The 'Word'

When I was little I believed that princes were real and one day I would meet mine. When I got into high school I gave that piece of fairytale innocence and my love away. I wish someone would have warned me what I was doing the minute I dropped "I love you" and actually meant it. There should really be this contract that you need to read, not just scan through it...no actually read the entire thing cover to cover and recite the fine print just to make sure you fully understand, and when you do then you can sign and date it and THEN say those powerful words. But I was 14 when I realized I felt those feelings and 15 when I said them. I lucked out though because some people don't get the chance to be each others first loves, but I was his too. Had I known what I was getting myself into I probably would have waited a little bit longer to say them. Without a doubt what I felt was real and I didn't just throw it out there. I took precaution and chose the person wisely. But I was 15 so I thought those words were basic magic that kept people together forever. I wasn't ready to have him take them back... well not exactly take the words and feelings back because I know he still loves me, he tells me all the time... but to lose the person that went along with the word I suppose. That was the part I wasn't ready for and Im 21 now and I'm still not ready for the heart ache. He was my best friend and the only thing I knew for so long, so losing him was a form of torture. It ultimately was because those words scared him and love turned into jealousy and petty fights which has made it almost impossible to fix.

When you give your love away you are changed forever. You are never quite the same you were when you didn't allow those feelings. You put yourself out there, you let a giant wall down hoping to god it doesn't fall straight on you. Your first love never really leaves you... they linger and from time to time you miss them. Let them linger and let yourself miss them, its all part of a process. Eventually it wont be as constant and you'll find a new love that takes you to a whole different place. People dwell on their first loves because we think they are so much different and can never be replaced. Well in a way that is true they are different because they came into your life, allowed you to let down a wall and feel something that makes the world go round, something you had never felt before. Reality is that no one can be replaced, but that doesn't make them this monumental person. I mean my dog cant be replaced by another dog because no two things are the same. (no pun intended to compare a male to a dog) What I am trying to say is that once you give it away you can never go back. Indian giving does not apply to love, you cannot ask for it back. You accept that you gave a little piece of yourself to another individual and it is up to them what they do with it. And don't worry if you give it away and you two don't last forever, theres still so much more you have of yourself to keep and to give.

For a while I was a cynic to love. I had my heart broken, beat up, tossed around; what have you. I only did that because I was in my vulnerable stage, I wasn't as cautious anymore as to whom exactly I was giving it to. Some deserved my love, some did not and the same goes vice versa... I deserved some peoples love and for others I should have been the last person they gave their heart to. But you take it all with compassion and realize one day when you least expect it you'll find that person that deserves your love with every intention of giving it to you in return, and you my friend will never be the same...again.

When I found out that my boyfriend had never had a first love, or told any girl he loved her I was in shock. He has had previous relationships that have lasted quite some time so I figure he knew what I was talking about when I would talk about first loves. Well come to find out he has kept his love and doesn't just throw it around. (that didn't surprise me though because he is very guarded when it comes to girls) I told him he picked the complete opposite to be in a relationship with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, believe in fairytale beginnings and endings, cry at love songs,movies, and stories. I constantly am writing about all kinds of love and he's never had that feeling before?! Ironic to say the least. But there was one thing I swore up and down did not exist, it was utterly impossible-- love at first sight. How could it be possible to not know someone and already have such enormous feelings for them? Well July 17th 2010 that belief of impossible ceased completely. I met my boyfriend and knew the minute I saw him and sat down next to him that he was the one. If I could explain it you know I would but I couldn't then and I can't now. All I know is I didn't know him or his story previously to meeting him. I fell for him entirely on my own with no one else's input. But to know he has found the girl he wants to give his love to for the first time, and that girls me, well I feel pretty special. I guess I finally get to know what forever feels like... so here's my signature 'love', please take care of the two of us. When you know, you just know.

x Danielle Meuse