Im Busy Getting Stronger

Believe it or not I felt for you stronger than the one of seven years... but that was almost a year ago and now Im busy... Im busy getting stronger, Im busy making my dreams come true, Im busy deciding what I want out of this life, Im busy writing, creating new friendships, and finding adventure, Im too busy falling in love with the man that deserved it in the first place. When I saw your number come up on my phone I was hesitant to answer because I was afraid of what the sound of your voice could do to the life I created without you. I had wanted you a part of my life and my dreams for so long, even after you made it clear my ambition and goals were a simple joke in your mind. You pretended it was just a simple hello, a "I had a dream about you so I figured I would call and see what you're doing". I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him that he has ruined me enough and to just leave me alone. { but in the end you only ruined yourself } In an instant I was ready for a nervous break down, all because of a boy. What does he want me to say? He moved on from the convoluted relationship we built for two years. "come over" he says. "Im sorry but I cannot do that" I said "But I want to show you my new place, I want to show you everything I've done" he pleads.

Where was he when I wanted to show him everything that I had done, where was he when I was breaking down and feeling the stinging pain of losing a one way street love. I was sitting night after night missing him, wondering what he's doing if he was thinking of me, wondering too if we could have worked it out. But that was before I met the man of my dreams.

"Im busy I have to go" I say. But what he doesn't know nor does he deserve to know is Im getting by perfectly without him. All my dreams were not giggles at anyone expense. I am better off without him and he's the one now calling at his weak moments; not me. I am building up my career, moving to an amazing place and making myself a little more stronger, Im not crying over lost loves or friendships, going to an amazing college where I need to be. I know who I am, all he knows is drinking and breaking any girls heart that comes in contact with him. Im busy, you're an absolute last thought in my days. I don't cry about you anymore, I don't wish or hope we could have worked it out as friends or a relationship. Im a better person because you are no longer in my life.



He will never change and my heart will never be the same because of him, but now I know thats not a bad thing. Ill be okay because on my weakest day I have my other half, my best friend, my future husband who smiles at my dreams, at my progress, he doesn't drag my heart around like you did.

Im busy getting stronger.

Permanent... Or So You Thought

So foolish me at age 19 thought that I was going to stay with him forever, forever enough to get a tattoo for him. I wasn't so idiotic that I got his name, but I got a quote with the heart shape of the ring he got me the day he promised forever. Its been two years since we broke up and well I have officially got rid of all his clothes ( I wont say what I did with them, but it was clever and amusing to say the least) and anything that could potentially bring up any thought of him... except this god damn tattoo. I have been searching for the perfect thing to get this "nasty" thing covered up. One artist I have been fascinated with for years and years now is Banksy. He is a British artist that would graffiti only at night, no one knew who this man was. He would sketch political commentary that would leave anyone and everyone speechless. He didn't do this for the fame or for money, he was just a simple man who had a talent of art and an outspoken opinion on the world. When I really sat and thought about what I wanted to have become permanent on my wrist I knew it had to be perfect and from this man because that was it after that. I will get something for me and no one else this time. I cannot decide yet so I decided to post the ones I have considered. Let me know what you think.


PS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a tattoo for anyone else except yourself, it makes me sick every time I look down at my wrist. All these thoughts of pain, confusion, loss of faith are all trapped in my mind and once this disappears I will finally get out. 

Reflecting on 2010

The more and more I look back on this past year I realize all the changes and things I had done. I finally figured out where I truly belong one day {Dallas, Texas}. Single finally didn't seem like the end of the world but the start of actually living. I made new and amazing friends that I know I will have for a lifetime. I finally found my style of clothing, I branched out and realized that there were more stores than just Express and Abercrombie. I found new lovers and let go of others. I made my words come alive and started a blog, or two or actually five at one point...but now Always Choose Paris has all of my heart and words. I redecorated my bedroom finally. I got rid of the trashy leopard and hot pink look {so tacky!} and transformed it into a parisian get away. My taste in music has become much more broad. I made lasting family memories in Canada. I went to Nantucket and fell in love with the island, hopefully I will be living there for the summer. I turned 21 and realized more than ever who truly cares about me and those who don't. Theres more to life than just Weymouth Massachusetts. Don't waste energy or your breath of those who have hurt you too many times. I finally became the person I know I was meant to be and did the things that made me happy. If I wanted something, I was more than capable of getting it. My independence is everything to me, I do not need a man or any sort of person to be in control of all my happiness. I played model for a little while to help me break out of my shell. Many lessons have been learned, relationships were lost and gained, dreams had come true, and I finally found the one love I have been searching for, the love for myself. I finally am growing up and realized I am so much better than all of those people who have tried to put me down one way or another. And I found the person I hope one day will ask me to spend the rest of my life with him

playing model

New Friends

spend the rest of my life with

impossible, becoming possible

Dallas stole my heart

the ones who will never leave me

the island of dreams

The 'Word'

When I was little I believed that princes were real and one day I would meet mine. When I got into high school I gave that piece of fairytale innocence and my love away. I wish someone would have warned me what I was doing the minute I dropped "I love you" and actually meant it. There should really be this contract that you need to read, not just scan through it...no actually read the entire thing cover to cover and recite the fine print just to make sure you fully understand, and when you do then you can sign and date it and THEN say those powerful words. But I was 14 when I realized I felt those feelings and 15 when I said them. I lucked out though because some people don't get the chance to be each others first loves, but I was his too. Had I known what I was getting myself into I probably would have waited a little bit longer to say them. Without a doubt what I felt was real and I didn't just throw it out there. I took precaution and chose the person wisely. But I was 15 so I thought those words were basic magic that kept people together forever. I wasn't ready to have him take them back... well not exactly take the words and feelings back because I know he still loves me, he tells me all the time... but to lose the person that went along with the word I suppose. That was the part I wasn't ready for and Im 21 now and I'm still not ready for the heart ache. He was my best friend and the only thing I knew for so long, so losing him was a form of torture. It ultimately was because those words scared him and love turned into jealousy and petty fights which has made it almost impossible to fix.

When you give your love away you are changed forever. You are never quite the same you were when you didn't allow those feelings. You put yourself out there, you let a giant wall down hoping to god it doesn't fall straight on you. Your first love never really leaves you... they linger and from time to time you miss them. Let them linger and let yourself miss them, its all part of a process. Eventually it wont be as constant and you'll find a new love that takes you to a whole different place. People dwell on their first loves because we think they are so much different and can never be replaced. Well in a way that is true they are different because they came into your life, allowed you to let down a wall and feel something that makes the world go round, something you had never felt before. Reality is that no one can be replaced, but that doesn't make them this monumental person. I mean my dog cant be replaced by another dog because no two things are the same. (no pun intended to compare a male to a dog) What I am trying to say is that once you give it away you can never go back. Indian giving does not apply to love, you cannot ask for it back. You accept that you gave a little piece of yourself to another individual and it is up to them what they do with it. And don't worry if you give it away and you two don't last forever, theres still so much more you have of yourself to keep and to give.

For a while I was a cynic to love. I had my heart broken, beat up, tossed around; what have you. I only did that because I was in my vulnerable stage, I wasn't as cautious anymore as to whom exactly I was giving it to. Some deserved my love, some did not and the same goes vice versa... I deserved some peoples love and for others I should have been the last person they gave their heart to. But you take it all with compassion and realize one day when you least expect it you'll find that person that deserves your love with every intention of giving it to you in return, and you my friend will never be the same...again.

When I found out that my boyfriend had never had a first love, or told any girl he loved her I was in shock. He has had previous relationships that have lasted quite some time so I figure he knew what I was talking about when I would talk about first loves. Well come to find out he has kept his love and doesn't just throw it around. (that didn't surprise me though because he is very guarded when it comes to girls) I told him he picked the complete opposite to be in a relationship with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, believe in fairytale beginnings and endings, cry at love songs,movies, and stories. I constantly am writing about all kinds of love and he's never had that feeling before?! Ironic to say the least. But there was one thing I swore up and down did not exist, it was utterly impossible-- love at first sight. How could it be possible to not know someone and already have such enormous feelings for them? Well July 17th 2010 that belief of impossible ceased completely. I met my boyfriend and knew the minute I saw him and sat down next to him that he was the one. If I could explain it you know I would but I couldn't then and I can't now. All I know is I didn't know him or his story previously to meeting him. I fell for him entirely on my own with no one else's input. But to know he has found the girl he wants to give his love to for the first time, and that girls me, well I feel pretty special. I guess I finally get to know what forever feels like... so here's my signature 'love', please take care of the two of us. When you know, you just know.

x Danielle Meuse

The Presents Just a Pleasant Interruption to the Past

I guess it was one thing to write that last letter and then to actually see him. The whole idea that everything was horrible and I HAD to say good bye was becoming a puerile idea. I know him like the back of my hand, I know when he's up and I know when he's down. It was more than obvious that where he was in life was not where he belonged. From day one he has always had two people that have been his number 1 fans, his mother and myself. I have the greatest hopes and expectations for him that I know myself he can accomplish. I keep an eye on him from a distance now, making sure that it doesn't spin too out of control. There are just some people in this world we cannot allow to hit rock bottom and I guess he is that person for me. Little did I know that I'm that person for him too. He keeps his distance because he sees how far I've come without him but he's prepared to catch me if I ever fall. It was so bizarre to know we always just pick up where we left off before it was broken. It was as if the break up just didn't occur and neither did the intense relationship. I imagine it as if we are still sitting by the pond in that town and we are talking about what we want to do with our lives. How we want so much out of life, move to california or new york and make something out of ourselves. Last night...all I can call it was an outer body experience. The entire time we were talking I was picturing us at that pond and then in that meadow we found by the side of the road. Maybe thats where we belonged now... in this pipe dream of the past's most significant moments, where it was only happiness and ambition, a place where dying in his arms seemed a little too comforting. 




"and if this is what it takes i'll lie in my mistakes and live with what I did to you and all the hell I put you through" 

Letter Number Three

This letter is for my first love and my first everything, you are the biggest part of my life... so far.

I met you when I was a very little girl. I think it was love at first sight for me but I was honestly way too young to even comprehend such a monumental concept. You are the person that every girl wants and fears at the same time. I wanted that special first love and I wanted it to be shared. I got what I wanted, we were each others first loves and for a very long time each others only loves. I feared you because there was a possibility I could lose you. We were each others first everything and that alone held a bond for us years down the road. You were my first real boyfriend and not until I was much older did I realize what that would entail exactly. Our first few years were just simple innocents, but we were madly in love with each other. A sudden break up happened your senior year of high school and needless to say I was a little more than heart broken. I did not react in the way I had hoped but I rebelled and became vengeful. For so long you were pushing me away, my existence, my love, our friendship. For a short time we became strangers. Seeing you in the halls was your basic breakup torture and when you'd purposely walk by my locker after last period everyday and shut my locker on me while I was getting my things, I didn't find it flirtatious or cute. I found out you weren't going to Villanova and chose the one school I was hoping you wouldn't go to. I knew at that time we were nothing and I thought we were over for good but like always you swooped in at the right time and stole my heart again. I got to have you in my life for all the important things.. my birthdays, my graduation and my prom. Did I wish more than anything I was there for all of yours too; of course. Us getting back together was probably one of the biggest things to talk about in our town, but you and I couldn't have been more happier. If it's too good to be true then it probably is. You immediately pulled us back to why we broke up in the first place and my happiness and comfort was ripped from me. It was fight after fight for a while and you had to prove yourself. That was where the ring came in, my forever ring. We were sitting outside your house, you had two bouquets of flowers and a tiffany's ring box. You pretty much proposed to me at this point but I wasn't the slightest bit scared or freaked out because you were the only love I knew and I truly thought we were going to get married. I put that ring on with every hope and expectation that this was it, we finally found our way back to each other and nothing was getting in the way this time. Well I was wrong, jealousy and paranoia got in our way, which led to actual people getting in the way. Neither one of us was innocent in this matter and if I could change it or take all the things I did wrong back, I would in a heart beat. We were so happy and so good when we were with each other but the minute we had distance it was a whole different relationship. You began to start taking me and my care for granted, becoming all too comfortable with me sticking around all the time. But I will say that when we were good, I was the happiest I had ever been. Looking back on old pictures my smile was just entirely different. I know Im still getting over everything that happened because you were my best friend and my other half for a very long time. But you did take my heart and a huge part of me. I have my heart back but I still am looking for those pieces. We have tried the closure thing way too many times and every time we just came up with the " I'll see you again some day". Too much has happened in between now that the whole " we'll never be over thing" has kind of lost its meaning. You have let go completely and I'm almost on my way there, Im just still holding onto the friendship we had. Saying good bye to you before you left for school this year was extremely hard and I knew deep down it would probably be the last time I see you and be friends. Now I know if I see you it isn't because we wanted it. But you showed me more than you'll ever know and there are days where I wish I could erase you and then other days I wish we could be the old us who were best friends. Erasing you though would mean my life would be completely different and with how my life is right now, I wouldn't change it for the world. I guess being in your life was much harder than not being in your life... ignorance is bliss and first loves can really take a hold on you.

Letter Number Two

This letter is to the boy who made me fall in love with him with no intentions of ever falling back,

When I met you I had no intentions of even knowing you. Then you asked me out to dinner and I was taken back. What I knew of you was that taking a girl on a date was not normal so I was somewhat intrigued by this. We went on our first date and I had so much fun. We never stopped talking and I can still remember every detail. We began to hang out regularly and eventually one thing led to another. I was attracted to the opportunities I had with you because you were older and had your own place. Whenever something went wrong with my boyfriend at the time and we'd break up I'd go straight for you. You were my escape from everything. You definitely were my growing up turning point. You took me to my first bar, showed me what boston night life really was, and reminded me that I lost my innocence. Slowly but surely I was falling for you. I always saw the better in you, that even yourself couldn't see. I have never been able to explain my feelings really because I never was comfortable with them. You had a wall up that no one could break down. I thought that I was slowly taking one brick out at a time but to my surprise I think I was just adding more stone and cement to the wall. I understood you and I still understand you to this day. I took time and made extreme efforts to be your friend and listen to you talk about your past present and future. The time and dedication I gave you has never been matched, I think you took up all my energy in the end. Our "relationship" started to progress and we were with each other a lot more than usual. The day I fell in love with you I can still remember. We were taking a walk on the beach and you told me your entire life story and told me you consider me a best friend. I loved that you were always there when I needed you and how protective you were about me. Whether you choose to admit it or not I know you did care about me because you were never one to put much effort into anything and little do others know how close we really were. When we had to go through one of the hardest things I didn't expect you to be there for me, but you were by my side until I assured you I was okay. I never had to work at someone letting me in and showing me feelings but with you I had to and that taught me a lot. You said something that always has stayed in my mind... " I've never left but you always keep running away and then back to me when things don't go the way you planned...so remember I never left you." I didn't realize I was doing that nor did I think you noticed. Thats when I really thought I broke down some of your wall. We never made it to a title and thats because in the end you didn't want me. Everyone saw how I looked at you and the way I felt about you but still that had no effect on you what so ever. You did whatever with who ever and never thought of me once, never considered how hurt I would be. When I said I love you to your face in the car that night with tears pouring down my face I meant it. It was the scariest thing to say that to a person I knew deep down wouldn't even feel an ounce of that for me. But you played your cards right and I fell head over heels in love with you. I always hoped I would be different for you, how crazy is that? You used to tell me I'd be a star one day, I even kept that text saved to this day just incase I want another reminder that I can accomplish my big dream. But now you laugh at my accomplishments and dreams, you say how you can't take anything I do seriously. Maybe thats your insecurity talking because you have seen how as hard as it was and has been, I still cut you off and haven't tried running back. You did bring back every insecurity I had and I was petrified at the fact of ever giving my heart to another person again. How we ended wasn't on the best note but it had to happen. I'm sorry you thought I only told you what I thought you wanted to hear but everything I said to you was the truth and genuine. I don't regret the lessons I learned from you but I do regret falling in love with you because in the end it was only thrown right back in my face. You did the one thing you knew would hurt me and you admitted to it too. Will I ever know how you felt about me? Probably not. But I do know that you cant be with someone for 2 years and not feel anything for them, you especially just wouldn't have stuck around. So take care of yourself and know that I truly tried everything I could but somehow it just wasn't enough for you.

My Closure.

"The hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them, in fear of what I might find. By then, you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn't want to ever forget that."

It was hard to turn my back on something that I felt so strongly about, but I didn't have a choice... that part is over and there's nothing that could be done to change it. So I will keep the letters and I will keep the memories in a special place. I'll try and move on with my life as best as possible without him, making the most of all this sadness.

xoxo

Always Choose Paris

-"little"

Friend or Enemy?

Usually the question is can a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend, but I think the question is ' should a girl be friends with her ex boyfriend'

For me it really depends on the circumstances of it all. Each relationship had a different beginning, middle and ending. For some we had been best friends for years before we started dating and others we were strangers and then instantly a couple.

Each day I have a different answer for this. Some times I can set everything aside and be his friend and then other days all my thoughts are consumed with how the hell did it turn into this? I try and fix things but I have to keep reminding myself that this is permanently broken.. that those wounds are still open and I just simply cannot get over it. The cracks will always be there and just going back would make those walls and my somewhat found happiness crumble. Will I always care about him and love him? Sure, maybe, I don't know. But I do know that when I think about us I become upset but not in a way where I want to curl up in a ball and hide in my bed forever...instead I want to drive to him and try and understand because after 2 years of being apart I just simply don't understand. There has never been a closure between us so I guess until that is found there cannot be a friendship. How I plan on dealing with this is running. I will keep running from reminders and him until I can't remember him.

Taken from Flickr

So unless you are 100% over him, the relationship you once had, and the life you used to live you CANNOT AND SHOULD NOT be friends with him. Its a self form of torture. You're never going to be able to move on completely if he is involved in your life. You're just going to drive yourself crazy with thoughts of, why isn't he trying to talk to me? Has he found someone else? Does he think about me? Does he still love me?... All these things realistically should not matter but we're human so they do. I thought I could handle him being in my life again because I always said I'd rather have him in it than not but I find myself going backwards and not moving on. I have so much I want to say to him but in the end it will never change anything. Whats done is done and right now my heart is saying enemy.

Finding Myself

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend a retreat with hundreds of other women. I had no clue what to expect going into it, but I was open to the idea. I did not expect to become a totally different person coming out of it. As you have all been reading, I have been on this emotional roller coaster. One day I feel like the luckiest girl in the world and others I feel as though I am being drag down to the bottomless sea by the anchor, also known as my past. I knew I needed something to help me swim up to the surface, but this weekend wasn't what I thought would get me there; thankfully I was wrong.

Through this retreat I got to learn a few things about life in general. I learned that I need to suck it up; plain and simple. Life isn't as bad as I can make it seem in my mind. I need to understand that something has happened and suck it up. So what if I get rejected, so what if someone says something about me behind my back, so what if I spill a hot, i mean hot cup of coffee on my new white blouse... SUCK IT UP.

As the night was progressing I got to hear other women's stories about struggle and how they overcame it. I was truly inspired. One thing that really stuck to me was when one woman said this... " What other people say about me behind my back is not my business, I cannot be bothered" I have never heard something so simple speak to me the way those words did. I'm young and I still care what people say about me, maybe not what people think, but the words definitely stick... but I can't be bothered anymore, it just is not worth it.

Being around negative people is never, I mean NEVER a good thing. It only brings you down and ruins your mentality. This is where my change comes in. My boyfriend always says that I put other people's happiness before mine and I need to change that. What I didn't realize is what he truly meant until I went to this retreat.... I like being around happy people so thats why i was always like that but now i just need to learn to balance ( balance is key) I used to believe that it was ok if I was negative but the minute someone else was, I would rid myself of them because I just "couldn't surround myself with that". I was a huge part of the reason I was so miserable. I was half of the negative energy and I didn't even realize it, but my boyfriend did. But being that amazing guy he is, he knew I'd figure it out eventually and when I finally understood it, he'd be there for a shoulder to lean on.

In personalities there is a thing called "D.I.S.C" I will get into this entire thing on another time... but I realized I am 75% D and 25% I. I am a CONTROL FREAK. I am dominantly focused. I love details and ask good questions. I over analyze everything, not joking.. I would over analyze my cereal in the morning if I thought it was needed. I have a high ego and a fear of being taken advantage of. I am constantly frustrated if something does no go my way. My eyes cannot keep a secret. As a 'D' and an 'I' the things I need to learn are that I need people. Relaxation is not a crime. some controls are needed, especially self control. Focus on finishing well, be a team player, quit being so stubborn. It's ok to trust others, as long as you realize not everyone will let you down. I need to learn better time management, to be humble and avoid pride.

To overcome a challenge you first need to take a look in the mirror. My past is small, and I can still see it once in a while, like a rear view mirror, but the future and the happiness is in front of me in the windshield. I know that its in the past and I've learned a lot from it. No one needs to know what happened then because it doesn't matter anymore. The bad days are still days and that is what I need to be grateful for. I was given the ability to wake up the next morning, to start with a positive attitude and set goals, that I will now follow through. Instead of giving everything little bits of love, I will prioritize... TIME MANAGEMENT.

I truly figured out a lot about myself and my life this past weekend and I could not be happier or more excited to remain on this path. So many times I would get off track, but not this time... I won't allow it.

Never Be Ashamed

I love writing. I am constantly thinking of the things I want to discuss and what approach I should take on it. I put a lot of effort and work into each post I write, just like any other blogger. Some may remember my old blog which I no longer have. People in my town saw it and immediately I was talked about ( not in a positive way either) So many people had something to say about it and would mock the things I wrote. I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me at first. I made my blog private then I would make it public the next day. Why was I ashamed of what I was writing and saying? It took a lot of confidence to put out my life for the world to see. One person in particular, Anna always would yell at me when I would make it so no one else could see it. " Why would you ever care what people say about you're blog, you don't like them anyways so their opinion especially should not matter"... she was so right. PS thank you Anna for pushing me to remain my own person I made a new blog (this one) to start on the right foot again, clean slate if you will. This time I did things right. I never let those critics affect me or my writing. I am so happy with the progress I have made. There are so many supporters out there that I had no idea about before.

No one should ever be ashamed of something that makes them happy. Writing constantly makes me happy, seeing a new follower appear on the right hand side of this site makes me smile beyond belief ( ask my boyfriend) When I see comments I am so ecstatic because not only do I have readers but I have responders and that is a great feeling. So thank you and I hope you keep on reading.

xoxo

always choose paris

Long Gone

I refuse to make the same mistake twice. For so long I have had this horrible tendency to keep making the same mistake over and over again. My mistake was letting people hurt me. I cannot be in that same awful place I once was... the outcome just wouldn't be good. When life seems like too much and right now it is beginning to seem that way; I run. I feel myself more than ever running from reality, running from everything because I don't want to be hurt. There is one person and place that can bring me to this feeling of assurance, but they appear to be far from my reach at this point.

I guess what I am looking for is someone to be head over heels about everything I do. I want that feeling that I made someone else extremely proud. Someone who feels like the luckiest person in the world because I am in their life. But of course I am very hard to satisfy so this seems nearly impossible.

Running away just seems to be the theme of my life I guess.

"You're right, I should run. But I'd rather be running towards someone than running away"

Overwhelmed

I think I speak for everyone when I say sometimes life is a little too much. Lately I have been running around like a crazy girl trying to get my life in order. Juggling 3 jobs, college full time, girlfriends family and a boyfriend is NOT an easy task.

Where did my 'me' time go??? Can I have it back now?

I am the queen of organization. I need everything neat and clean and perfect.. but lately everything is scattered, nothing is in the right place and frankly nothing that is at the top of my list is getting done. I don't know when this started happening but I need it to stop immediately. I am the type of person that can't do anything until everything around me is organized so I find myself cleaning more than concentrating on the important stuff, and myself. I feel as though I have no time to breathe or sit down or even eat for that matter. I start to wonder is being the best at everything truly worth it? Or will I just end up failing at everything and be left with a huge pile of disaster that-- you guessed it, I'll scramble to clean because like I said before I am a neat freak. I keep getting this feeling of anxiety and I just wish things could fall into place a little better.

I find myself always asking the same questions... Did I really think it was a smart idea to start an independent business at such a young age with no financial back up? I mean I am paying for college out of my pocket every month... how in the hell did I think I could support a business too? And why the hell did I join the school newspaper, because I somehow ended up becoming the editor and president of that too, which ultimately means more work than I bargained for. Do I really deserve such an amazing boyfriend if I can't give him the time he deserves? I mean our only time I can hang out with him, is spent in a library. There is plenty wrong with this picture I have painted, so how do I make a new and less complex one?

Readers... If you're out there, paint a pretty picture for me.

Simple

I don't really have much to say or any particular topics to discuss. All I can think is how happy I am with my life, who is in it and how situations have turned out. I am never usually one to be happy with someone else's misfortune but after some rather splendid news I can't help it. Karma is something I fully believe in and they have finally got what they deserved. One thing my mother has always taught me is that people who are malicious will self destruct; and she could not be more correct. I am so thankful for my friends that saw through so many things and stood by me. Through this entire year I have learned a few things. Friends who are true will never leave you completely and revenge is something that will only back fire. It's much better to go about your life and know that life has a funny way of working itself out, people eventually show their real colors.

Dear Big

I don't think I will ever find a more perfect song to describe how I felt a year ago other than this song.

Dear John Taylor Swift

Back and Forth

Surprised? No

Angry? Yes

You put all your feelings aside and tried to focus on the good of that person. You finally were able to forgive them, just to be smacked in the face again with reality. Reality is they will never be the person you created in your mind. No matter how hard you try and see that "good", it will never be there because its wishful thinking. They know you like the back of their hand so when they want you to believe that you were someone they loved and cared about no matter what, you believed them all because they say the right thing. You swallowed your pride, took every dirty look, every snide remark from everyone just to forgive them. Looking back on it now I don't really understand why he deserved that forgiveness. He never really begged for it like he should have. He threw away a friendship, a first love and it was too late when he figured out what he'd done. But now that I have realized he doesn't belong in this part of my life I need to say goodbye. I forgave myself for my actions but perhaps after clarity and realization how I could of been treated and should have been treated, it's time to say goodbye completely and forget his existence.

I am no longer bitter or sad to see this person leave my life; I'm indifferent. He doesn't deserve anything from me and he can pretend all he wants that I am important to him but this time I wont fall for it.

Soul Mate

Everyone believes that someone out there holds the key to their happiness. Most would consider this person as a boyfriend or a girl friend, husband or wife.. what have you. But my soul mate is something totally different. This is a love story, but not the kind you'd think.

They met when they were 5 years old, going on 6. She wore a mighty ducks hat backwards, baggy jeans and new kids on the block t-shirts, just your typical tom boy. You messed with her and she'd kick your ass. He was quiet, dressed "normal" and didn't dare try and stand up for himself. Complete opposites but became the best of friends. He saw something in her that no one else ever could, that only he could explain. Little did she know that he would become what she considered a soul mate.

He is her best friend. He has seen her go through everything, from her first of many heart breaks to when she finally learned to ride her bike without training wheels. There was no one that could compare or know her quite like him. She is very hard to handle and hold onto. The minute she feels like she isn't in control she will run and not look back. With him though she knows she's okay and will never be replaced. They hold a special place in each other's hearts and that is all the comfort in the world to her. She's complex, very unpredictable but he knows she's twisted and dark, he knows she acts on impulse and gets hurt more than she should but through it all he has loved her anyway.

He is her soul mate because he is her better half. They will never be more than best friends but that's why she can still believe in this concept of one person having that key. No one will be good enough for her just like no girl will ever be good enough for him. As they grow up they can still see the little kids in each other and to him she'll always be that little tom boy with her backwards mighty duck hat that he will always care for and protect.

If You Could Say One Thing To The World What Would You Say

If I could say one thing to the world I would say "dream big". Never give yourself a limit because with limits come disappointments. Dream what you want, be who you want.

What would you say to the world if you had a chance?

I Need More Than Glue and Tape

For the most part I like to believe I'm pretty put together. I have three jobs, I go to college {and pay for it every month myself} I have a nice car, amazing friends and family, and I am part of the newspaper and honor seminar. But one thing that I always do is run. I can be so interested in someone and the minute they even show the slightest bit of interest back I run. I tell myself I don't want it anymore, that I'm better off without another person. Why do I insist on running from anything good? It's pretty evident that he won't hurt me but still I insist on talking myself out of any guy that could make me happy in my life. I am aware I am doing this but every day I try and fight the thoughts and don't act on them. I truly don't know why I do this though. I fixed my life by patching it up with glue and tape. I am still at the point where I don't know what will make me fall apart again. These fixes were only temporary but for now they are getting me through the days. You'd think though that I learned not to run when I know it's a good thing...

Yes, I Know

-What defines you?

My writing defines me. I am passionate in everything I say. Im imperfect and chaotic.

-What do you stand for?

I stand for feminism and being a single girl. I stand for the importance of finding oneself. I stand for making a change

-Who matters most to you?

My family, my dog, and my three best friends

-Are you confident?

Yes, in every aspect. It took a while but I am finally 100% confident in everything, mentally physically and emotionally

-Are you a follower or do you walk to your own beat?

I used to be the person that would do whatever made others happy, but since I have found a change in my life I have become an individual. I do whatever makes me happy, sure I look up to people and value others opinions but I am definitely different and I LOVE it.

-What can you do to make a difference?

I can share with others my experience in hopes that they take a lesson out of it. I want to be a role model to young girls. I want to show that if you put your mind to something, you can achieve it.

-What is the point in being sad, when you know very well you can put just as much effort into being happy.

There is no point. I have so many things to be happy about that the sad things should only be a little increment towards my life. I used to be a miserable person, I never knew why people wanted to be around me. Once I realized I could take a step back and choose to be happy I began to change.

- Who are YOU?

I am Danielle Meuse. I am writer. I am a daughter and a sister. I am driven and a strong individual. I will make a difference one day. I have a 'big dream' and work at it every day. I hate the person I used to be and it took me a year of searching and mistake making but I finally have made permanent changes. I am a completely different girl I was a year ago.

-What gives you any right to judge others?

I have no right, therefore I try everyday not to. Give everyone and everything a chance :) Everyone has a story as to why they are the way they are.

Thank you for those who emailed me your answers and for Elle who posted hers. My purpose of this was to have you as the reader really take a better look at the important questions. I did this same "questionnaire" a year ago and my answers were completely different. They were socially acceptable and had a sense of anger hidden in between the lines. I think to answer these questions every now and then is a good thing. You get to see where things have changed and what has remained the same. Being honest is the first step.