Friday, September 10, 2010

Letting Go

Letting go... It was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Let go of the life I once knew, let go of the memories, let go of my love for him. For so long he was my entire world and I made it that way. Everything I did, he was involved in some shape or form. He on the other hand got lucky. He went back to a place where only a few things reminded him of me, but there was plenty of space and people to make an entire new life for himself without a thought of me in it. I'm still stuck in the town we grew up in, our houses are only 7 minutes away from each other and my name is still attached to his. For a while I resented everything and wanted to escape and I thought moving to another state was the only solution. Well I am too afraid to be without my family so I never followed through with that. I stayed in the same town, dealt with his existence and the struggles of moving on from my first love. Its been over a year now and I can finally say that I have moved on. This happened a few months ago but I needed to see if how I felt still exists when we would hang out and when he left for school, and it has. Letting go of what was, truly is a therapy all on it's own. I accepted what he will always be to me, that yes he is and will always be that sensitive subject and someone I will always defend no matter what he has done and that we are over; for good. I don't mind that we are over... I never really did because I found out who I was without him and I liked that self a lot better. I saw what else was out there, stupidly fell in love again with a different person and consequently got my heart broken. Swore off all guys in a "serious" light and just did my thing for a while. But now I realize that was all a journey to where I am now. I may love being single, but in the scheme of things, that's not me. I am a hopeless romantic. I memorize 'those' love songs and weep over romantic movies and books. At the same time though, my heart is so damaged that I refuse to let anyone, doesn't matter who you are, no one can get too close where I can be hurt. Now Im not saying that everyone will hurt me, but at first my guard remains up.
Moving on is good for the heart, for the mind and for the soul. You can't be happy or see your highest potentials until you let go. No one can change it or fix it. I let go, he is a happy person and he has potentially found someone who makes him smile. It's a very hard thing, to see someone you once made happy, happy with another person. For so long you were the only one for him and now that has changed. He isn't the type to just give any girl a title. You need to be something extraordinary to him, and I know that when he finds that someone, she will be. But as they say 'love is never fair'. I can't be upset that he has found happiness when Im on this desperate search to find something too. So I let go and hoped for the best.

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