A Girl From Nantucket

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www.girlfromack.blogspot.com

Im Busy Getting Stronger

Believe it or not I felt for you stronger than the one of seven years... but that was almost a year ago and now Im busy... Im busy getting stronger, Im busy making my dreams come true, Im busy deciding what I want out of this life, Im busy writing, creating new friendships, and finding adventure, Im too busy falling in love with the man that deserved it in the first place. When I saw your number come up on my phone I was hesitant to answer because I was afraid of what the sound of your voice could do to the life I created without you. I had wanted you a part of my life and my dreams for so long, even after you made it clear my ambition and goals were a simple joke in your mind. You pretended it was just a simple hello, a "I had a dream about you so I figured I would call and see what you're doing". I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him that he has ruined me enough and to just leave me alone. { but in the end you only ruined yourself } In an instant I was ready for a nervous break down, all because of a boy. What does he want me to say? He moved on from the convoluted relationship we built for two years. "come over" he says. "Im sorry but I cannot do that" I said "But I want to show you my new place, I want to show you everything I've done" he pleads.

Where was he when I wanted to show him everything that I had done, where was he when I was breaking down and feeling the stinging pain of losing a one way street love. I was sitting night after night missing him, wondering what he's doing if he was thinking of me, wondering too if we could have worked it out. But that was before I met the man of my dreams.

"Im busy I have to go" I say. But what he doesn't know nor does he deserve to know is Im getting by perfectly without him. All my dreams were not giggles at anyone expense. I am better off without him and he's the one now calling at his weak moments; not me. I am building up my career, moving to an amazing place and making myself a little more stronger, Im not crying over lost loves or friendships, going to an amazing college where I need to be. I know who I am, all he knows is drinking and breaking any girls heart that comes in contact with him. Im busy, you're an absolute last thought in my days. I don't cry about you anymore, I don't wish or hope we could have worked it out as friends or a relationship. Im a better person because you are no longer in my life.



He will never change and my heart will never be the same because of him, but now I know thats not a bad thing. Ill be okay because on my weakest day I have my other half, my best friend, my future husband who smiles at my dreams, at my progress, he doesn't drag my heart around like you did.

Im busy getting stronger.

Chaos

"A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation"

Cause This is a Battle

She felt like she had been going through battle after battle, with herself and the ones who loved her. She couldn't figure out where she went of course. But she lost.. she lost her confidence, her will, her dreams, her passion. She no longer had the words anymore. How did it get this far?

...Because she let him in, trusting that he would take care of her and help her not forget, but move forward from everything. But what they both forgot was her and they were heading for a wrong turn, one that maybe they could never change. She needed herself back and for the first time she wasn't sure if that was even possible anymore...

You Gave Me Roses and I Left Them There To Die

Several months back I received a dozen coral roses from an anonymous man. The note read " you thought I'd forget gorgeous". My first thought was 'does this date have a significance?' but I knew it didn't. I asked a few different people if they had sent them to me and I kept getting "nope not me" until the last one, I was nervous and intimidated to ask but I also knew he could have been a possibility. He confirmed they were from him, asked if I liked them and told me what the note meant. In the few times spent together we had walked by a flower stand and I had mentioned that coral roses were my favorite and thats what the note meant, that he listened and remembered. I never told anyone they were from him because honestly no one would have believed me, they would have laughed and mocked me. I didn't want anyone to know he sent me those roses because in the end he wasn't who I wanted.. I wanted the guy I was chasing all summer long, fame or no fame the boy who sent the flowers wasn't the one. I left the flowers in my room to die and continued to try and win over the summer crush. If he knew that there had been another person in the picture he wouldn't have stuck around and for so long thats what I worked towards. I wasn't about to lose him to anyone, no matter their social status. So I kept the sender a secret and left that little bit of my life in the rearview. But his compliments and his genuine liking towards me come back every so often....

" I love her"

' I thought you should know this, I've been seeing someone for about a month now'
' I love her, Im not sure about the whole in love thing, but I care about her...deeply'


Did he just say what I thought he just said? No there's no way I just read that correctly...let me read that again... 'I love her'. This cannot be right, this is not happening right now.

I always had the one up on one thing, he never had a girlfriend or felt for another girl like he did me. I may have been in complete denial when I told myself he will never ever have a girlfriend again. He wasn't the type to care about being lonely, he had a way to have girls fill the void but never let it get past his typical using. I needed my void to be filled and I for one was never lonely, he was actually used to me finding other guys to replace him so when he would find out I had a boyfriend he somewhat laughed it off. " oh that will end in a few months, she'll get bored and come right back to me again"

To my dismay, the book filled with seven years of our on again off again romance was at a close. I have felt heart break before with him, but nothing quite like this. He wasn't ever supposed to move on, he was never supposed to call a girl his girlfriend. I didn't care how selfish or naive that was, he was supposed to stay right where he was before. This was unlike any other feeling I had before, my body started to become numb, my fingers and arms they started to cramp up, I couldn't feel my body, I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't get one word out to even convince myself that I wasn't dying right then and there. Two years ago wasn't our breakup...it was happening right now. The minute I could even get my body to function and respond I come out with... " Im engaged." {am I neurotic? I am 21 years old Im not engaged, I've barely graduated college.. he is never going to believe this} 'Wow thats great Danielle, I mean Im in shock, I hope its what you want and it doesn't take away from your dreams, but you always wanted to get married so I guess you are happy'...{he seriously bought that?} Im not sure what felt worse, the fact that all I could come back with was a fake engagement announcement or the fact that my life of almost 10 years is at a complete stop. It was more than just a second break up with a boy I have known my entire life, it was a breakup from my safety, from the one thing I knew certain of when I knew of nothing else. I wish I had a heads up, some sort of signal... but I was completely taken off guard and left with a bottle of jack daniels and tissues.

So I was left again, to fend for myself and process this information I was given alone because no one else understands how I can even care about this. But what they don't know is him. He swore he would never love again or care about a girl and trust me he meant it. This was it though, the ending I never wanted to see. I knew that the break up two years ago wasn't the last of it, but even that didn't prepare me for the last and final words we would ever speak. No one could say or do anything to prepare me for this. The only one who could say or do anything to not make me feel like I just lost pretty much all of me was him, and he was out there loving someone else now.

actual photo

Fear Of Writing

It has been months and months since she last wrote. People would ask her what happened, why has she "given up". For the first time in her life, she stopped having the right words for everything, she stopped having the intense emotions like she used to. Consumed with negative thoughts and defeat she lied awake in bed night after night wondering if she had been lying to herself her entire life. Was her purpose in life something else? Could she possibly not be a writer? She began to believe this because her biggest fan, the one person who read every piece of her writing, who knew all of her dreams was now becoming her second biggest critic. He became selfish in her writing, if it wasn't about him and it was about something else, some other man then in his eyes and many other people's eyes it meant she didn't love him or she had not let go of her past. Trying to find the words to explain why that was never the case became exhausting and overwhelming. So the only solution that came to mind, something that would be simple quick and easy was to just stop all together and blame it on a writers block... but that wasn't the circumstance.

She developed a fear of writing. She was afraid that everything else in her life would have to take a back seat if she continued to write. Her boyfriend would think she didn't love him like she said, that her school work and work would suffer, that her friends would think she was selling them out about their personal lives, that she would ultimately take away any personal life she or anyone in her life had.

"If I write about this or that, then people will take it the wrong way and I am so afraid of criticism from those I care about the most.. I need them more than I need my writing"

She was slowly losing herself, the self that no one knew about except her. Writing was all she had and for a long time all she needed to get by, to face another day. That was being taken away and she didn't have the strength to hold on. One day she woke up and she decided to let those people get upset, let them try to read between the lines, they will probably fail at it anyway. No one is going to get hurt in her writing because for the most part those things had already happened and she is still there to write about it and the others are there to read it. She did not give up on writing and she would like to thank those who kept asking the questions of what happened. Fear of writing happened but that is just a part of her journey, she was her own biggest critic after all.

What do you want

A private call comes in and I think nothing of it. I pick up and I hear the one voice I didn't want to hear. My body goes into complete shock and all those insecurities and memories come flooding in. Why did he have to call? There is nothing left to say and he's only taking me back to a place where I fought so hard to get out of. It's not fair, why does he continue to do this? I didn't have anything to say, the only thing I could think to do was hang up. I meant what I said when I said I moved on. He chose this, he wanted this now you can live with this.

Permanent... Or So You Thought

So foolish me at age 19 thought that I was going to stay with him forever, forever enough to get a tattoo for him. I wasn't so idiotic that I got his name, but I got a quote with the heart shape of the ring he got me the day he promised forever. Its been two years since we broke up and well I have officially got rid of all his clothes ( I wont say what I did with them, but it was clever and amusing to say the least) and anything that could potentially bring up any thought of him... except this god damn tattoo. I have been searching for the perfect thing to get this "nasty" thing covered up. One artist I have been fascinated with for years and years now is Banksy. He is a British artist that would graffiti only at night, no one knew who this man was. He would sketch political commentary that would leave anyone and everyone speechless. He didn't do this for the fame or for money, he was just a simple man who had a talent of art and an outspoken opinion on the world. When I really sat and thought about what I wanted to have become permanent on my wrist I knew it had to be perfect and from this man because that was it after that. I will get something for me and no one else this time. I cannot decide yet so I decided to post the ones I have considered. Let me know what you think.


PS. NEVER EVER EVER EVER get a tattoo for anyone else except yourself, it makes me sick every time I look down at my wrist. All these thoughts of pain, confusion, loss of faith are all trapped in my mind and once this disappears I will finally get out. 

So You Put It Down On Paper

She swore to herself that one day she would make a difference, that she would help someone see through their own eyes what she saw. He came into her life at the most unpredictable time but it was never desultory. She gave him faith and hope that what he was looking at when he saw her blue eyes was true love, lasting love, something for the first time he could not quite explain. He had a wall that everyone quickly determined was infrangible, but against all odds that did not phase her. She broke through the unbreakable, she didn't get bits and pieces of him, he gave her everything. He remained cautious when he gave her his care, but he had finally let someone in. They learned through each other.. one of the things he would take from this relationship was the impact of writing. He would write to her, never had he put a pen to paper for love before. She read his letter with amazement, he was just as gifted as he claimed her to be. Her dream was to fall in love and in return give him the love he had been searching for and deserved. But what she was more content with was that she had passed on her love for writing to the person she loved the most and he found a new side to himself. The difference was made and they became closer and closer through words. No one was getting in between this love, and nothing would be too strong to end it. It was a moment when words and actions became concerted, it was when she realized she had fell in love for the first time and he finally had someone to share his everything with.

she used to lie awake at night, tormented as she worked on her book, asking herself, “Who do you think you are, trying to write a first novel at your age?” But she wrote it. And she held up her National Book Award

It'll Speak For Itself

Her dreams were so enormous, but could they perhaps be out of reach? She began to fall into this lapse that  these big dreams she made would remain that way; a reverie. It was admired that she had all these ambitions but were they realistic? Could they happen despite her life circumstances? She had been in this standstill for years now, and every time her hands were right there, able to reach out she would fall once again. There was one person though that forever impacted her life... it wasn't some renowned writer, some man who swept her off her feet, or the greatest friend in the world. The person that impacted her most was 4'3, tiny glasses, wavy brown hair, the cutest little smile that could light up anyones world. Her name is Mackenzie Rose and she changed my life forever. I met her when she was in first grade and she stole my heart forever. The smallest things made her happy and there was never once a complaint from her little mouth. But the thing that I held onto most about her was that she was my biggest fan. I was her everyday hero and she would call me everyday to tell me about her day and could not wait to hear about mine. She loved reading and writing and told me that one day she would be a journalist just like me. The way she compiled a story matched her personality; simply remarkable. 


-- As I had last posted, I had the case of writers block. I have endured this inability to perform before, but nothing quite like this. Then I stumbled upon something that gave me my integrity and passion back. As I finished reading this little letter I began to remember I can do this, my writing will be published one day, I will make it to the highest point in my career and I will change lives.


"Danielle,
you know you can do anything so do anything you want to. you are the best girl in the whole world! you are the best, you are the best, you are the best! thank you for everything you do for me.
Love Mackenzie"

just four short sentences but they changed my day and the way I have been thinking for the past few months. I have a little girl who thinks the world of me. To her I am capable of anything and everything. I need to make these dreams come true not only for myself but for Mackenzie too, she has had enough let downs in her life and I refuse to be another.

I have a case of the writers block...


But I did go buy Elizabeth Gilberts new book 'Committed'. And I am working on the ending of my "book". So I guess Im not a complete loss.


"Her enormous capacity for love has all too often been left unmatched and unreturned by the world."

The Olive Reader - The Weblog of Harper Perennial

The Olive Reader - The Weblog of Harper Perennial

Reflecting on 2010

The more and more I look back on this past year I realize all the changes and things I had done. I finally figured out where I truly belong one day {Dallas, Texas}. Single finally didn't seem like the end of the world but the start of actually living. I made new and amazing friends that I know I will have for a lifetime. I finally found my style of clothing, I branched out and realized that there were more stores than just Express and Abercrombie. I found new lovers and let go of others. I made my words come alive and started a blog, or two or actually five at one point...but now Always Choose Paris has all of my heart and words. I redecorated my bedroom finally. I got rid of the trashy leopard and hot pink look {so tacky!} and transformed it into a parisian get away. My taste in music has become much more broad. I made lasting family memories in Canada. I went to Nantucket and fell in love with the island, hopefully I will be living there for the summer. I turned 21 and realized more than ever who truly cares about me and those who don't. Theres more to life than just Weymouth Massachusetts. Don't waste energy or your breath of those who have hurt you too many times. I finally became the person I know I was meant to be and did the things that made me happy. If I wanted something, I was more than capable of getting it. My independence is everything to me, I do not need a man or any sort of person to be in control of all my happiness. I played model for a little while to help me break out of my shell. Many lessons have been learned, relationships were lost and gained, dreams had come true, and I finally found the one love I have been searching for, the love for myself. I finally am growing up and realized I am so much better than all of those people who have tried to put me down one way or another. And I found the person I hope one day will ask me to spend the rest of my life with him

playing model

New Friends

spend the rest of my life with

impossible, becoming possible

Dallas stole my heart

the ones who will never leave me

the island of dreams

Falling Apart

Maybe the impossible was just that... impossible. Since she was a little girl she had dreamt of the perfect relationship. Once her innocence had come to terms with reality she finally understood, that glass slipper didn't exist, sorry little one. After all of the struggles and let downs she had faith in just one thing, buried deep down with the rest of her feelings that one day she would find the perfect love, the one who made all those other what she likes to call now, assholes, away.

" If  I am going to endure the same struggles I do now than whats the point? Why bother loving again if I feel like I am back tracking."

"Because it isn't always going to be the way you pictured it, you said he was different from all the rest and he is. Sometimes that difference is the reason why you fell in love and sometimes its going to drive you crazy and you just won't understand what is going through his head or why he just did what he did. But when it comes down to it, he proved he is different from the rest. He did what you have always wanted, make you say good bye to all of your past didn't he?"

" Yes but I have never felt like I was good enough for him, since the beginning...because of the beginning. How could we ever come back from this?"

" That's not in your hands anymore."

So the old saying.. 'take the good with the bad'... exactly how much do we practice this preach? Where do we draw the line to keep our own sanity and dignity? Exactly how far do we let ourselves go and not become overwhelmed with the possibility that maybe this perfection we thought we had was just a falicy. How do we keep ourselved together, hold onto the confidence and security we have left if there is a person present who may destroy it all.

Confetti falls to the ground

I was so worried all week about what my plans were for new years and what I would wear. Thankfully I figured out both today last minute. I went shopping with my best friend Amanda and we picked out the perfect outfit together. I could not be more pleased with my choice. At first I wanted sequence and lots of it. But when the department lady at Nordstroms told me they were all sold out I realized I would be matching EVERYONE if I chose something with lots of sparkle... so I went for the 'classic look'. I love polka dot tights and ankle boots so I put those pieces together with an adorable and vintage looking dress that only cost me $20.00 at Nordstrom. I added my long string pearl necklace and there you have it, my favorite outfit for an occasion thus far :) Of course Im going with the Carrie Bradshaw curls again and a gold clutch. Tonight was also the perfect night to wear the platinum nail polish I won in tiffany's giveaway I could not ask a better way to spend my New Years. I get to go see a ballet performance in town with my boyfriend and then we are heading to New Hampshire to celebrate with his friends that I am very excited to finally meet. See you all in 2011 loves!

Bonjour 2011

This year has been... extreme. I have endured unplanned struggles and have learned a lot about myself. Now that I am on my way to the right track I really took a minute to think of what I wanted for 2011. 2010 was all about figuring out who I was by myself, and make an attempt to let the past go. It has been almost a year exactly since I made that decision and now I can finally say I have accomplished every resolution I made for myself. This year I am concentrating more on my health and mind. I am constantly stressed out and never quite content. This year I will learn how to actually cook, not just simple things but learn dishes ( I am extremely nervous but my boyfriend is excited because he gets to eat the food). I will get back on track with a healthy diet which I hope will benefit my skin problems ( yes at age 21 I finally get the acne that everyone else got in middle school, jokes on me I guess?) and my health. I swear I have spent more money on doctor visits and medicines than anything else. Yoga is a must at least 3 times a week, no exceptions. Now that I found myself I get to concentrate on falling in love with my better half and enjoy the amazing friends I have in my life.

This year is about adventure, being able to love others again, maturing into an adult, and good health.

To start this year off I will be buying a few cook books, making some meal plans, learning to trust my relationships as genuine and real, and traveling to New York City to explore a possible new city I will call home and get my book out to publishers. I want to capture moments now, so I will start saving for a new nikon camera Wish me luck!

Im One Lucky Girl

WOW! This Christmas has been by far the best Christmas ever. I got the best present this year any girl could ask for, my boyfriend. I became so much closer with my family and I realized no matter what life throws at me, I know who will be there at my side whether right or wrong. I woke up to amazing presents and a happy family for the first time in a long time. We had a huge breakfast (which we never do) filled with eggs and bacon and blueberry pancakes (all ingredients from Maine so it was that much better). Then we all watched 'Town' together and finished opening our gifts... So what exactly did I get for Christmas?

Well one of my regulars at my work bought me two tickets to the Boston NutCracker and I almost cried.

My parents.. I mean Santa paid for plenty of my outstanding bills, all new macbook accessories, a huge Bruins blanket, socks (of course), a much needed new hair dryer, gift certificates to the essential places, a kindle, and a few things I can take with me when I go to Nantucket for the summer. My sister bought me the one perfume I have wanted forever, Light Blue by Dolce and Gabbana

Brookie got me a huge Eiffel Tower to put in my room and the cutest coffee mug with a Parisian theme and a little collage of her and I. Lots and Lots of money from my nana (good bye credit card debts) The little ones that I nanny for are bringing me to the Taylor Swift Concert! Last but certainly not least my boyfriend got me the comfiest Juicy Couture bathrobe which I will be living in, and a plane ticket to Las Vegas! I could not be more excited to finally go to the city of sin.

I could have not asked for a better christmas, I hope  santa was good to you too :)

Merry Christmas Gorgeous!

It definitely does not feel like christmas eve to me but according to my calendar it is. This years Christmas is so much different than last years in every positive way imaginable. This year I get to spend Christmas Eve with my best friend Brooke's family and enjoy their laughter and yummy food... oh and of course reminisce and talk about future Dallas plans! Then Christmas I am so excited to give everyone their gifts and open up mine. I have never had a boyfriend over for the holidays so I am pretty excited and nervous for Andrew to come over... but considering how my family likes him more than they like me I don't think there will be as many nerves as I anticipated. I still CANNOT figure out for the life of me what Andrew got me. My clue was that its in the 300.00 price range, I need it and its small enough to fit in my pocket but it's not jewelry... hmm. So I hope you all have a fabulous christmas and lots of memories are made. Yes I will still be waking up at 5:00 am to open my presents like a 5 year old. 

kisses and lots of hugs

xoxo

always choose paris


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