Letter Number Three

This letter is for my first love and my first everything, you are the biggest part of my life... so far.

I met you when I was a very little girl. I think it was love at first sight for me but I was honestly way too young to even comprehend such a monumental concept. You are the person that every girl wants and fears at the same time. I wanted that special first love and I wanted it to be shared. I got what I wanted, we were each others first loves and for a very long time each others only loves. I feared you because there was a possibility I could lose you. We were each others first everything and that alone held a bond for us years down the road. You were my first real boyfriend and not until I was much older did I realize what that would entail exactly. Our first few years were just simple innocents, but we were madly in love with each other. A sudden break up happened your senior year of high school and needless to say I was a little more than heart broken. I did not react in the way I had hoped but I rebelled and became vengeful. For so long you were pushing me away, my existence, my love, our friendship. For a short time we became strangers. Seeing you in the halls was your basic breakup torture and when you'd purposely walk by my locker after last period everyday and shut my locker on me while I was getting my things, I didn't find it flirtatious or cute. I found out you weren't going to Villanova and chose the one school I was hoping you wouldn't go to. I knew at that time we were nothing and I thought we were over for good but like always you swooped in at the right time and stole my heart again. I got to have you in my life for all the important things.. my birthdays, my graduation and my prom. Did I wish more than anything I was there for all of yours too; of course. Us getting back together was probably one of the biggest things to talk about in our town, but you and I couldn't have been more happier. If it's too good to be true then it probably is. You immediately pulled us back to why we broke up in the first place and my happiness and comfort was ripped from me. It was fight after fight for a while and you had to prove yourself. That was where the ring came in, my forever ring. We were sitting outside your house, you had two bouquets of flowers and a tiffany's ring box. You pretty much proposed to me at this point but I wasn't the slightest bit scared or freaked out because you were the only love I knew and I truly thought we were going to get married. I put that ring on with every hope and expectation that this was it, we finally found our way back to each other and nothing was getting in the way this time. Well I was wrong, jealousy and paranoia got in our way, which led to actual people getting in the way. Neither one of us was innocent in this matter and if I could change it or take all the things I did wrong back, I would in a heart beat. We were so happy and so good when we were with each other but the minute we had distance it was a whole different relationship. You began to start taking me and my care for granted, becoming all too comfortable with me sticking around all the time. But I will say that when we were good, I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back on old pictures my smile was just entirely different. I know Im still getting over everything that happened because you were my best friend and my other half for a very long time. But you did take my heart and a huge part of me. I have my heart back but I still am looking for those pieces. We have tried the closure thing way too many times and every time we just came up with the " I'll see you again some day". Too much has happened in between now that the whole " we'll never be over thing" has kind of lost its meaning. You have let go completely and I'm almost on my way there, Im just still holding onto the friendship we had. Saying good bye to you before you left for school this year was extremely hard and I knew deep down it would probably be the last time I see you and be friends. Now I know if I see you it isn't because we wanted it. But you showed me more than you'll ever know and there are days where I wish I could erase you and then other days I wish we could be the old us who were best friends. Erasing you though would mean my life would be completely different and with how my life is right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess being in your life was much harder than not being in your life... ignorance is bliss and first loves can really take a hold on you.