Fear Of Writing

It has been months and months since she last wrote. People would ask her what happened, why has she "given up". For the first time in her life, she stopped having the right words for everything, she stopped having the intense emotions like she used to. Consumed with negative thoughts and defeat she lied awake in bed night after night wondering if she had been lying to herself her entire life. Was her purpose in life something else? Could she possibly not be a writer? She began to believe this because her biggest fan, the one person who read every piece of her writing, who knew all of her dreams was now becoming her second biggest critic. He became selfish in her writing, if it wasn't about him and it was about something else, some other man then in his eyes and many other people's eyes it meant she didn't love him or she had not let go of her past. Trying to find the words to explain why that was never the case became exhausting and overwhelming. So the only solution that came to mind, something that would be simple quick and easy was to just stop all together and blame it on a writers block... but that wasn't the circumstance.

She developed a fear of writing. She was afraid that everything else in her life would have to take a back seat if she continued to write. Her boyfriend would think she didn't love him like she said, that her school work and work would suffer, that her friends would think she was selling them out about their personal lives, that she would ultimately take away any personal life she or anyone in her life had.

"If I write about this or that, then people will take it the wrong way and I am so afraid of criticism from those I care about the most.. I need them more than I need my writing"

She was slowly losing herself, the self that no one knew about except her. Writing was all she had and for a long time all she needed to get by, to face another day. That was being taken away and she didn't have the strength to hold on. One day she woke up and she decided to let those people get upset, let them try to read between the lines, they will probably fail at it anyway. No one is going to get hurt in her writing because for the most part those things had already happened and she is still there to write about it and the others are there to read it. She did not give up on writing and she would like to thank those who kept asking the questions of what happened. Fear of writing happened but that is just a part of her journey, she was her own biggest critic after all.

What do you want

A private call comes in and I think nothing of it. I pick up and I hear the one voice I didn't want to hear. My body goes into complete shock and all those insecurities and memories come flooding in. Why did he have to call? There is nothing left to say and he's only taking me back to a place where I fought so hard to get out of. It's not fair, why does he continue to do this? I didn't have anything to say, the only thing I could think to do was hang up. I meant what I said when I said I moved on. He chose this, he wanted this now you can live with this.

Permanent... Or So You Thought

So foolish me at age 19 thought that I was going to stay with him forever, forever enough to get a tattoo for him. I wasn't so idiotic that I got his name, but I got a quote with the heart shape of the ring he got me the day he promised forever. Its been two years since we broke up and well I have officially got rid of all his clothes ( I wont say what I did with them, but it was clever and amusing to say the least) and anything that could potentially bring up any thought of him... except this god damn tattoo. I have been searching for the perfect thing to get this "nasty" thing covered up. One artist I have been fascinated with for years and years now is Banksy. He is a British artist that would graffiti only at night, no one knew who this man was. He would sketch political commentary that would leave anyone and everyone speechless. He didn't do this for the fame or for money, he was just a simple man who had a talent of art and an outspoken opinion on the world. When I really sat and thought about what I wanted to have become permanent on my wrist I knew it had to be perfect and from this man because that was it after that. I will get something for me and no one else this time. I cannot decide yet so I decided to post the ones I have considered. Let me know what you think.


PS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a tattoo for anyone else except yourself, it makes me sick every time I look down at my wrist. All these thoughts of pain, confusion, loss of faith are all trapped in my mind and once this disappears I will finally get out. 

So You Put It Down On Paper

She swore to herself that one day she would make a difference, that she would help someone see through their own eyes what she saw. He came into her life at the most unpredictable time but it was never desultory. She gave him faith and hope that what he was looking at when he saw her blue eyes was true love, lasting love, something for the first time he could not quite explain. He had a wall that everyone quickly determined was infrangible, but against all odds that did not phase her. She broke through the unbreakable, she didn't get bits and pieces of him, he gave her everything. He remained cautious when he gave her his care, but he had finally let someone in. They learned through each other.. one of the things he would take from this relationship was the impact of writing. He would write to her, never had he put a pen to paper for love before. She read his letter with amazement, he was just as gifted as he claimed her to be. Her dream was to fall in love and in return give him the love he had been searching for and deserved. But what she was more content with was that she had passed on her love for writing to the person she loved the most and he found a new side to himself. The difference was made and they became closer and closer through words. No one was getting in between this love, and nothing would be too strong to end it. It was a moment when words and actions became concerted, it was when she realized she had fell in love for the first time and he finally had someone to share his everything with.

she used to lie awake at night, tormented as she worked on her book, asking herself, “Who do you think you are, trying to write a first novel at your age?” But she wrote it. And she held up her National Book Award

It'll Speak For Itself

Her dreams were so enormous, but could they perhaps be out of reach? She began to fall into this lapse that  these big dreams she made would remain that way; a reverie. It was admired that she had all these ambitions but were they realistic? Could they happen despite her life circumstances? She had been in this standstill for years now, and every time her hands were right there, able to reach out she would fall once again. There was one person though that forever impacted her life... it wasn't some renowned writer, some man who swept her off her feet, or the greatest friend in the world. The person that impacted her most was 4'3, tiny glasses, wavy brown hair, the cutest little smile that could light up anyones world. Her name is Mackenzie Rose and she changed my life forever. I met her when she was in first grade and she stole my heart forever. The smallest things made her happy and there was never once a complaint from her little mouth. But the thing that I held onto most about her was that she was my biggest fan. I was her everyday hero and she would call me everyday to tell me about her day and could not wait to hear about mine. She loved reading and writing and told me that one day she would be a journalist just like me. The way she compiled a story matched her personality; simply remarkable. 


-- As I had last posted, I had the case of writers block. I have endured this inability to perform before, but nothing quite like this. Then I stumbled upon something that gave me my integrity and passion back. As I finished reading this little letter I began to remember I can do this, my writing will be published one day, I will make it to the highest point in my career and I will change lives.


"Danielle,
you know you can do anything so do anything you want to. you are the best girl in the whole world! you are the best, you are the best, you are the best! thank you for everything you do for me.
Love Mackenzie"

just four short sentences but they changed my day and the way I have been thinking for the past few months. I have a little girl who thinks the world of me. To her I am capable of anything and everything. I need to make these dreams come true not only for myself but for Mackenzie too, she has had enough let downs in her life and I refuse to be another.

I have a case of the writers block...


But I did go buy Elizabeth Gilberts new book 'Committed'. And I am working on the ending of my "book". So I guess Im not a complete loss.


"Her enormous capacity for love has all too often been left unmatched and unreturned by the world."