Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Letter Number Two

This letter is to the boy who made me fall in love with him with no intentions of ever falling back,

When I met you I had no intentions of even knowing you. Then you asked me out to dinner and I was taken back. What I knew of you was that taking a girl on a date was not normal so I was somewhat intrigued by this. We went on our first date and I had so much fun. We never stopped talking and I can still remember every detail. We began to hang out regularly and eventually one thing led to another. I was attracted to the opportunities I had with you because you were older and had your own place. Whenever something went wrong with my boyfriend at the time and we'd break up I'd go straight for you. You were my escape from everything. You definitely were my growing up turning point. You took me to my first bar, showed me what boston night life really was, and reminded me that I lost my innocence. Slowly but surely I was falling for you. I always saw the better in you, that even yourself couldn't see. I have never been able to explain my feelings really because I never was comfortable with them. You had a wall up that no one could break down. I thought that I was slowly taking one brick out at a time but to my surprise I think I was just adding more stone and cement to the wall. I understood you and I still understand you to this day. I took time and made extreme efforts to be your friend and listen to you talk about your past present and future. The time and dedication I gave you has never been matched, I think you took up all my energy in the end. Our "relationship" started to progress and we were with each other a lot more than usual. The day I fell in love with you I can still remember. We were taking a walk on the beach and you told me your entire life story and told me you consider me a best friend. I loved that you were always there when I needed you and how protective you were about me. Whether you choose to admit it or not I know you did care about me because you were never one to put much effort into anything and little do others know how close we really were. When we had to go through one of the hardest things I didn't expect you to be there for me, but you were by my side until I assured you I was okay. I never had to work at someone letting me in and showing me feelings but with you I had to and that taught me a lot. You said something that always has stayed in my mind... " I've never left but you always keep running away and then back to me when things don't go the way you planned...so remember I never left you." I didn't realize I was doing that nor did I think you noticed. Thats when I really thought I broke down some of your wall. We never made it to a title and thats because in the end you didn't want me. Everyone saw how I looked at you and the way I felt about you but still that had no effect on you what so ever. You did whatever with who ever and never thought of me once, never considered how hurt I would be. When I said I love you to your face in the car that night with tears pouring down my face I meant it. It was the scariest thing to say that to a person I knew deep down wouldn't even feel an ounce of that for me. But you played your cards right and I fell head over heels in love with you. I always hoped I would be different for you, how crazy is that? You used to tell me I'd be a star one day, I even kept that text saved to this day just incase I want another reminder that I can accomplish my big dream. But now you laugh at my accomplishments and dreams, you say how you can't take anything I do seriously. Maybe thats your insecurity talking because you have seen how as hard as it was and has been, I still cut you off and haven't tried running back. You did bring back every insecurity I had and I was petrified at the fact of ever giving my heart to another person again. How we ended wasn't on the best note but it had to happen. I'm sorry you thought I only told you what I thought you wanted to hear but everything I said to you was the truth and genuine. I don't regret the lessons I learned from you but I do regret falling in love with you because in the end it was only thrown right back in my face. You did the one thing you knew would hurt me and you admitted to it too. Will I ever know how you felt about me? Probably not. But I do know that you cant be with someone for 2 years and not feel anything for them, you especially just wouldn't have stuck around. So take care of yourself and know that I truly tried everything I could but somehow it just wasn't enough for you.

1 comment:

April said...

Wow... I read your three letters. And it reminds me of some relationships that I have been in. Thanks for sharing. I believe I will become a follower! Can't wait to see what's next, love! :)