Im Busy Getting Stronger

Believe it or not I felt for you stronger than the one of seven years... but that was almost a year ago and now Im busy... Im busy getting stronger, Im busy making my dreams come true, Im busy deciding what I want out of this life, Im busy writing, creating new friendships, and finding adventure, Im too busy falling in love with the man that deserved it in the first place. When I saw your number come up on my phone I was hesitant to answer because I was afraid of what the sound of your voice could do to the life I created without you. I had wanted you a part of my life and my dreams for so long, even after you made it clear my ambition and goals were a simple joke in your mind. You pretended it was just a simple hello, a "I had a dream about you so I figured I would call and see what you're doing". I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him that he has ruined me enough and to just leave me alone. { but in the end you only ruined yourself } In an instant I was ready for a nervous break down, all because of a boy. What does he want me to say? He moved on from the convoluted relationship we built for two years. "come over" he says. "Im sorry but I cannot do that" I said "But I want to show you my new place, I want to show you everything I've done" he pleads.

Where was he when I wanted to show him everything that I had done, where was he when I was breaking down and feeling the stinging pain of losing a one way street love. I was sitting night after night missing him, wondering what he's doing if he was thinking of me, wondering too if we could have worked it out. But that was before I met the man of my dreams.

"Im busy I have to go" I say. But what he doesn't know nor does he deserve to know is Im getting by perfectly without him. All my dreams were not giggles at anyone expense. I am better off without him and he's the one now calling at his weak moments; not me. I am building up my career, moving to an amazing place and making myself a little more stronger, Im not crying over lost loves or friendships, going to an amazing college where I need to be. I know who I am, all he knows is drinking and breaking any girls heart that comes in contact with him. Im busy, you're an absolute last thought in my days. I don't cry about you anymore, I don't wish or hope we could have worked it out as friends or a relationship. Im a better person because you are no longer in my life.



He will never change and my heart will never be the same because of him, but now I know thats not a bad thing. Ill be okay because on my weakest day I have my other half, my best friend, my future husband who smiles at my dreams, at my progress, he doesn't drag my heart around like you did.

Im busy getting stronger.

Permanent... Or So You Thought

So foolish me at age 19 thought that I was going to stay with him forever, forever enough to get a tattoo for him. I wasn't so idiotic that I got his name, but I got a quote with the heart shape of the ring he got me the day he promised forever. Its been two years since we broke up and well I have officially got rid of all his clothes ( I wont say what I did with them, but it was clever and amusing to say the least) and anything that could potentially bring up any thought of him... except this god damn tattoo. I have been searching for the perfect thing to get this "nasty" thing covered up. One artist I have been fascinated with for years and years now is Banksy. He is a British artist that would graffiti only at night, no one knew who this man was. He would sketch political commentary that would leave anyone and everyone speechless. He didn't do this for the fame or for money, he was just a simple man who had a talent of art and an outspoken opinion on the world. When I really sat and thought about what I wanted to have become permanent on my wrist I knew it had to be perfect and from this man because that was it after that. I will get something for me and no one else this time. I cannot decide yet so I decided to post the ones I have considered. Let me know what you think.


PS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a tattoo for anyone else except yourself, it makes me sick every time I look down at my wrist. All these thoughts of pain, confusion, loss of faith are all trapped in my mind and once this disappears I will finally get out. 

Im Sorry

I decided today I really hate those two words, " I'm Sorry". I have been hearing it way too often and from the same people. Perhaps Im being a raging cynic but why do people continue to do things that ultimately they need to apologize for. When do we as the person they are hurting decide that enoughs enough and the sorry's have lost their meaning. I used to have so much light in my life and innocence, now Im consumed with paranoia and a cold heart. I am waiting for those people who keep saying sorry to make a move that will in the end ruin me forever. One person in particular I have given up on... I think I have been hearing sorry from him since he has been in my life. Suddenly I came to the realization that he doesn't mean it. He isn't sorry for destroying my life, my dreams, my innocence because he walked away clean and free of a girl who once loved him (trust me I don't love you anymore) and then theres the sorry that I've been hearing since this summer. Its little things here and there but at the end of the day Im too damaged to take even the slightest bit of hurt. I thought he understood that part of me, but I was severely mistaken. I just keep giving all these people chance after chance just to be let down, just to hear "Im sorry" and I genuinely don't believe people anymore. Every time I hear those familiar and trivial words they continue to lose their meaning. 'The question, how does a girl who jumps into a rabbit hole plumenting into chaos come out unchanged.. the answer- she doesn't. She lost all sense of sincerity and honesty because she was lied to, too many times. So for now the emptiness she is feeling appears much more safe than putting herself out there. Because perhaps if she continues to reach out to people that are only going to say sorry to her she will become just like her outlook on faith...nothing.

The 'Word'

When I was little I believed that princes were real and one day I would meet mine. When I got into high school I gave that piece of fairytale innocence and my love away. I wish someone would have warned me what I was doing the minute I dropped "I love you" and actually meant it. There should really be this contract that you need to read, not just scan through it...no actually read the entire thing cover to cover and recite the fine print just to make sure you fully understand, and when you do then you can sign and date it and THEN say those powerful words. But I was 14 when I realized I felt those feelings and 15 when I said them. I lucked out though because some people don't get the chance to be each others first loves, but I was his too. Had I known what I was getting myself into I probably would have waited a little bit longer to say them. Without a doubt what I felt was real and I didn't just throw it out there. I took precaution and chose the person wisely. But I was 15 so I thought those words were basic magic that kept people together forever. I wasn't ready to have him take them back... well not exactly take the words and feelings back because I know he still loves me, he tells me all the time... but to lose the person that went along with the word I suppose. That was the part I wasn't ready for and Im 21 now and I'm still not ready for the heart ache. He was my best friend and the only thing I knew for so long, so losing him was a form of torture. It ultimately was because those words scared him and love turned into jealousy and petty fights which has made it almost impossible to fix.

When you give your love away you are changed forever. You are never quite the same you were when you didn't allow those feelings. You put yourself out there, you let a giant wall down hoping to god it doesn't fall straight on you. Your first love never really leaves you... they linger and from time to time you miss them. Let them linger and let yourself miss them, its all part of a process. Eventually it wont be as constant and you'll find a new love that takes you to a whole different place. People dwell on their first loves because we think they are so much different and can never be replaced. Well in a way that is true they are different because they came into your life, allowed you to let down a wall and feel something that makes the world go round, something you had never felt before. Reality is that no one can be replaced, but that doesn't make them this monumental person. I mean my dog cant be replaced by another dog because no two things are the same. (no pun intended to compare a male to a dog) What I am trying to say is that once you give it away you can never go back. Indian giving does not apply to love, you cannot ask for it back. You accept that you gave a little piece of yourself to another individual and it is up to them what they do with it. And don't worry if you give it away and you two don't last forever, theres still so much more you have of yourself to keep and to give.

For a while I was a cynic to love. I had my heart broken, beat up, tossed around; what have you. I only did that because I was in my vulnerable stage, I wasn't as cautious anymore as to whom exactly I was giving it to. Some deserved my love, some did not and the same goes vice versa... I deserved some peoples love and for others I should have been the last person they gave their heart to. But you take it all with compassion and realize one day when you least expect it you'll find that person that deserves your love with every intention of giving it to you in return, and you my friend will never be the same...again.

When I found out that my boyfriend had never had a first love, or told any girl he loved her I was in shock. He has had previous relationships that have lasted quite some time so I figure he knew what I was talking about when I would talk about first loves. Well come to find out he has kept his love and doesn't just throw it around. (that didn't surprise me though because he is very guarded when it comes to girls) I told him he picked the complete opposite to be in a relationship with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, believe in fairytale beginnings and endings, cry at love songs,movies, and stories. I constantly am writing about all kinds of love and he's never had that feeling before?! Ironic to say the least. But there was one thing I swore up and down did not exist, it was utterly impossible-- love at first sight. How could it be possible to not know someone and already have such enormous feelings for them? Well July 17th 2010 that belief of impossible ceased completely. I met my boyfriend and knew the minute I saw him and sat down next to him that he was the one. If I could explain it you know I would but I couldn't then and I can't now. All I know is I didn't know him or his story previously to meeting him. I fell for him entirely on my own with no one else's input. But to know he has found the girl he wants to give his love to for the first time, and that girls me, well I feel pretty special. I guess I finally get to know what forever feels like... so here's my signature 'love', please take care of the two of us. When you know, you just know.

x Danielle Meuse

The Presents Just a Pleasant Interruption to the Past

I guess it was one thing to write that last letter and then to actually see him. The whole idea that everything was horrible and I HAD to say good bye was becoming a puerile idea. I know him like the back of my hand, I know when he's up and I know when he's down. It was more than obvious that where he was in life was not where he belonged. From day one he has always had two people that have been his number 1 fans, his mother and myself. I have the greatest hopes and expectations for him that I know myself he can accomplish. I keep an eye on him from a distance now, making sure that it doesn't spin too out of control. There are just some people in this world we cannot allow to hit rock bottom and I guess he is that person for me. Little did I know that I'm that person for him too. He keeps his distance because he sees how far I've come without him but he's prepared to catch me if I ever fall. It was so bizarre to know we always just pick up where we left off before it was broken. It was as if the break up just didn't occur and neither did the intense relationship. I imagine it as if we are still sitting by the pond in that town and we are talking about what we want to do with our lives. How we want so much out of life, move to california or new york and make something out of ourselves. Last night...all I can call it was an outer body experience. The entire time we were talking I was picturing us at that pond and then in that meadow we found by the side of the road. Maybe thats where we belonged now... in this pipe dream of the past's most significant moments, where it was only happiness and ambition, a place where dying in his arms seemed a little too comforting. 




"and if this is what it takes i'll lie in my mistakes and live with what I did to you and all the hell I put you through" 

Letter Number Three

This letter is for my first love and my first everything, you are the biggest part of my life... so far.

I met you when I was a very little girl. I think it was love at first sight for me but I was honestly way too young to even comprehend such a monumental concept. You are the person that every girl wants and fears at the same time. I wanted that special first love and I wanted it to be shared. I got what I wanted, we were each others first loves and for a very long time each others only loves. I feared you because there was a possibility I could lose you. We were each others first everything and that alone held a bond for us years down the road. You were my first real boyfriend and not until I was much older did I realize what that would entail exactly. Our first few years were just simple innocents, but we were madly in love with each other. A sudden break up happened your senior year of high school and needless to say I was a little more than heart broken. I did not react in the way I had hoped but I rebelled and became vengeful. For so long you were pushing me away, my existence, my love, our friendship. For a short time we became strangers. Seeing you in the halls was your basic breakup torture and when you'd purposely walk by my locker after last period everyday and shut my locker on me while I was getting my things, I didn't find it flirtatious or cute. I found out you weren't going to Villanova and chose the one school I was hoping you wouldn't go to. I knew at that time we were nothing and I thought we were over for good but like always you swooped in at the right time and stole my heart again. I got to have you in my life for all the important things.. my birthdays, my graduation and my prom. Did I wish more than anything I was there for all of yours too; of course. Us getting back together was probably one of the biggest things to talk about in our town, but you and I couldn't have been more happier. If it's too good to be true then it probably is. You immediately pulled us back to why we broke up in the first place and my happiness and comfort was ripped from me. It was fight after fight for a while and you had to prove yourself. That was where the ring came in, my forever ring. We were sitting outside your house, you had two bouquets of flowers and a tiffany's ring box. You pretty much proposed to me at this point but I wasn't the slightest bit scared or freaked out because you were the only love I knew and I truly thought we were going to get married. I put that ring on with every hope and expectation that this was it, we finally found our way back to each other and nothing was getting in the way this time. Well I was wrong, jealousy and paranoia got in our way, which led to actual people getting in the way. Neither one of us was innocent in this matter and if I could change it or take all the things I did wrong back, I would in a heart beat. We were so happy and so good when we were with each other but the minute we had distance it was a whole different relationship. You began to start taking me and my care for granted, becoming all too comfortable with me sticking around all the time. But I will say that when we were good, I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back on old pictures my smile was just entirely different. I know Im still getting over everything that happened because you were my best friend and my other half for a very long time. But you did take my heart and a huge part of me. I have my heart back but I still am looking for those pieces. We have tried the closure thing way too many times and every time we just came up with the " I'll see you again some day". Too much has happened in between now that the whole " we'll never be over thing" has kind of lost its meaning. You have let go completely and I'm almost on my way there, Im just still holding onto the friendship we had. Saying good bye to you before you left for school this year was extremely hard and I knew deep down it would probably be the last time I see you and be friends. Now I know if I see you it isn't because we wanted it. But you showed me more than you'll ever know and there are days where I wish I could erase you and then other days I wish we could be the old us who were best friends. Erasing you though would mean my life would be completely different and with how my life is right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess being in your life was much harder than not being in your life... ignorance is bliss and first loves can really take a hold on you.

Letter Number Two

This letter is to the boy who made me fall in love with him with no intentions of ever falling back,

When I met you I had no intentions of even knowing you. Then you asked me out to dinner and I was taken back. What I knew of you was that taking a girl on a date was not normal so I was somewhat intrigued by this. We went on our first date and I had so much fun. We never stopped talking and I can still remember every detail. We began to hang out regularly and eventually one thing led to another. I was attracted to the opportunities I had with you because you were older and had your own place. Whenever something went wrong with my boyfriend at the time and we'd break up I'd go straight for you. You were my escape from everything. You definitely were my growing up turning point. You took me to my first bar, showed me what boston night life really was, and reminded me that I lost my innocence. Slowly but surely I was falling for you. I always saw the better in you, that even yourself couldn't see. I have never been able to explain my feelings really because I never was comfortable with them. You had a wall up that no one could break down. I thought that I was slowly taking one brick out at a time but to my surprise I think I was just adding more stone and cement to the wall. I understood you and I still understand you to this day. I took time and made extreme efforts to be your friend and listen to you talk about your past present and future. The time and dedication I gave you has never been matched, I think you took up all my energy in the end. Our "relationship" started to progress and we were with each other a lot more than usual. The day I fell in love with you I can still remember. We were taking a walk on the beach and you told me your entire life story and told me you consider me a best friend. I loved that you were always there when I needed you and how protective you were about me. Whether you choose to admit it or not I know you did care about me because you were never one to put much effort into anything and little do others know how close we really were. When we had to go through one of the hardest things I didn't expect you to be there for me, but you were by my side until I assured you I was okay. I never had to work at someone letting me in and showing me feelings but with you I had to and that taught me a lot. You said something that always has stayed in my mind... " I've never left but you always keep running away and then back to me when things don't go the way you planned...so remember I never left you." I didn't realize I was doing that nor did I think you noticed. Thats when I really thought I broke down some of your wall. We never made it to a title and thats because in the end you didn't want me. Everyone saw how I looked at you and the way I felt about you but still that had no effect on you what so ever. You did whatever with who ever and never thought of me once, never considered how hurt I would be. When I said I love you to your face in the car that night with tears pouring down my face I meant it. It was the scariest thing to say that to a person I knew deep down wouldn't even feel an ounce of that for me. But you played your cards right and I fell head over heels in love with you. I always hoped I would be different for you, how crazy is that? You used to tell me I'd be a star one day, I even kept that text saved to this day just incase I want another reminder that I can accomplish my big dream. But now you laugh at my accomplishments and dreams, you say how you can't take anything I do seriously. Maybe thats your insecurity talking because you have seen how as hard as it was and has been, I still cut you off and haven't tried running back. You did bring back every insecurity I had and I was petrified at the fact of ever giving my heart to another person again. How we ended wasn't on the best note but it had to happen. I'm sorry you thought I only told you what I thought you wanted to hear but everything I said to you was the truth and genuine. I don't regret the lessons I learned from you but I do regret falling in love with you because in the end it was only thrown right back in my face. You did the one thing you knew would hurt me and you admitted to it too. Will I ever know how you felt about me? Probably not. But I do know that you cant be with someone for 2 years and not feel anything for them, you especially just wouldn't have stuck around. So take care of yourself and know that I truly tried everything I could but somehow it just wasn't enough for you.

Forgiveness

Ask anyone and they will all say the same thing.. forgiveness and me do not mingle, at least we didn't until now. As I have said before some things in my past I am not proud of, letting people walk all over me was the main one. I let people who barely knew me say anything they wanted about me and to be honest it did hurt. They had one person (whom has shown themselves to be the horrible person I warned them about) feeding them false information and in return they created an awful opinion of me. Eventually true colors were shown and people realized that perhaps I am not anything like they thought I was. Thats the trouble with us girls, we judge based on what our friends have told us regardless if we knew them prior or just knew of them. We lose all desire to seek out the person and get to know them.

I think that it takes a person with a lot of respect and who's genuine to say sorry and truly mean it. I am not a person who says sorry unless I knew I was in the wrong. When I received an apology from some individuals I never thought would, I was relieved to say the least. I was aware of situations but I did not expect an apology out of it. I was sitting with my boyfriend when the apology was given and I didn't know whether or not to respond. The hurt was still there and I was afraid they did it for all the wrong reasons. It may not seem like a big deal to you but it was to me because of certain circumstances. I slept on the idea of responding and decided that perhaps it deserves an answer. I was truly thankful that they took the time to admit their wrongs and try and make peace. I once considered these people my friends so I tried to think optimistically and said thank you. It turns out it wasn't fake, it was very genuine and I know this because it was a simple conversation yet it said so much. Karma has a funny way of working in everyone's lives. Sometimes it's in your favor and sometimes it kicks you straight in the ass. But remember when you consciously and maliciously do wrong to others expecting no retaliation, you are mistaken. What goes around always comes around. Forgiving was never easy for me until I put myself in the other person's shoes. I could see why they did what they did and better late than never to resolve the situation.

So maybe forgiveness is okay, it can't hurt right?