gets hurt more than she should but through it all he has loved her anyway.

He is her soul mate because he is her better half. They will never be more than best friends but that's why she can still believe in this concept of one person having that key. No one will be good enough for her just like no girl will ever be good enough for him. As they grow up they can still see the little kids in each other and to him she'll always be that little tom boy with her backwards mighty duck hat that he will always care for and protect.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Life as a Single Girl, But Not a Cynic

Oh my how things have drastically changed within a year in a half...

As some of you may know I am writing a memoir about my past and the title will be Cynical and Single. If you didn't know this before, well you do now. For majority of my life I was petrified {no exaggeration} of being alone. I always had a boyfriend and a guy on the side to catch me when the relationship wasn't working. I was insecure, an emotional wreck, and extremely dependent on others. One day, and I can remember it like it was yesterday I was suddenly alone. The break up was straight out of a movie scene. He lied, we fought, I ended it, he moved 2 hours away the next day. Just like that my world changed. I thought it was the end of all happiness and my utter existence. I only knew my 'half-self', the thought of my life without him was unbearable. fast forward through all the drinking, the rebounds, and the depression and you will find a completely different and new girl today. I ended my old blog 'Little Bits' because that was the old me. I started 'Always Choose Paris' to reflect on my new life, the one I would hold onto.

As my birthday is approaching {3 days!} I couldn't help but think back to a year ago and who I was. A miserable girl who hated everything, everyone, and herself. I pushed away the world and I didn't care. There is no other way to explain except I was grieving over a loss and didn't think I would move on from it. It took a long time and a lot of struggles and bumps but I woke up one day and I was okay. I stopped caring that I lost my other half and focused on the positive. I had the chance to create a new life and the other half to my whole self. I have said this before and I will say it again. As much as I loved him I am so happy we broke up. I needed to find myself, explore what else was out there, have an adventure. I slowly started to rid myself of pessimism and find comfort in optimism.

The happy and optimist me is the single girl. It is so liberating to be able to concentrate on myself. I finally have time and desire to do things that make me smile. I know who I am and I will always hold onto that. Although I have someone who makes me extremely happy, giving up my single life is just as freighting as being alone used to be. Irony at it's finest. I am no longer a cynic to love, but a dreamer in the possibilities.

Am I emotionally ready to give up my independence and free will? When do we decide that the life we worked so hard to get to is sacrificed in some aspects to be happy with another. Is it worth the risk of perhaps taking ten steps back?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

You Make Me Smile

She finally found what she thought was impossible to find. He came into her life unexpectedly. When they first met she had no idea how close they would become. It started off rocky but for some reason she saw through it. This reason was because some people are just meant to be in each others life. He lets her be herself, he doesn't care about her past, he makes her smile and for the first time in a long time it was a real smile. They are so much alike and so different at the same time; a perfect balance. They both knew how important it was to take time in this because it was something worth waiting for, something worth taking time for. Having a relationship used to be a distant thought to her, but now she catches herself every once in a while imagining what it'd be like to be close again to not just someone but him; and she smiles every time. He wasn't the easiest person to get close to at first but something changed in him, something that would bring them closer together. He let down a part of his wall and showed her that he did truly care about her and wants to be the guy she deserved. He has enough awareness of her past that he knows that although he makes her extremely happy, she is still damaged. But he wants to stick around and be there for her when she needs him. He has become a good feeling, she feels extremely lucky to have found him. For the first time ever she isn't going to run, she'll stand still and be grateful that she found and met someone special.

you make me a very happy girl

Have you met someone you can stand still with? Some one who makes you realize what you truly deserve. What are the little things they do to make you smile?

When we find this person do we hold on and hope for the best, or do we find ourselves dwelling on the 'what ifs'? Could this just be the honeymoon stage and we're just setting ourselves up for another break-up, another let down? What if it's too good to be true? Do we act on this insecurity and walk away?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

My Birthday Wish List

{Burberry Brit Quilted Coat, I have wanted this jacket forever and its only $398.00 so I'll be saving for a little while but I think it's worth it. Absolute classic and great quality.}
This entire outfit from 'freepeople'
The entire series of Sex and the City on DVD
{I'm am obsessed with the Mighty Ducks and NEED all three on dvd. VCR doesn't work anymore what a shame}
{Although I have somewhat 'outgrown' coach, I do adore this watch}
{Last but certainly not least, the Louis Vuitton bag I have been saving up for, I look at it as an investment. Isn't she beautiful and such a classic?}

As some can relate, I don't just have a birthday I have a birth month. The entire month of October is my birthday and everyone knows it. But this birthday is EXTRA special because I will finally be 21 years old. I have been so anxious for this birthday and I can't believe it is so close. Whats an important birthday without an important wish list?!

What's your wish list?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

If You Could Say One Thing To The World What Would You Say

If I could say one thing to the world I would say "dream big". Never give yourself a limit because with limits come disappointments. Dream what you want, be who you want.

What would you say to the world if you had a chance?

Monday, October 4, 2010

I Need More Than Glue and Tape

For the most part I like to believe I'm pretty put together. I have three jobs, I go to college {and pay for it every month myself} I have a nice car, amazing friends and family, and I am part of the newspaper and honor seminar. But one thing that I always do is run. I can be so interested in someone and the minute they even show the slightest bit of interest back I run. I tell myself I don't want it anymore, that I'm better off without another person. Why do I insist on running from anything good? It's pretty evident that he won't hurt me but still I insist on talking myself out of any guy that could make me happy in my life. I am aware I am doing this but every day I try and fight the thoughts and don't act on them. I truly don't know why I do this though. I fixed my life by patching it up with glue and tape. I am still at the point where I don't know what will make me fall apart again. These fixes were only temporary but for now they are getting me through the days. You'd think though that I learned not to run when I know it's a good thing...

Standing Still For a Minute

I feel like it's been forever since I got to sit down, enjoy a latte and write a post about relationships. I think it's because lately I haven't really cared much about them. I've been taking my life day by day. This is a HUGE change for me. I never used to worry/think about the present I was more bothered by the past and fretting about the future. Since I have been extremely busy I haven't even had time to think about anything except for that particular day. But out of no where something I thought would only happen in my wildest dreams came along. Some may know what I am talking about and others may have absolutely no idea. But this "thing" has taught me so much in the past few weeks. I have no other choice than to be confident in myself to accept the lifestyle of another. I need to accept the conditions and the things that may come along. For some reason this time I don't think about the other girls, I only think about myself and what matters to him.

I thought I knew what I was walking into the minute I walked into his place, but I honestly had no idea. This is a completely different thing for me and I am somewhat still in a little bit of shock. Im waiting to wake up from this dream, for someone to pinch me and tell me it isn't real...but it is and thats the crazy part. Walking into this though I didn't remember my number one rule, don't even bother if the chances of getting hurt are high. The night I stepped through that door way was the minute I let down every wall and guard I had up. I have officially put myself in the most vulnerable situation ever. I know the chances of getting hurt are 95% there but I still took that step. Do I regret it? No.. but I do get nervous sometimes. I keep reminding myself that I'm young and just having fun. I have no commitments and I wouldn't want it any other way. I don't plan on having a boyfriend any time soon, Im just not in that mind set anymore. I used to always have an answer for everything. People ask me "do you think you'll fall for him?" and for the first time I really have no idea. I just take it day by day because thats the only option. But I have to be confident in myself enough to realize there is a past there and I can't care about it. But what I do know about this is I deserve something great.

"I've been through the revolving doors. I feel like I've met somebody I can stand still with for a minute."