Thursday, October 14, 2010

Life as a Single Girl, But Not a Cynic

Oh my how things have drastically changed within a year in a half...

As some of you may know I am writing a memoir about my past and the title will be Cynical and Single. If you didn't know this before, well you do now. For majority of my life I was petrified {no exaggeration} of being alone. I always had a boyfriend and a guy on the side to catch me when the relationship wasn't working. I was insecure, an emotional wreck, and extremely dependent on others. One day, and I can remember it like it was yesterday I was suddenly alone. The break up was straight out of a movie scene. He lied, we fought, I ended it, he moved 2 hours away the next day. Just like that my world changed. I thought it was the end of all happiness and my utter existence. I only knew my 'half-self', the thought of my life without him was unbearable. fast forward through all the drinking, the rebounds, and the depression and you will find a completely different and new girl today. I ended my old blog 'Little Bits' because that was the old me. I started 'Always Choose Paris' to reflect on my new life, the one I would hold onto.

As my birthday is approaching {3 days!} I couldn't help but think back to a year ago and who I was. A miserable girl who hated everything, everyone, and herself. I pushed away the world and I didn't care. There is no other way to explain except I was grieving over a loss and didn't think I would move on from it. It took a long time and a lot of struggles and bumps but I woke up one day and I was okay. I stopped caring that I lost my other half and focused on the positive. I had the chance to create a new life and the other half to my whole self. I have said this before and I will say it again. As much as I loved him I am so happy we broke up. I needed to find myself, explore what else was out there, have an adventure. I slowly started to rid myself of pessimism and find comfort in optimism.

The happy and optimist me is the single girl. It is so liberating to be able to concentrate on myself. I finally have time and desire to do things that make me smile. I know who I am and I will always hold onto that. Although I have someone who makes me extremely happy, giving up my single life is just as freighting as being alone used to be. Irony at it's finest. I am no longer a cynic to love, but a dreamer in the possibilities.

Am I emotionally ready to give up my independence and free will? When do we decide that the life we worked so hard to get to is sacrificed in some aspects to be happy with another. Is it worth the risk of perhaps taking ten steps back?


Diana Mieczan said...

You write beautifully. I believe that if someone is not making you happy then there is no point being with him...I love what you said about being a dreamer:)
Kisses and hugs

Ps: I hope you had a chance to enter my Giveaway!

Sarah said...

Lots of luck and love in your single gal journey!! xo