Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Letter Number One

This letter is to a boy who in my mind died almost 3 years ago,

It's crazy to think I haven't seen you in years or even heard your voice. I used to remember what you look like but if I passed by you I wouldn't be able to recognize you. I never believed it was possible to convince oneself that someone no longer exists, only allowing a few memories remain in your mind. The memories I have aren't pleasant ones. We started out as a great relationship, so I thought but I should have read the first warning sign when you put your hands on me in front of an entire crowd. That was red flag number one but we seemed to work through that. You always had a way with your words, I had no idea that it would turn into manipulation and in the end I would become a basket case. Everything you said, I believed. I truly thought you were the greatest thing to walk this earth and I was the luckiest girl to have you-- oh god was I wrong. We went through one of the most difficult things and for some parts of it I could say you were there by my side, but then I think back and I remember your pre-insane antics, so I take back that you were by my side. Ultimately that put a huge strain on our relationship and I began to pull away from you. You went off to college and I was still starting my senior year. It was never easy to visit you so you would always come home on weekends. Little did I know that the one girl I had a funny feeling about would be one of the many girls you cheated on me with. I would jokingly say imagine if I just showed up at your dorm in the morning, surprised you and a girl was sleeping in your bed. Well joke was on me because the one morning I go to surprise you after a month of not seeing each other and oh to my surprise you weren't sleeping next to a girl, you were having full on sex with her. Shutting that door and walking to my car I felt numb, I had no emotion and I didn't even cry. I opened my door sat in my car started the engine and drove for 3 hours home with not one single tear coming down my face. This was red flag number two. But of course I stuck around because you immediately fought for me back. We just kept hitting bump after bump after that and eventually I called it quits after numerous visits to see my ex boyfriend at his college. You do see what has happened here right? We dated for a year in a half and I cannot remember one happy or good thing. You claimed me as the cheater when in fact that was you. I was deceived by your twisted mind and beaten by your uncontrollable fists. After dating you I became paranoid and scared of everything, except my first boyfriend.. he was the only one I would let get close. I remember the last time I will ever see you though. I had just started my internship and we made plans to grab lunch at Panera. It was our closure because after that I never had much desire to ever hear your name or see you again. We didn't really talk much and I just couldn't get over how different you had already looked in only 3 months. You congratulated me on my graduation and acceptance to college. Before I knew it 1:30 rolled around and I had to be back at my cubical. You walked me to my car, hugged me and said please don't be a stranger and walked away. I immediately called my boyfriend at the time and assured him I was okay,not harmed and relieved it was finally over. When I got home I packed all your things in a box and left it at your door step and that would be the last time I would ever have to think of you, or so I thought. flash forwarding to around this same time actually 2 years ago and I received a text from you saying you were sorry for everything you put me through. We did talk for a little while but I knew you'd do a 180, become a vicious person again and tear my life apart with words. That was the last of it, I knew I didn't deserve what you were doing to me. I was never the same after you came into my life and it took years for me to forget you entirely. You fell into drugs and I don't think I'll ever see you come out of it. You deserve all the horrible things this world will give you and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You took a piece of me that never belonged to you in the first place and I'll never get back. In my mind you died the minute you said "don't be a stranger."

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