Thursday, March 17, 2011

" I love her"

' I thought you should know this, I've been seeing someone for about a month now'
' I love her, Im not sure about the whole in love thing, but I care about her...deeply'

Did he just say what I thought he just said? No there's no way I just read that correctly...let me read that again... 'I love her'. This cannot be right, this is not happening right now.

I always had the one up on one thing, he never had a girlfriend or felt for another girl like he did me. I may have been in complete denial when I told myself he will never ever have a girlfriend again. He wasn't the type to care about being lonely, he had a way to have girls fill the void but never let it get past his typical using. I needed my void to be filled and I for one was never lonely, he was actually used to me finding other guys to replace him so when he would find out I had a boyfriend he somewhat laughed it off. " oh that will end in a few months, she'll get bored and come right back to me again"

To my dismay, the book filled with seven years of our on again off again romance was at a close. I have felt heart break before with him, but nothing quite like this. He wasn't ever supposed to move on, he was never supposed to call a girl his girlfriend. I didn't care how selfish or naive that was, he was supposed to stay right where he was before. This was unlike any other feeling I had before, my body started to become numb, my fingers and arms they started to cramp up, I couldn't feel my body, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't get one word out to even convince myself that I wasn't dying right then and there. Two years ago wasn't our was happening right now. The minute I could even get my body to function and respond I come out with... " Im engaged." {am I neurotic? I am 21 years old Im not engaged, I've barely graduated college.. he is never going to believe this} 'Wow thats great Danielle, I mean Im in shock, I hope its what you want and it doesn't take away from your dreams, but you always wanted to get married so I guess you are happy'...{he seriously bought that?} Im not sure what felt worse, the fact that all I could come back with was a fake engagement announcement or the fact that my life of almost 10 years is at a complete stop. It was more than just a second break up with a boy I have known my entire life, it was a breakup from my safety, from the one thing I knew certain of when I knew of nothing else. I wish I had a heads up, some sort of signal... but I was completely taken off guard and left with a bottle of jack daniels and tissues.

So I was left again, to fend for myself and process this information I was given alone because no one else understands how I can even care about this. But what they don't know is him. He swore he would never love again or care about a girl and trust me he meant it. This was it though, the ending I never wanted to see. I knew that the break up two years ago wasn't the last of it, but even that didn't prepare me for the last and final words we would ever speak. No one could say or do anything to prepare me for this. The only one who could say or do anything to not make me feel like I just lost pretty much all of me was him, and he was out there loving someone else now.

actual photo

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