Thursday, March 10, 2011

Fear Of Writing

It has been months and months since she last wrote. People would ask her what happened, why has she "given up". For the first time in her life, she stopped having the right words for everything, she stopped having the intense emotions like she used to. Consumed with negative thoughts and defeat she lied awake in bed night after night wondering if she had been lying to herself her entire life. Was her purpose in life something else? Could she possibly not be a writer? She began to believe this because her biggest fan, the one person who read every piece of her writing, who knew all of her dreams was now becoming her second biggest critic. He became selfish in her writing, if it wasn't about him and it was about something else, some other man then in his eyes and many other people's eyes it meant she didn't love him or she had not let go of her past. Trying to find the words to explain why that was never the case became exhausting and overwhelming. So the only solution that came to mind, something that would be simple quick and easy was to just stop all together and blame it on a writers block... but that wasn't the circumstance.

She developed a fear of writing. She was afraid that everything else in her life would have to take a back seat if she continued to write. Her boyfriend would think she didn't love him like she said, that her school work and work would suffer, that her friends would think she was selling them out about their personal lives, that she would ultimately take away any personal life she or anyone in her life had.

"If I write about this or that, then people will take it the wrong way and I am so afraid of criticism from those I care about the most.. I need them more than I need my writing"

She was slowly losing herself, the self that no one knew about except her. Writing was all she had and for a long time all she needed to get by, to face another day. That was being taken away and she didn't have the strength to hold on. One day she woke up and she decided to let those people get upset, let them try to read between the lines, they will probably fail at it anyway. No one is going to get hurt in her writing because for the most part those things had already happened and she is still there to write about it and the others are there to read it. She did not give up on writing and she would like to thank those who kept asking the questions of what happened. Fear of writing happened but that is just a part of her journey, she was her own biggest critic after all.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

So happy you're still writing xo